writing

So, what if…?

Nonchalance was the new “hair on fire”?

Because of the joy factor associated with eating pie for breakfast, you set yourself up to burn more calories for the rest of the day?

Sleeping was considered “getting it done?”

“The early bird catching the worm” was a lie started by Starbucks?

Disappointment was taking score too soon.

Kale and chia seeds caused depression—and chocolate cured cancer.

We all wore uniforms (think Steve Jobs).

A study found that gray hair was a measure of intelligence.

Saving money was found to be highly overrated.

Toddlers and dogs were found to have higher IQ’s than Einstein.

The moon really was made of gruyere cheese.

Nine out of ten dentists think the tenth dentist is an idiot.

In a remote section of the Amazonian rainforest, money was found growing on trees.

Little Red Riding Hood secretly ate the wolf with a nice Chianti and some fava beans…and then changed the story.

A university education wasn’t worth the paper the diploma was printed on.

They really drank whiskey at the last supper.

The happier you are the more good things come your way.

I was just thinkin’.

Carry on,
xox

On beating yourself up

Almost everyone does it. I’m not sure why.

After the fact (or even during it) all the blame, second-guessing and paralysis. We say things to ourselves that we’d never permit anyone else to say. Why?
1. It leaves us bruised and battered, unlikely to do our best work while you’re recovering.
2. It hurts our knuckles.
3. It distracts us from the work at hand.

Perhaps there’s a more humane and productive way to instill positive forward motion. I’m sure there is.
At the very least, this is a dumb hobby.
~ Seth Godin

Once, back in the nineties, I took a boxing class.
I figured that with the boss I had and all of the sex I wasn’t having—I must have a lot of hostility to work out. And besides, I had read in Vogue that you could burn 1200 calories an hour boxing!

Sign . Me. Up.

The instructor, a tall, Mandingo Warrior named Frejah (pronounced Free-Jay) who trained professional fighters at a famous gym in Venice, would have us carefully bind our fists with tape, lace up our gloves, and stand in front of a six-foot tall dark blue leather punching bag that was suspended by a heavy black chain from the ceiling. Every class he’d stand behind us, kicking our legs into a wider stance as he ghetto-yelled “encouragement” which could have easily been mistaken for harassment—all in the name of motivation.

“Come on you little pussy” He’d holler at Kenneth, a guy who came in wearing a white shirt with a pocket protector, “You couldn’t hurt your grandmother, who by-the-way, said to say hello to you this morning.”

Some of us may have giggled.

“Oh, you think that’s funny?!” he swooped in beside me and bellowed in my ear like a drill sergeant, “Do ya?!” I shook my head no emphatically as I pawed at the bag like a baby kitten. “Is that how you hit a fucking bag?!”

He went and stood in front of all of us as we tried in vain just to make the heavy bag swing on the chain.
We all sucked. And this was like week four.

“Hit the fucking bag!” he screamed, foam escaping the sides of his snarled lips. “Hit it like you mean it!”

There was a timid girl next to me, Tina, wearing glasses and a ponytail. Her face was filled with determination but every time she hit the bag her glove would just slide off and she’d almost do a face-plant on the behemoth. Frejah became silent as he watched her punch and lose her balance, punch and lose her balance.

His silence was not a good thing. It meant that the pressure was building—and he was about to blow!

I couldn’t watch.

As I sent a flurry of kitten punches into the body of my bag, Frejah got into Tina’s face. Inches away he started sneering insults. “What the hell do you think you’re doing you little mamby pamby?”

I had no idea what that meant, it just sounded bad. Weak and lame. Frejah was right. We were a bunch of mamby pambys.

He grabbed the glasses off her face and tossed them over to the side. Oh, fuck, I thought, How do I watch what’s about to happen and still look like I’m hitting the bag? My talented right eye traveled over somewhere around my ear to get a good view. (It never happened before—and it has never happened since.)

Frejah was yelling obscenities at Tina while pushing her in the chest with his glove.
Goading her to hit him.
“Your daddy an asshole?” he sneered, “I bet he’s a reeeeeal piece a work. You hate him dontcha?” He pushed Tina a little harder with just one gloved fist.

