awareness

This would be funny if it weren’t so freaking sad.

Screw you 2016!

In just fourteen days you’ve taken two of our best and left us with…well, Donald Trump and that creepy Burger King with the plastic hair and psychotic smile.

Earlier this week I was shocked and a little pissed at the loss of David Bowie. I walked around the entire day in a fog, almost as if I could feel the creative void he left behind. I was just getting my groove back when this morning I woke up to the news that the delicious Alan Rickman had passed.

Wait. What?
Things have gotten out of hand, this has just got to stop!

Both were sixty-nine years old, which from over here at fifty-seven seems really young and waaaaaayyyy too close. (Uh, oh, now my own mortality chip has been activated), AND they both died from cancer.

Fuck you cancer!

So now we all know what happens—we wait for the third one to go. It’s some kind of weird numerological anomaly that always proves itself to be true: celebrities die in threes.

When Raphael came home from the gym this morning he was met with my sad-sack face which stopped him in his tracks. I’m sure for a second he assumed I was upset over the fact that my ticket had not won us the  1.5 billion dollars (which I was), or simply that I’d finished my coffee—but he asked me what was wrong anyway.

“Alan Rickman died,” I sort of half sobbed.

“The guy from Harry Potter? The guy with the voice?”

“Yes!” I exclaimed with genuine shock. You see, my husband is so bad at remembering names, movies, actors, and anything pop culture that this was like a fifth grader correctly answering a $1000 Jeopardy question about life on our planet before computers. (As he explains it, he doesn’t want to waste the brain space.) Ouch. That always makes me feel like I need Will Smith to put on his sunglasses and flash that light in my face to free me up some brain bandwidth. (See what I did there?)

“Yeah, yeah, he was in Harry Potter. But oh my gawd, what about Love Actually, and Truly, Madly, Deeply* and Die Hard; oh, and we just saw him in A Little Chaos, remember?”

“Not really”.

“Ohhhhhh, I loved him…and now he’ll never know. I always wanted to meet him so I could ask him to record the outgoing message on my phone.” (Sigh) That voice…I can’t even…”, I could feel a lump growing like a goiter in my throat.

“Oh man, you’ve had a rough week. All your favorites.”
Awwwww, that was nice, some real sympathy. Then he turned on me.

“You know they always go in threes—I hope the third one isn’t Jean-Luc Picard—that would suck.”
He had a slight grin on his face as he ran out of  left the room, “Uh oh, what if he’s six-nine?” he shouted from a safe distance.

Okay, now he was just fucking with me.

I had made a dark secret of mine public knowledge a couple of years back in a speech I made at Raphael’s 60th birthday “roast”— the fact that I had a mad crush on Jean-Luc Picard and had used him as a husband template. Not so much the actor Patrick Stewart, although don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t throw him back. No, more specifically I had the hots for the French, bald, serious, thoughtful, smart, capable, man-who-could-solve-any-problem that the Universe (literally) threw at him and dare I say sexy, Captain of the Starship Enterprise—Jean-Luc Picard.
And I came damn close with Raphael. Except for the Starship, I nailed it.

“Natalie Cole!” I screamed down the hall. “She was the first. Jean-Luc is safe!—Natalie Cooooooole!”

“That was New Years Eve. Doesn’t count. It was still 2015.”

Shit, Game on.

“What about the Motorhead guy?” I was grasping at straws, my brain was scrambling, Google! Google!
Fuck that, “Siri! How old is Patrick Stewart?”

“Motorhead guy was still 2015”.
How did he know this shit? He must have been Googling as fast as his fingers could type. I could hear in his voice that he was trying not to laugh. Jerk.

“Patrick Stewart is seventy-five!” I yelled, filled with genuine relief. “Oh, thank God, he’s safe,” I muttered to myself under my breath, not realizing, because of all of the brain space filled with useless trivia, that that only meant he was six years closer to the pearly gates.

“Why are you yelling? I’m right here,” he said, standing in the doorway wearing only a smirk. (Not really, he was wearing pants, but it makes for a better story.)

All of this to say: Why are all of the great ones dying? Sixty-nine is middle-aged, people play stupid guessing games about who’s died instead of crying, it’s starting to suck being a baby-boomer, death is not the end, and considering who joined the general population this week—Heaven is going to be a blast!

Its been one-hullava week—wanna weigh in?

