self improvement

My reasons for sharing all of this are two fold.
The first is purely selfish I must admit!
I still have a dark pocket of pain around this situation that holds me down.
And I’m finally done!

I’m done with the shame.
I’m done being scared.
I’m done feeling unworthy.
I’m done not trusting myself because I think I led ME astray.
I’m done punishing myself 
And I’m done being diminished.
And by that I mean living a small and non abundant life,
Because I think that’s what I deserve.

Here’s where the Epic Win comes in!

I NEVER would be writing this blog had things stayed the same.
This energy has been wanting a conduit for 20 years
and I wouldn’t allow it.

Not as a jeweler, because I felt safe, 
and not as a store owner because I never had a minute.
But the real reason was:
I wasn’t in enough pain.
There! I said it!
The pain made me do it!
And it’s been such a gift.

So now that I’ve found this outlet of writing, 
I wanted to share my feelings at the same time I was processing 
all the curious things that happened around the loss of my business.
It has been cathartic…and extremely uncomfortable.

Re living these events can bring me right back to the smells,
the sounds, and most importantly now,
now that I’m finally able to 
really process them…the feelings.

I was in “get it done” mode, so I stayed pretty numb.
I’m done with numb!
When you numb sadness you also numb joy.
That is a price I’m no longer willing to pay.

I’m not certain if it was just that it’s the same time of year, 
or that four years have passed,
Wow! It seems like a million…or the day before yesterday.
Maybe it’s my newfound commitment to vulnerability,
But I felt compelled to share this story via my blog.

What I know for SURE is we all experience a wake up call in our lives.
It can be disguised as an accident or an illness,
A panic attack at three in the morning,
a divorce or break up,
the death of a loved one, 
or a profound loss.
It leaves us open and raw and ready for change.

So there you go!
That’s the second reason.
Everyone’s life looks so shiny and perfect from the outside.
Mine does.
But here’s the thing, we all have our shit.
Really!
You are not alone!
Here’s MY expensive, crazy, messy, miracle inducing,
Wake up call.
It’s changed me in ways I can’t even express.

But it didn’t kill me.

I’m a grown up now, my eyes are WIDE OPEN, and that’s a good thing.

I feel endless empathy for people going through their hardships.
“Been there, done that” big hug.

I’m kinder, more compassionate and thoughtful.

I’m over pretending things are great when they’re not,
so I’m an open book, 
(much to my husband’s chagrin, because he’s still pretty private).

And I’m reaching out and helping people.
At least that’s my intention.
Thanks for indulging me,

Now tell me your Epic Fail/Epic Win stories.

Xox Janet

Let’s get to the Win! Right?!
I’m gonna tie it all up now in a nice neat bow.
Readers digest version.
Get the Kleenex.
Just kidding!

I sued and was sued every which way you can imagine.
And it is really not my nature!
I’m not the litigious type.
I’m the artsy fartsy type.
I’m a lover not a fighter.
I was a fish out of water…swimming with sharks.
I found myself wanting to blurt out in one of the numerous depositions,
“Can’t we all just get along”?

Some of the people that worked with me were great.
Gary and his company were great.
Others were not.
Let’s just leave it at that.
You know who you are.

There were no more miracles.
God had shown off early in the game,
With two back to back.
I was lucky to have those!
But the quota had been met, and now
She was uncharacteristically quiet.
She must have been working on more important matters,
Like world peace.

So I prayed for an answer.
Why me?
Silence
I prayed for relief.
There was none.
I felt ignored and alone.
When I felt emotion at all,
I felt rage. 
Now I realize she WAS there, she just wanted me to go inside.
To pull up my big girl pants, and find my own courage there.

After three years I eventually recouped 80% of the COST of my merchandise
And the lawyers took 40% of that.

I owe everybody In the world money, and I’m slowly paying them off.
I probably owe you some money…get in line!

I’m normally an optimistic, happy person.
My sister used to ask me “who blew sunshine up my ass”.
This had turned me into a sad sack.
I became super serious, with absolutely no sense of humor,
(Which really COULD have saved me)
I had absolutely NO coping skills whatsoever!