“Hit me. I’m your shitty daddy. Hit me! You know you want to!”

But that bitch stood her ground. She didn’t budge. Until she did.
Without so much as blinking Tina landed a solid left hook squarely on Frejah’s right jaw. Then she walked out. I found out later that she drove all the way home (without her glasses!) with her hands still bound in the bright red boxing gloves.

We all froze in place like life-size, mamby pamby ice sculptures. Frejah barely flinched. His glove went up to his face and he nodded. I think I saw..admiration?

After waiting the appropriate three minutes to thaw,  I found my nerve, grabbed Tina’s glasses off the floor, unlaced my gloves, and never went back to class. Boxing had started to seem like a really dumb hobby, dangerous in more ways than one. I decided to take up running. Getting run over by a car seemed like a gentler way to go than boxing with Frejah.

One of the guys who stayed, told me later that Frejah only got more abusive as the months went on (it was a twelve-week class) but that in his defense everyone who stayed (one heavily tattooed girl who was more masculine than Vin Diesel, and looked like she could kick the shit out of Frejah if given the chance—and five guys) —they all got REALLY good.

I guess that form of abuse “motivates” some people.

I met Tina that Saturday for coffee at Borders to give her back her glasses and basically say, “What the fuck, girl?!” I told her I wasn’t going back. Tina nodded, “Frejah sounds like all the voices in my head,” she said, “I don’t need to pay someone to talk to me like that!”

“I know. What a dick,” I agreed.

“But I can’t tell you how silent the voices have been since that night. I think I scared the shit out of them!” Tina laughed.
So did I.
Then she leaned in, “And for the first time in over three years I called my horrible father” she whispered like he might hear her. “How did Frejah know?” She looked at me with an odd combination of wisdom and naiveté.

“It’s his job. I think guys like that can smell it,” I said and went to order a giant slab of pumpkin bread so I didn’t have to think about how much I wanted to slug my shitty dad.

Maybe I should have kept boxing?

Carry on,
xox

Some pecker head stole the wands again and my heart is broken.
Not for the reasons you think although they DO come into play.

The fact that some shit bag had a heart so black as to steal magic wands.
All of them.
And the bucket with the sign asking them to please NOT steal the wands because, you know, it upset the kids.

Well, I am gobsmacked. Literally. It felt like the gob has been smacked right outta me.

“Thou shalt not ever steal magic wands.”
It is written right there in the Being a Decent Human Being (& Wizard) Handbook.
Not really. No one thought to it put it there—because no one could ever fathom that some fuck trumpet would steal an entire bucket of wands!

So I stand before you broken hearted.

The first time they were stolen I rolled with it. I pictured a Robin Hood of Wands gifting all of the wizards and fairies in need. Or a little toe-headed girl misinterpreting the “free” sign as my lion-hearted, fellow Pollyanna friend Sandra had suggested.

Not this time. This time I’m wicked pissed.
I have an edge about it. I want the ass badger to suffer. I need to punch the culprit in the face and that’s one of the things that breaks my heart.

My husband is convinced it was perpetrated by a marauding band of teenage boys. Dickless teenage hoodlums if you ask me.

It breaks my heart because where others see fucktards I usually see the goodness in humanity.
To a fault. Ask anyone. I’ve been told it’s infuriating.
I try my damnedest to veer my way out of the rabbit hole we all fell into around the first of the year and endeavor to overlook the mean-spiritedness and hate-speak.

Not today.

My broken heart has unleashed the Kraken of all the disappointments I’ve been feeling about who we’re all becoming.
What the hell has happened to us as a country/city/neighborhood?
What has happened to common decency?
To “not saying anything when you can’t say something nice?”
What’s happened to minding your own business and being “polite?”

It used to be that there was an unspoken rule that woman and children were off-limits to the haters. Not anymore!
What world have I been thrust into?
Now according to a few assorted butt munchers out there, we’re viewed as a bunch of weak sucks who need to learn to stick up for ourselves.