Carry on,
xox

*”Truly, Madly, Deeply” which came out in 1991, is one of my all-time favorite films and so I went on Amazon to order a DVD so I could watch it this weekend and cry my eyes out—and there was only ONE copy—for $200! WTF?

It’s always about the sparkles, isn’t it?

Love you, Carry on,
xox

Another one of my friends has fallen.

I know this is SO 2015, but at lunch yesterday my friend Eva was extolling the virtues of that book “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up”—The Japanese Art of Blah, Blah, Blah, decluttering or something like that. I haven’t read it (obviously), because surprisingly I lead a pretty decluttered and tidy life if you discount all of the birds nests I have displayed around my house as art.

I’m a thrower-awayer. I’m from a long line of thrower-awayers. We often throw away perfectly good stuff. Like men and food (I’m speaking strictly for myself here). Other times we wait until they smell—the food and the men.

Anyhow, she had me snort laughing my martini ice tea when she said, “I’m going through my closet and you know what I’ve found? I buy clothes for a life I’ll never lead! Like a white pencil skirt with a matching cardi set—and a hat, you know, for after Ascot”.

That is hilarious! And so fucking true!

Who hasn’t bought an extravagant outfit for an imagined date with Mr. Big? Or a leather jacket in a putrid baby poo-poo green because it was on sale and you could see yourself rocking’ it out at the clubs (what clubs?), uh, dance clubs? Duh.
I did go dancing back in the day but I can count the times on one hand and a thumb, yet, I have to fight the urge to buy clothes for that girl every time I go shopping. “God, she would look so cute in this” I would often say to no one in particular as I bought pants that were too tight and underwear that was too fancy for the imaginary girl leading my imaginary life.

Just like Eva, I had business suits for the executive big-ass corporate whatever I was going to be (which I finally donated to Dress For Success, an organization that provides low-income women professional clothes for job interviews), and a leopard bathing suit cover-up for those yachting trips with Thurston and Lovey Howell. Or Robin Leech. Or The Rock—if The Rock were to go yachting and invite me because I pretty much will go anywhere Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson wants me to go and I need to have the appropriate cover-up at a moments notice. Just saying’.

But seriously.

You know me, I’m a firm believer in visualization and scripting the life you want, but clothing it?

How about entertaining and feeding it?

I have ingredients for recipes I’ll never make. Ever. You want to know how I know that? Because the last time I opened that cookbook—I cried. I can’t understand a word it says. I may as well be written in Mandarin and yet, I still have an unopened jar of Cream of Tartar. It’s been five years, I suppose I should chuck it—I mean declutter.

Those fabulous ingredients for those fabulous recipes (not to mention scores of fabulous napkins and tablecloths, candles and drink swizzles), were for the incredibly fabulous cocktail and dinner parties I was going to throw for all of my fancy friends. You know, In that fabulous life I’ll never lead.

The parties in my real life are likely to be upscale Bar-B-Ques (and by upscale I mean we use stainless instead of plastic flatware and plastic instead of paper plates).
I know, casual chic, what can I say? We’re the new Kennedy’s.

The bottom line here is that for years, just like Eva, and I’m certain just like a few of YOU, I was buying for a life I would never lead.

And I think because of that book—the jig is finally up.

I can thank unemployment for saving me from my imaginary Life of Riley. I don’t have the disposable income I once had to feed that fantasy, but old habits die hard.  Just today back at Wasteland, (the scene of my miraculous tuxedo find), I was wrestling with my old demons.
They were telling me to buy the Narcisco Rodriguez cropped pants and the leather and cashmere sweater from Vince—you know, to sit and write my blog in.

(If I succumb they’ll be a lot more vlogging so we can capture all of the fabulousness on video).

And I doubt this is gender specific. I know for a fact that my husband has a couple of motorcycles, a few pair of designer jeans and some tight white t-shirts that will only see the light of day if they remake Top Gun and he is cast as Maverick.

Here I go, I’m going to ask YOU now. What life are you investing in—the one you imagine, or the one you’re living?

Carry on,
xox

https://www.dressforsuccess.org

http://www.amazon.com/The-Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-ebook/dp/B00KK0PICK

How lucky are we?

We all knew he wasn’t from HERE. Someone so otherworldly. Someone so fearlessly himself.

So maybe it was for that very reason that it never occurred to me that he could leave us.