Some people handle adversity with strength ,wisdom and grace.
That was NOT me.
I wanted to go live under a bridge with the trolls.
I hated answering the phone or looking at mail,
It always seemed to be bad news.

But…I’m SO lucky!
Honestly!
I always had a roof over my head and plenty of chocolate to eat.

My husband never left me, which was a miracle, given my disposition
And the fact that 2009 sucked for his profession, construction, as well.
We made it through with our deep abiding love.
Oh come on! let’s get real! 
That and copious amounts of wine!

My friends and family have also been there for me, helping me feel
like I wasn’t a total deadbeat.
“Look, You took a shot at your dream” they said.
Secretly happy they still had their day jobs.

The bottom line is this:
I know things always work out for me.
I WILL pull a rabbit out of my hat!
This transition feels big, and beautiful and perfect.
So I’m now looking forward to the next chapter,
And I’m starting to believe that the best times of my life are ahead of me.

I’d say that’s an Epic Win!

Xox Janet

The claim was denied.
Then it wasn’t.
Then the insurance wanted to pay me $10,000 to settle.
They sent a letter basically patting me on the head and sending their best wishes
On my “fresh new start”.
I was advised not to settle, and I didn’t.

The 100 year old pipe that ruptured was called a “trunk line”.
It is 6ft in diameter and carries water from the reservoir into the city.
That night, I was told by a DWP official, 30,000 gallons a MINUTE
had burst through the asphalt and formed a flash flood that took out my store.
It took them over 6 hours to turn the water off! 
DWP said to have my lawyer file the paperwork, 
and they would get back to me in a year and a half.
After all, they were busy, they were having water-main breaks almost daily.

Days turned to weeks, weeks to months.

Now, I know life isn’t fair.
I once had a snarky t-shirt that said something to that effect.
But I did everything right, and I trusted the system.
I carried the big insurance policy, with the giant monthly premium,
I kept meticulous records.
I had every receipt.
My books were completely transparent,
But somehow that wasn’t good enough.

Somewhere the tables had turned and I was the villain in this drama.
I somehow had a direct line to God, and arraigned for a flood to come and
wipeout my store because business wasn’t great.
It was 2009.
Lehman Brothers, Washington Mutual Bank and Circuit City
were among the over 200 big businesses to file bankruptcy that year.
They could have just asked God for a flood and saved themselves a lot of trouble.

After 18 months it was clear, I had to lawyer up to get any real money from the insurance company AND DWP. Oh yeah, and a third one because my landlord was suing me for every dime of back rent.

Realization number one:
Well, life isn’t fair is number one, so…

Realization number two:
Insurance will do ANYTHING …NOT to pay you.
They will drag their feet, and lie and be just awful.
And that surprised me.

Realization number three:
You still have to pay all the bills on a flooded, cut up, closed business.
No slack…no kidding.
That STILL gives me a stomach ache.

Realization number four:
Next time ask God for a fire.

It’s feeling pretty Epic Fail right about now, isn’t it?

Xox Janet 
(To be continued)

The second miracle occurred during cleanup.
We were about four days in.
The mud had been cleaned up, but the floors, walls and windows and merchandise, were still covered with a layer of smelly slime
We covered our faces with those cloth masks, and plugged on.
Oh yeah, did I mention it was over 100 degrees!

This was the day I was told that the walls of the building had to be cut open up to 5 feet in order to air them out and avoid the dreaded mold.
I don’t know why that hit me so hard, but it did, and I went outside and sat and cried while the sawzall carved up my beautiful little store.
This felt serious…and sad.

Gary came outside and put his arm around me, and we sat silently watching 
the carnage.
When he finally did say something, he asked me if I wanted to go in and box up the things in the bathroom storage closets that hadn’t gotten wet.
Since the walls would be wide open, someone could potentially get inside and 
help themselves to whatever was left behind, so he suggested I go take a look.
I think he also just wanted to keep me busy, so he didn’t have to look at my big, sad, soggy face.