My guess is it’s the same mean-spirited fucks who steal magic wands.

And that breaks my heart too.

So today, this minute, I have joined their ranks. I am filled with anger and hate and I’m throwing verbal Molotov cocktails all over this page. I feel just like they do—disempowered and misunderstood—and it feels like shit. And it breaks my heart.

But I will work hard to recover my delightful disposition.  Will they? And when I do I have a warning for those dick weasels: Do not underestimate me. You do so at your own peril.

Carry on,
xox

How do we feel about eye contact?

It’s kind of like a hug. Or sex. Too short and there’s no connection. Too long and it’s awkward. And exhausting.

I for one, don’t trust anyone who won’t make eye-contact. I believe they are sinister and creepy. They are clearly hiding something. Like the location of a body…or the name of a good tailor.

But what about unbroken eye contact?

Serial killer, right?

That or an accountant. Played by Nicolas Cage. Gawd, he’s the worst! His unblinking, unbroken eye contact in movies skeeves me out!

Ugh! Don’t get me started on no-blinkers!

Unless they have a rare medical condition like their eyelids are too short or don’t close at all, I really feel like someone nice, like a friend (who are we kidding?) or their mother, should advise them to blink once-in-a-while. It’s just common courtesy for god’s sake.

What about eye darters. You know those people whose eyes dart around wildly while you’re trying to have a conversation? Jinky right? I mean, what are they doing? Searching the room for fire exits?

And last, but most certainly not least—the cleavage starer. Unable to even hide the fact that staring at my boobs might be degrading and inappropriate, these pervs cannot help themselves. So how can I be mad? Boobs to them are like flames to a moth and since their brains are about the same size they operate on a similar kind of kind of primal instinct.

Conversation over. Besides, I might use words with more than two syllables that could easily confuse them.

I’m not dissimilar to you guys or anybody on the planet for that matter. All I want out of human interaction is a connection. I want to be heard and understood. And I equate eye-contact with presence. End of story.

So, who knew we, (and I’m including you because I know you’re with me on this) were so opinionated about something as ordinary as eye contact?

Huh…

Maybe we need to get a life?

Carry on,
xox

Since I refuse to iron clothes (it is too time-consuming and besides that, I have a mild form of PTSD from a couple of “hot iron left unattended” incidents back in the day) I take all of my hubby’s shirts to the dry cleaners to get them laundered.

They have coupons online that make it so cheap it’s free.

Anyhow, this all started when Raphael insisted he LOVED to iron. He said he found it very “zen”, like drying dishes and baking pies—all three of these fantasies have NEVER happen in our house. Ironing went the way of many other good intentions gone awry. The iron itself turned into a heavy object that fell on my foot or got tangled up with all of the other useless laundry items we have stored (and that’s just a nice way of saying shoved in a haphazard way) next to our washer and dryer.

And don’t get me started on the ironing board. It met with a terrible accident recently and had to be put down. Let’s all take a minute…

Now, let’s cut to the real reason his shirts need ironing.

We have a dryer that cost more than my car but the lovely Swiss or German people who manufacture it have neglected to include a simple “fluff” cycle. Obviously, it was designed by men. Men who either have wives who love to iron or take their shirts to the laundry—and they’re too clueless to know how in the hell they live a wrinkle free life.

Anyway…I owned a piece-of-shit Kenmore for like a thousand years and it had the most magnificent “fluff” cycle imaginable. That freaking fabulous fluff cycle was one of the contributing factors for me turning my back on ironing clothes. You could throw a wizened 2500-year-old mummy in that dryer for ten minutes and it would come out looking like Heidi Klum. All you had to do was spray a little water on the wrinkled garment (even linen, *gasp) and voila! The fluff would work its magic.

Ten years ago when we upgraded to our present washer and dryer I was disappointed but I didn’t want to sound like Bratty McBraterson so I kept quiet about the loss of my beloved “fluff” cycle. After all, these fancy appliances had brains and sensors that could sense all of my deepest emotions—so I just assumed they’d figure something out.

But that never happened.