Say what you will, even if you’ve never listened to a note of his music (which would seem virtually impossible and make you someone I’m not sure I could be friends with), you were aware of the man.

Because he was SO different.

An alien among us, so much so that he was the obvious choice for the lead in the 1976 film, “The Man Who Fell To Earth”.

But what made David Bowie, David Bowie?

I was crazy lucky to be in Chicago last year at the same time as the exhibition of his extraordinary life, “David Bowie is”.
So of course, nothing could keep me away.

It (the David Bowie-ness of David Bowie), started at the very beginning as this collection showed, giving us a peek into his private hand-written notes, diary entries and song lyrics. Among the treasures were many examples of his drawings for album cover art, stage mock-ups which he designed, and a remarkable collection of outrageously unique stage costumes (including early Alexander McQueen), photographs, and other rare possessions from the David Bowie Archives.

In other words, if Bowie was an alien—THIS was his mothership.

I stayed too long, (Rebel, Rebel) in the very last room, even as the museum people were trying to shoo me along to give the throngs of other Bowie-ites a chance to get a view. I was busy crying big, sloppy tears as I stood mesmerized by the multi-media presentation of floor-to-ceiling video tiles of concert footage and music (for which I was emotionally unprepared), which had me feeling as if I were onstage with him at Wembley Stadium.

It was without-a-doubt the best thing I’ve EVER experienced—in a museum.

All that stuff was just evidence of the obvious.
This guy knew who he was and what he came here to do VERY early on in his life and his focus and determination to be WHO HE REALLY WAS, no matter how strange and shocking that looked or sounded—separated him from the rest of us.

I was in high school in L.A. when that film came out and that’s also when I first heard his music at Martha Johnston’s house, (The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars… about a bisexual alien rock superstar—duh), and consequently, when I first snuck out to see him in concert.

It was a revelation. And while many aspects of it went over my Catholic-schooled, teenage head—still, it marked me.

He wasn’t like us. Was he a man or a woman? Both? Neither?

Shit! When I think about how ahead of the crowd he was with his androgyny and glam rock it blows my mind. I figure at least a decade.
And I suppose in the big picture none of that really matters except it kinda does because he influenced an entire generation of musicians; Duran Duran, Madonna, Lady Gaga to name a few; and in doing so—he influenced all of us.

They were all, with the exception of Gaga, part of the soundtrack of MY youth.

So, I think that’s what he did for all of us. What David Bowie is, as the title of the exhibit leaves blank for us to answer, is someone who gives us permission to be unique…maybe even a little bit odd. Someone who gives us permission—make that encourages us to:

To fly our freak flags. It may inspire others to do the same.
To stray away from the herd.
To control all aspects of our image.
To be different than the rest.
To have the vision of something shocking and untested.
To be forever curious, always moving forward.
To be our courageous selves, whatever that may look like—public opinion be damned.
And not to let any grass grow under our feet. To become a Master of Reinvention just as he’d done through the years.

We may never be as batshit odd/brilliantly genius as David Bowie. He set the bar too high.
But we can try.

I aspire to be like him. Receiving inspiration and creating until the end, but we may all be a little less brave without him around…for a while.

Annie Lennox wrote something that really resonated with me on her Facebook page today maybe it will with you too:

“Like a gazillion other people, I feel stunned by the news that David Bowie has departed this earth.
At the loss of someone who has impacted and influenced your life, you can hardly begin to measure the shape of what’s left behind.

Our personal and collective inner landscape has shifted and we’re trying to come to terms with it.
No one exists forever and it seems our elegant gentleman was well aware that his last mortal chapter was about to reach its conclusion.

“Blackstar” was his parting gift.
Provocative and nightmarishly “otherworldly”… we are jolted towards the twilight realms of epileptic seizures and voodoo scarecrows.
The bejewelled remains of Major Tom lie dormant in a dust coated space suit…
It leaves me breathless.
You must see it to believe it…
He knew…
He could see through it all.”

Love you, carry on,
xox

Happy Sunday you guys, this is my New Moon wish for you!

There was a New Moon in Capricorn at 8:30 PM EST, January 9 (so, last night). It signifies new beginnings, as do all new moons.