The bathroom was pitch dark, as I poked around in the back closets with a box and a garbage bag, waiting for my eyes to adjust.
It felt weird to me to be salvaging windex, paper towels and toilet cleaner.
It occurred to me I could just leave it for the salvage crew.
I was numb, just going through the motions, trying not to feel too much.

Tucked in the back was a box of Tampons with the top torn off.
All my good customers knew it was there.
I would occasionally bring a handful from home to refill it.
All the women reading this know what I’m talking about.
There were several left in the box, so I tucked them into my pocket,
and tossed the empty box in the garbage bag.
But it wasn’t empty. There was something heavy that was sliding around the bottom of the box as it hurtled toward the trash.

I reached inside and pulled out the expensive watch my husband had given me for our 5th anniversary.
I stood there in the dark, the hair stood up on the back of my neck, and I started to shake, then I started to scream!

That watch had been ” missing” for about 2 years.
My husband had just recently mentioned how disappointed he was that I hadn’t found it yet.
We both knew I wasn’t someone who lost my jewelry.
In my previous life as a jeweler, I had worn the watch a lot.
But since opening the store, it seemed too fancy, and I only took it out of the safe for special occasions. 
I NEVER wore it to the store.
One day I had gone into the safe to get it…and it was gone.

Did I mention I found the watch on September 9th?
Our anniversary is September 9th.
The missing watch had mysteriously appeared after 2 years,
on a sad but significant day, in an impossible place.
It was a sign.
Don’t lose hope.
Miracles occur.
I couldn’t call my husband fast enough.

XoxJanet
( to be continued)

This very thought has been a life preserver in a sea of dread that tries to drown me in the middle of the night.
I have the choice to either believe that my best days are behind me, which can let all the air out of my life, or… to anticipate many wonderful days ahead.
Which do you choose?

XoxJanet

I was lucky enough to be present at the announcement today , that Marianne Williamson is running for the US Congress!! But to get us in the right mood, Alanis Morrisette started things off with a couple of songs, all acoustic. I hadn’t heard this song in a long time and the words really resonated. My friends and I cried thru the whole thing!!
Xox Janet

How ’bout getting off these antibiotics
How ’bout stopping eating when I’m full up
How ’bout them transparent dangling carrots
How ’bout that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How ’bout me not blaming you for everything
How ’bout me enjoying the moment for once
How ’bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How ’bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down

How ’bout no longer being masochistic
How ’bout remembering your divinity
How ’bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How ’bout not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you

“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame,judgment, and blame.”

― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

After reading this book and hearing this woman, whom I deem A gift from God speak,
I had an “ah ha” moment about that torturous, addictive, up in the middle of the night, thing called perfectionism.

What Brene helped me to understand, was that perfectionism comes from that deep well of shame and inadequacy that we immediately go to when we feel we must impress. But who are we impressing?
That well has been filled by all our negative self talk, and is fed by the very thing that we feel we lack the most.

So we will overextend ourselves, often to the point of exhaustion, to overcompensate. That starts more shame and self judgement, and now those negative voices, they have formed a choir…. A very loud choir, and the well gets deeper and deeper.

Here is the question I’ve had to ask myself. Am I striving for excellence?
wanting to be the best ME I can be? Is that what fuels the desire to be perfect?
Or…is all this tail chasing going on because of what I want “THEM” to think of me?
AH HA! Right?!

I was often under the false illusion that I was just striving for excellence.
But your demons are great bullshitters. They’ll tell you anything to keep the game going, those rascals.

So , “who am I trying to impress”‘ is always the first question I ask myself
When I get that twinge toward perfectionism.

Because you know what?
The peanut gallery,
“THEY”
Are never satisfied.
If they are as judgmental as I am…I’m doomed!

I have to say that age has set me free.
Perfectionism was my judge and jailer much more when I was younger, and age has brought me a certain ability to relax into the fact that things are never going to be perfect, most certainly, myself.

Whew!! What a relief!!

XoxJanet