Every day Raphael would throw on a shirt that was clean but looked like it had been tied in a knot and then wedged into the tiny crack between the wall and bed to dry.

Remember scrunchies? They all looked like scrunchies.

He looked ridiculous. Like no one loved him. Like a sad, unloved, shlumpadinka (it’s an Oprah and Gail word—look it up).

“You need to iron that shirt before you leave.” was our default goodbye every morning. He never did, (you know, because it’s a fucking hassle) so he looked like a hobo. Like a 6’ 4” bald hobo. Nobody wants to hire a giant hobo/schlumpadinka to build their multi-million dollar dream home. Believe me, it’s in the small print.

So my solution was to get them laundered. Problem solved.
I know. Wife of the Year!

Cut to yesterday, when I was picking up his shirts (and one blouse of mine) and taking in some dirty ones to be laundered, I let the delightful little man who works there help me with the five-thousand smelly shirts that I had piled up in the back seat of my car (I put them there as a reminder—it works…seldom). He is an older gentleman who stands outside every day and helps all of us back and forth to our cars with our dry cleaning. I never see him without a smile and a freshly pressed shirt. My guess is that he’s retired and can only take so much of Fox news or the golf channel.

Anyhow, since it was close to ninety outside (he sits in the shade) and since he’d helped me schlep my shirts inside and then carried the clean ones to my car while I paid, I grabbed a couple of extra dollars bills (three to be exact) and mused aloud if it was okay to tip him.

Me, addressing the girl who worked there and anyone else within earshot while holding the money in my hand:
“I should tip him, right? I mean, does he accept tips?”

The woman next to me with the tightly pulled ponytail, dressed in head-to-toe LuLu Lemon huffed under her breath, “How rude.”

The girl at the register just shrugged.

“It’s rude to give him money…or it’s rude not to?” I asked, dumbfounded and a little embarrassed.

“What do you think?” She replied looking me up and down like a dog looks at a lamb chop—or like I was the unfortunate victim of a dryer without a fluff cycle.

“I don’t know! That’s why I asked!” I sneered at her in my best shlumpadinka voice.

She turned on her expensive, designer, limited edition Adidas and walked out giving me stink eye the entire time.

That’s okay. I burned a hole in the back of her head with my superpower bitch repellent as she struggled to get into her Range Whatever. I’m surprised she could drive.

After she left, the girls who work there rolled their eyes so hard they all did backflips and then told me that it was okay to give Ernesto a couple of bucks. “A lot of people do,” said the woman with the chartreuse hair and the painted on eyebrows (she’s my favorite).

So I did. And it didn’t feel rude and he didn’t seem the least bit offended.

Take THAT you ornery bitch-faced woman!

Okay, Now back to a loving place.

Carry on,
xox

According to me, this applies to men too.

“You’ve arrived
It’s easy to fall in love with the GPS version of the universe.

There, just ahead, after that curve. Drive a little further, your destination is almost here.
Done. You’ve arrived.

Of course, that’s not how it works. Not our careers, not our relationships, not our lives.

You’ve always arrived. You’ve never arrived.

Wherever you go, there you are. You’re never going to arrive because you’re already there.

There’s no division between the painful going and the joyous arriving. If we let it, the going can be the joyful part.

It turns out that arrival isn’t the point, it can’t be—because we spend all our time on the journey.”
~ Seth Godin

Oh, brother Seth, where do I begin?

Did you write this just for me? Did a little birdy whisper to you how much I suck at the journey part of life?
Or was it the screaming, hair pulling, and the skywriting that said YOU SUCK JOURNEY! GIMME THE FUCKING DESTINATION ALREADY! —that gave me away?

It’s not that I haven’t improved—I have.
And it’s not that I haven’t reached some amazing destinations in my life—I’ve done that too.

But oh, mah, gawd, does it have to be such a slog?

Listen, it’s just that as zen as I try to be, as chill and non-attached as my facade makes me out to be, there is always an epic interior battle raging. A churning. A yearning. It’s the fucking Game of Thrones inside of me. And as hard as I try to quell it (and just to be clear, trying hard doesn’t stop a raging battle, trying hard are the foot soldiers, the ground troops) it looms ever larger in my brain.