According to astrologer Leo Knighton Tallarico:

“This one is in Capricorn and as such it prompts us to get back out into the world, to organize and plan, to be more disciplined, to do what one needs to do, to make firmer boundaries, to be in one’s integrity, to demand more from yourself and others, to concentrate more on work and accomplishment, to have greater self-respect, to be more logical and realistic.”

Amen to that! I could use some more organized discipline and I’m always working on setting those boundaries!

If you want to read the rest of his take on the new moon (and he also does some astrological predictions for some of the Presidential candidates which I found interesting, here’s his website:

https://spiritualtherapy.wordpress.com

Carry on,

xox

Thank you over-entitled, underappreciative, totally unaccountable assholes. Thank you for keeping it real.

Okaaaaaay…
So, here I am trying to wrangle me some assholes.
Like an idiot, I think I can change their minds about their assholishness. But come on, we all know they can’t hear me because they are not at a place to, awwwww fuck it… (their heads are too far up their asses!), there, I said it.

Thursday I was talking to my friend Heather (one of the sweetest, nicest people on the planet. Waaaaay nicer than me!), and we were commiserating (uh oh, slippery slope), about how it seems that lately all of the—we won’t call them bad guys, okay, so maybe they can be called the “shitty people”.
How it seems that all of the “shitty people” (assholes) seem to be coming out on top. Either with their particular brand of financial trickery or the fact that their hijinks (general jackassery), is trying to suck the good cheer out of the new year—and is keeping us up at night.

Now, if I’m up late at night and YOU are the reason, and I had serial-killer tendencies, they would be materializing right about then. I know it doesn’t seem like it but I can be quite diabolical when pushed. I’m spiritual but I’m not a saint, and when you’re shitty to me or mine, I Ommmmm it away as long as humanly possible—and then I start plotting all the ways to…well, you know, kill you, or at least, ruin your day.

What I really need to do is mind my own goddamn business.
Seriously.
Just back away from the asshole; smile and disengage.
Then take a nap. Or go to a movie.
I’ve been seeing an awful LOT of movies lately.

Remember this poem from last year? Yeah me neither.
Just kidding, actually it keeps repeating on an endless loop in my brain—right alongside all the murderous thoughts.
I think it would be smarter to let IT win.

Here is what I’ve prescribed for myself today:

“Mind your own business” she said, the voice in my head.

“Who the hell are you?” I replied.

“Mind your own business!”

“Mind your own business” she warned, “Don’t look over there,
it’s not your concern, why do you care?”

I see some disaster and I’m compelled to assist;
like a poor choice of lipstick—I can hardly resist.

“Mind your own business”, she harped, “Keep your thoughts to yourself.
That’s the best piece of advice, better than any book on a shelf.”

“Mind your own business” she sniped, “And here’s more advice:
keep your nose outta trouble.
Don’t make me ask twice.”

“Darling. I’m you.”

Some people are just shitty assholes—so drink some water, go to the movies, and mind your own business this weekend you guys!

Carry on
xox

This is a badass essay by Liz Gilbert about her favorite badass friends and her idea of what makes a badass (which of course I agree with wholeheartedly because she did all of the emotional research and thinking and I just nodded the entire time in complete agreement).

And when I did feel up to it (after a Triscuit or five with cheese—and a nap), I made a sloppy, unorganized and I’m certain incomplete list of my favorite badasses. BTW– if you’re not mentioned here and it pisses you off, KNOW that very reaction makes you a badass. And know that it was just an oversight on my part due to age and a brain made of Swiss cheese and try not to hate me too much.

My FAVORITE BADASSES (in no particular order):

Mom & Lee for being tanks and overcoming health obstacles (and for being regular readers of this blog which makes you an automatic badass, and if you laugh–an honorary badass).

My husband for obvious reasons and because HAVE YOU MET HIM? His picture is in the dictionary under badass. No lie.

My sister and brother for sharing our crazy fucking gene pool and still managing to gather together cool people to love and create a couple of great lives that entertain and delight me.
And for being there.

My friend Eva, for kicking cancer’s ass like a ninja-rock-star. And reinventing herself afterward.

My friend Kim, for her courage, grace and for maintaining her sense of humor in the face of her epic reinvention.

My friend Step, for being more fully realized at 35 than I’ll ever be, for accruing the most vertical miles skied, for believing in herself and her story so much she scored an unheard of bangin’ book deal as a first-time author AND for walking with me on imaginary hot magma.