And that’s the rub I think you guys. All of that striving and “are we there yet?” is in. My. Head. Not my heart. Not my kishkes, and definitely nowhere near where my intuition hangs out. It all goes off the rails when my head grabs the map away from my intuition and starts to second-guess everything.

“Do you think you should have turned left there?”

“Make a u-turn! NOW! I don’t care of it’s legal or not!”

“Oh, what a dumb move! Fine. Let me try and recalculate the route—but I have a feeling you’re wicked screwed.”

All of the second-guessing. Don’t you guys hate the second-guessing? God! I have been known to yell out loud to that wise guy second-guesser “Oh, yeah? Easy for you to say! Where were you when I was deciding what to do?”

Can you even have buyers remorse with regard to your ex? No? Then shut up!

And I have to report that THIS was a bit of a turning point for me. I set boundaries with the all of the mean voices inside my head who were making the journey a living hell. I told them that unless they had anything helpful, encouraging, or constructive to say—I didn’t want to hear it. Currently, my interior dialogue goes something like this:

“That was dumb…”
DON”T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!

“Are you sure you want to do that…?”
STICK A SOCK IN IT!

“They don’t seem interested in your…
SHUT THE FUCK UP!

“Huh, I would have done it differently…”
STOP TALKING. NOW!

See how that works? It’s self-care Tourettes.

Maybe you’re better at this than I am. Maybe you peacefully traverse your life like a passenger—holding a glass of champagne in first-class on British Airways. But I’m guessing you’re not because you’re here—you live on Earth so… I can’t guarantee it will work 100% of the time, and I have to admit that it gets exhausting, but it does help keep the clown car quiet. And that my friends is a definite improvement!

Carry on,
xox

There are so many things to be afraid of these days that I was running out of fear bandwidth. I can feel them all jockeying for space so—I had to give some of them up. I decided that as of yesterday, I will no longer take up valuable brain-space with fears like this:

1. The ocean (or any large body of water for that matter) at night. That fear started with the movie Jaws when I was like 15 and has carried me well into adulthood. It is stupid, irrational and comes into play…never. So, I’m erasing it. Today.

2. Failure. You’d think by now I’d just get over myself. I try, and every failure brings me closer to self-acceptance, but I admit, the fear of failure is a ruthless editor. It cuts out all of the scary, fun stuff and keeps me on the straight and narrow. I hate the straight and narrow—It’s so crowded—so fuck it! Be prepared to see me fail. You’ll hear about here first.

3. Heights. I’m erasing this irrational fear from my brain-drive today. I don’t need it. I don’t want it. And I know better than to get myself into a jam on the ledge of a ninety-story building. But if that happens, well, let it be over quick.

4. Snakes. Just thinking about their smooth, slithery skin makes mine crawl but unless I put myself on the hiking path around dawn or dusk they factor into my life close to never. So, I’m erasing my fear of snakes today. But that doesn’t mean I have to hold one, right?

5. Drowning. I’ve had recurring dreams of drowning all my life. It doesn’t make any sense to me and it hasn’t kept me out of the water. It’s just made me…squirmy. Like if they had adult water-wings I’d probably wear them. So, at this point, the fear feels old—and one-sided—like holding a grudge. I’m over it. It’s done. Today.

6. Forgetting my lines on stage. This is an ancient fear that goes all the way back to grade school and my first play, The Sound of Music. Everyone who gets up to speak has this fear, it’s nothing unique or special, and one time I DID forget my lines—and I didn’t die—so there! Fear be gone! (but if I ever do the MOTH or a TED Talk I’m certain it will automatically kick back in so I’ll just apologize now in advance.)

7. The dark. Yes, can you believe it? When I walk around our pitch dark house late at night, which seldom happens because it involves too much inner dialogue and bargaining, I’m still afraid a demon will grab my foot while I pee or be standing right behind me breathing it’s hot, demoney breath down my nightgown if I turn around fast. There. I said it! Now I’m deleting that fear. If you want water at 3 am you can ask me. I’ll get it! It would be my pleasure.

8. Angry homeless. The keyword here is angry. You know the ones I mean. They are filled with rage and no matter what you offer them (I have given them money, food, compassion, a warm jacket) they throw it at you or get in your face and it’s terrifying. In thinking that they are hungry, in dire need of a shower, scared or somehow impaired I’m projecting MY feelings onto them. I’m also judging them and they can smell ME a hundred yards away. This has happened to me enough to realize that I don’t have the emotional training to interact with them effectively—so I’m going to stop fearing them—and just let them be.

9. The dead. Now, letting go of this fear once and for all does not mean I want to go work in the morgue. Dead bodies still creep me the fuck out. But once these souls have crossed over and have had some time to acclimate and grab a snack they are generally delightful conversationalists. Much better than a lot of living people I know. The release of this fear has been gradual and perfectly timed so letting the rest of it go today is strictly a formality. This fear is now dead to me! (See what I dd there?)

10. Abandonment. As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to realize that there has been a steady stream of people, animals, and even jobs I’ve loved—and lost. But it’s also been my experience, and I know this sounds cliché (but some cliché’s are based in truth)  that something wonderful shows up to fill the void if I’m not leaving my fingernail marks in the flesh of the thing that’s leaving. Hard lesson, And huge. I’m not saying I have it mastered, I just want to put it on notice. Today, abandonment, I declare that you will not scare me anymore!
Which means I no longer need to run every decision I make through your filter. What a fucking relief!

Whew! I feel lighter!

Now there’s plenty of room for nuclear annihilation, The Big One on the San Andreas fault, global warming, pandemics, nazis, voter suppression, race wars, the zombie apocalypse, running out of space on my DVR, blah, blah, blah…

Wait. I’m so fucked. Maybe I should keep the other fears and delete these?

Carry on,
x0x

Part beloved family member and part steely-eyed assassin, Maria, our blind housekeeper killed a rat on Saturday.
Actually, how she put it (in Spanglish of course) was that she broomed it to death.
And I believe her.

Besides using it like a white cane (you should see my chipped wall paint) the broom is to Maria as the hammer is to Thor or the bow and arrow are to Katniss.

Even though I’ve never been able to ascertain through repeated questioning WHY she sweeps the entire house before she vacuums it (even the rugs) I’ve just accepted the fact that the broom serves as a third, prosthetic arm of sorts and never more so now that she’s well…blind.

(We are going to retire the killing broom. Maybe hang it on the wall somewhere like a Samurai sword.)

I’ve seen her expertly swipe her trusty broom at spider webs like a machete clearing an Amazonian rainforest, push heavy chairs around with it, and lovingly swat the little brown dog’s ass to move her outside.

And apparently, on Saturdays, while we’re at lunch—she kills rodents with it.

As the story goes, this one had the audacity to cross her path outside next to the bar-b-que. Before you ask, I have no idea why she continues to go outside in the ninety-plus-degree heat to sweep. I’ve never asked her to do it and it’s not like she doesn’t have enough to do inside—good Lord, have you met us?

Anyway, since her eyesight is shit, I assume she heard it first. Maybe it stood up on its hind legs and sassed her. I had one do that to me recently when I startled it out by my office (the feeling was mutual) and I have to tell you if I’d had a broom…
She explained her killing spree by saying that it was fair game out in the open like that, and besides, it was slow.

Since we have poison EVERYWHERE I suspect he was dying.

Now please, don’t get all “up in my face” about this. It was the last resort and I hate it too! But after a year of natural repellents, New Age sonic machines, eucalyptus oil and just walking outside at dusk and asking them nicely to vacate the premises—by anyone’s standards we have a legitimate rat infestation.

I was actually beginning to wonder on Friday if the poison was even working, when Nick, our salaried exterminator, came by (his third visit that week) to informed me that he was going through a months supply of poison every 48 hours. When he said that, a collective gasp erupted from me and the FIVE rats that were on the deck two feet away doing the backstroke in my fountain. Kidding aside (and I’m not kidding!) they have turned my sweet, garden fountain into spring break in Palm Springs.