Linda, Danielle and our beautiful writers group. Just that we all found each other and can keep up with all of the talent—makes us badasses.

Little Pants for just maintaining her equilibrium as a teenage girl in Los Angeles in 2016. I could NEVER!

To Nora for teaching me trust, courage and receptivity from beyond the grave. Talk about a badass!

This list could go on and on because pretty much everyone around me is covered in badass sauce. So…what about you? Who is your favorite badass? Do you have the courage to put in  the comments? (gauntlet thrown).

Carry on,
Xox

***

WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE BADASS? By Liz Gilbert

Dear Ones –

Our sweet friend Ruth Sze at www.doodlebubbledesigns.com posted this lovely drawing on Instagram yesterday and I love it so. She invited us to ponder who our favorite badass is right now, and i invite you to do the same, and to tag that person in your response.

My favorite badass this week is my friend Glennon Doyle Melton (Momastery) because she always uses her broken heart to heal a broken world. She is a tireless and generous love ninja, who is not afraid to be vulnerable, not afraid to risk connection, not afraid to share her scars and fears so that others do not feel so alone in their confusion.

Also, this week, somebody was mean to Glennon (which makes me become a crazy she-wolf of protection for my friend!) but Glennon refused to let it stop her from her ongoing mission of love.

My favorite badasses are all people who are not afraid to feel their feelings.

A real badass is not afraid to forgive.

A true badass is not afraid to sit in her sadness and anger and pain until she works her way through it — rather than lashing out in retaliation at the world, or making other people suffer for her pain.

A beautiful badass — in my eyes — is someone who has learned that before she can make friends with anyone else, she must make friends with the crazy shit-tornado who is herself. Because until we love our own crazy shit-tornado, we can’t love anyone else’s crazy shit-tornado.

A creative badass is anyone who is not afraid to share her imagination with the public — regardless of the criticism that may arise.

A generous badass is anyone who says, “I have more than enough for myself and I ALWAYS WILL — therefore, I will share whatever I have with you.”

A resilient badass is anyone who stands in the wreckage of failure and error and says, “Oops. Guess we better start cleaning this up…anybody got a broom?”

A brave badass is anyone who has ever asked for help.

An optimistic badass is anyone who believes that this broken world is still worth fighting for.

A smart badass is anyone who can set boundaries without being punishing or vindictive.

And a holy badass is anyone who knows that — beyond this whole wild and messy world — there is power at work greater than anything we can imagine…and that we are part of that story.

I am so lucky to be surrounded by SO MANY badasses. It would take forever to list them all. But today, I especially honor Glennon, who had a rough week and who keeps going…and for whom I will ride or die.

Now…over to you guys.

Who is your favorite badass today?

ONWARD,
LG

I’m just going to say it. The end of 2015 was a clusterfuck of mixed-up energies of epic proportions. Okay, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but you get what I mean. Besides, many of YOU were the ones that were calling it to my attention.

When I wrote about how conflicted I felt about how sad I felt in paradise, the genie was out of the bottle! SO many of you were sad too–for no apparent reason–which just makes it all the more confusing. At least if someone fell and broke a hip or your cat got run over–you know why you want to crawl under the bed.

We all like reasons for our emotions. I know I do.

Even my teenage niece just wasn’t feelin’ it in December and she was raised by elves in Santa’s Village, North Pole, USA. We count on her to buoy the rest of us with her unlimited teenage-girl holiday enthusiasm, decorating her room with white twinkle lights and making sure every square inch of my sister’s house looks like a reindeer barfed Christmas (and presents), everywhere.

Not this year. She was…melancholy. We’re just chalking it up to the weird energy and he fact that a certain amount of melancholy is synonymous with being sixteen.

Okay so everybody felt sad. I get that. But here’s where it got interesting.
Suddenly, the week after Christmas, I was overtaken by an overwhelming sense of…optimism.

Like 2016 was going to be the best year ever!

Again, I had nothing, whatsoever, besides my usual delusional thinking on which to base that upbeat prognosis.

When I spoke up at the New Years Eve party, expecting to get pummeled with dinner rolls, instead, everyone, get that? EVERYONE agreed!

2016 is going to be awesome. And we have no idea why.

A couple of people, Danielle La Porte being one of them, wrote about the numerology behind the year 2016.