So, as bad as I feel that it has come to this, to the fact that my blind housekeeper has to clean our toilets AND do rat-battle, I can no longer tolerate them running inside and taunting me.

http://www.theobserversvoice.com/2017/08/at-least-this-tuesday-is-better-than-last-tuesday-but-that-wasnt-hard-to-do/

Besides, having these many rodents around the property is just not sanitary.

In closing, I’m seeing to it that Maria gets combat pay. And she’s officially my spirit animal because she’s a badass, mamajama with that broom (I couldn’t do it).

And just so you know, rats don’t listen when they are asked nicely to leave. Believe me—I tried.

Carry on,
xox

I case you were wondering about just such a thing—THIS is a Magic Wand farm.

As you know I supply my little slice of Studio City with magic wands. In the beginning, they looked like this:

The sign on the bucket was more creative than the wands themselves—but that’s beside the point.

Then, my sister “out wanded” me with her usual flair and because they were scooped up in less than a day by the hungry masses yearning for wands—I was forced to up my game.

But the wand phenomenon like I suppose all good things do has developed a life of its own. It has its “people” who talk to my “people” (me) voicing their thanks (mostly), opinions (often), and now…requests. This week a group of stroller moms as I call them were rifling through the bucket looking for just the perfect wands for their kids when they caught sight of me getting into my car.

“Oh, hey, are you the Magic Wand lady?” they asked.

“Yes, I am” I answered proudly waiting for the usual parental gushing. Instead, this is what happened:

Mom #1 – “Listen, we love the wands, we really do, but…”
Mom #2 – “The little ones chew on them so could you put more without any paint in the bucket?”
Mom #3 – “Unless you use pesticide, Do you, I mean, use pesticides?”

“Uh, no. No, I don’t” I stammered. I was caught completely off-guard.

Mom #1 – “Are you sure? Have you specifically asked your gardeners not to use any pesticides or even worse… Round Up?”
Mom #3 – “Oh, look, Barbara, she has dandelions everywhere, they don’t use Round up.”
Mom #2 – “You don’t look sure. Are you sure?”

They all looked at me waiting for an answer.  After a minute of biting my tongue I said, “No, I mean, yes, yes, I’m sure. In four years no kids have died from holding or chewing on these Magic Wands. I swear!” 

Mom #1 – “What I really wanted to ask you was, do you make them in any other colors besides purple and gold?”
Mom #2 – “She did. You did, you had blue ones once.”
Mom #3 – “The reason we’re asking is that our sons, well…”
Mom #1 – “Our sons are all nine and ten this summer, they’re getting to be big boys and well, they want a wand…”
Mom #2 – “Just not a pink one.”
Mom #3 – “They’re not really pink, they’re more purple…”
Mom #2 – “Magenta. They’re magenta!”
Mom #1 – “Anyway, they’re too old for pink…”
Mom #3 – “And sparkles. Do you make any wands without the sparkles?”

“The boys hate the sparkles too?” I asked, crestfallen.

Mom #1 – “Not really, it’s just that the sparkles get all over the carpet and…”
Mom #3 – “I’ve found sparkles all over Jimiraquois’ bed!”

They laughed and nodded in unison while the toddlers in the strollers happily chewed on my Magic Wands.

I was clearly outnumbered.

“Do you have a color in mind? Something that both girls and boys would like?” I HAD to ask knowing full well that they did.

All three moms in unison – “Red. Red works.”

So, in closing, you can’t fight progress. Kids get older. And boys don’t like pink. And requests. Some people are very comfortable with big asks, not that this was a particularly big ask, but still, I couldn’t have done it. But maybe that’s just me.

What do you think?

Speaking of moms and their big asks…

Now I don’t feel so bad.

Carry on,
xox

This is about last Tuesday, which was a weirder last Tuesday than most.

While watching the latest shenanigans thrust upon us by the rat bastard in the white house, politics on TV while recovering from an allergic reaction to a drug, another rat— a real one—ran right past the doorway of the room I was sitting in.