2016 2+0+1+6 = 9 the year of answered prayers.
What? Are you kidding? Prayers? Answered? Well, no wonder we’re all collectively peeing our pants. Who doesn’t love answered prayers?! Don’t you fucking LOVE knowing that?

The Year of Answered Prayers.

That unclenches my jaw AND my butt. A real double-whammy.

I can hear you. You’re all asking yourselves right now: Hey, (our tribe starts everything with “hey”), hey, does Janet pray? Hell yeah! And meditate and chant and write shit down and ask nicely in my most polite voice. I cover all of my request-line bases.

So, the other night, In answer to prayer 4,567,389, is this really going to be such a great year? I had a dream where I watched as the night sky was carpeted with falling stars. There were thousands a minute. It was the meteor shower of all meteor showers and because it was so extraordinary I knew it was a dream. Still, I squealed and clapped with delight like I do when I watch fireworks. When I woke up I felt elated. (which was the polar opposite of sad and that made me worry for a sec that maybe I was losing my shit).

Of course I looked it up:
“To see a meteor in your dream suggests that you will experience success in a project. You are on your way toward realizing your goals and desires. Alternatively, the meteor refers to wishful thinking and idealistic thoughts.
To see a meteor shower in your dream signifies romantic thoughts and idealistic notions.”

…and answered prayers you guys. The year of answered prayers.

Breath in…breathe out…and carry on

xox

How many of you are blamers? Or married to a blame? Or were raised by a major blamer?
Show of hands, please. Uh-huh, I thought so.

I had a boss for almost twenty years who was a blamer and it drove. me. nuts. He was a shamer too. I’m convinced blame and shame are siamese twins, but that’s just me. Let’s see what the expert, Brene Brown has to say about blame in this short, funny and insightful video.

As for me? I’m not a blamer, I’m an “I told you so-er”.
I have to bite my tongue not to say in some way, shape or form, “I told you so” to my husband like, forty-five thousand times a day.
Seriously.
Like today. He saved all of his outdoor tasks for this morning. The morning we were ALL warned that El Nino was going to hit us like well, like a big, fat, super soggy storm full of really wet rain.

And like the shining example of good wifery that I am, I reminded said husband of his shitty decision making,choices, —timing, before I left for the gym and it was only drizzling.

But alas, he waited until the REAL rain hit to empty the dog poop can into the main garbage bin, get the dead Christmas tree out to the curb for pick-up, and fiddle (fix in man-speak), with the sump-pump (all of which we talked about just yesterday), and then sent me a text and left evidence (wet pants in the shower), of how soaked he got. (Who is surprised here? What woman is the least bit surprised by this?)

See how I did that? Never once did you hear me say I told you so. I wanted to. So very, very, badly.
My tongue has permanent grooves.

Listen, I don’t want to tell Brene how to run her social media, but I think that needs to be her next video.

The seemingly repressed but clearly expressed I told you so.

What do you guys think? (That’s for you, Jim)

Love, soggy in Studio City
Carry on,
xox

Here it is, my first Huffington Post of 2016!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/janet-bertolus/its-a-new-yearbe-audaciou_b_8905344.html

This is a re-worked essay from back when Moses was a kid (some of you old farts may remember it because you lived it with me), that talks about that moment when I finally realized, with every fiber of my being, that I couldn’t stand to be “left” by a man one-more-time.

So, I searched and searched for what I wanted to feel.

Loved? They all said they loved me but love wears a different hat with each guy so…I was thinkin’ no, not loved, apparently love wasn’t enough for them to stay.

How about respected? Oh sure, I wanted to feel respected by a man and I’m not saying I wasn’t. It’s just that respect doesn’t give you ooglies (that indescribably warm feeling that starts in your kishkes and eventually makes its way to your lady parts). I know it should—but it doesn’t and if it does for you—then you’re a better woman than I.

There was something else. Some key ingredient that was missing.

Finally, after an exhaustive search of my emotional inventory I found the word for how I wanted to feel but that word embarrassed me. It had alluded me because it felt like too much.
It felt audacious and a little dangerous to ask for it—but at that point what did I have to lose?

I wanted to be adored by a man. I wanted him to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he sets down a warm, gooey dessert in front of me with only ONE spoon.

With pure, unadulterated adoration.

And it worked!

It’s a New Year you guys! I say Go for it. Make this your most audacious year EVER!
xox