Listen, I am partially to blame but only partially. You see, I left the door to the back deck open like I have for the last gazillion years to let the early evening breeze inside. But alas, it seems that the back deck is now the latest local real estate to be taken over by the rats.

It all started three years ago when several neighbors to the south of us decided it get rid of the ivy that covered their back fences.

Well, since I have bougainvillea, not ivy, I was left blindsided by this hostile act. The rats, being well, rats, just packed up and moved north to the thornier side of the street. They don’t give a shit about thorns. Thorns leave scars that make them look badass. At least that’s what I imagine because why else would you leave the comfort of ivy to live in fucking bougainvillea?! Who does that?!

Wouldn’t you keep moving and look for a more hospitable habitat?

If it seems like I’ve given this too much thought—I have. It ’s what I do while I lay in bed at night as they scare the dog, drink out of the fountain and have loud, vocal, thorny sex on my back fence.

So back to me. I was pretty out of it due to my funky drug reaction.

But I could still see it out of the corner of my eye as it scampered past the open door. I don’t want to say scamper because it makes the rat seem cute but I can’t help it—it fucking scampered. It was somewhere between a skip and a hop. God help me, it was a scamper.

My immediate reaction was to bellow in my most threatening voice, “Get outta here!” like you do when the dog eyeballs the last piece pizza or your toddler opens the door while you’re trying to poop in peace. But the rat’s reaction was exactly like the same as the toddler’s and the dogs. Total indifference.

It ignored me and then a few minutes later ran past the doorway again in the opposite direction.

What is it with rats these day? They’re so shameless and entitled—like millennials. They don’t squeeze through tiny openings or only come in the house once it’s dark and quiet. Nope. They brazenly walk past a fully lit room with the TV blaring and a bat-shit crazy woman lying on the couch.

This time, filled with adrenaline, I overcame the drug-fueled lightheadedness and bolted for the door. “Get the fuck outta here you fucking rat!” I yelled down the hallway as it hightailed it toward the back deck and the open door to freedom. No longer scampering, it was in a full sprint—but so was I—right behind it—stomping my feet and yelling like a crazy person. Down the hall it ran and with the safety of the open door straight ahead of it, it got flustered. It zigged when it should have zagged—and it chose our bedroom instead.

“Nooooo!” I yelled at the top of my lungs still in close pursuit, “Not the bedroom!” (Said in that low, slow motion kind of voice.) I swear, its little rodent face looked back at me with a mixture of fear and defiance as it made a beeline for our bedroom and ran straight under our bed.

“NO! NOT THE BEEEEDDDDD!!!” I screamed, stopping just short of running under there with it.

Remember…I’m not right.

Earlier that afternoon I called my friend who has a nursing background because I was freaking out (and because I love her and wanted her voice to be the last one I heard before I died) and my husband came racing home in the middle of the day because I was dizzy, my heart was racing, my mouth was numb and I wasn’t making any sense. Well, less sense than normal.

So, to recap, just a few hours before I was one ambulance ride away from the ER and now I find myself jumping up and down on the bed to scare a rat back outside.

It didn’t work.

Out of breath and feeling worse than ever, I finally accepted defeat, slunk back into the den, and collapsed on the couch. I decided I’d let Raphael and Ruby take care of Ratatouille when they got home.

Twenty minutes later the rat scampered by the den again. This time he was gloating.

All I had the strength to do was yell. “Get Outta here! If I see you again, well…” But after the bedroom debacle, anything I said felt like an idle threat.

The little fucker ran back and forth past the den door three more times until it must have realized how sadistic it was being and ran back to the other three rats on the deck who I swear were playing cards for money.

Until the exterminator we have on salary gets to the bottom of this suburban rat infestation no more open doors at night.

Rats 1
Janet 0

This isn’t over!

Carry on,
xox

PS: I made Raphael check under the bed before I could sleep that night. He thinks the way I yell at the rats is hysterical, it took me hours to get that damn drug out of my system, and I heard a trap go off the next night up in the attic.

I suppose that should make me feel better.

It doesn’t.