My BFF, Steph and I caught this on the SNL Christmas Special that aired one day last week and we laughed ourselves silly!
You see, it’s about a peach candle that gets regifted around the world. I’m sure Steph was laughing at the mere concept of a peach candle getting passed around from person to person as the anecdote to “I forgot to get you a present”, or “I really don’t know you that well, Jenny!”
As for me, well, I had a dark secret and it’s about damn time I came clean.
You guys, I have an entire drawer in my house dedicated to regifting. And most of it is devoted to candles. And most of the candles are pine scented because I make it my mission all year to find the best ones and through many, many years of exhaustive research I can report to you that most of them are absolutely horrible. Like, slap your own face horrible. Like, I’m offended by you and how can you call yourself pine when you smell like moose ass horrible.
I’m not proud of this in the least, but I feel better now that I’ve admitted.
And by-the-way, if you deny you have something similar in a closet or a drawer; a secret stash of candles whose scent is so cloying they make you want to gag, or stationery that is so old fashioned that the 1960’s called and they have no use for it either. If you even try to get all judgy on me and deny this—you have to live with yourself because YOU are a lying liar who lies.
But I forgive you because it’s Christmas. But if I see you just know that I will hang mistletoe off your nose, Pinocchio.
At work we exchanged a single Secret Santa present and the same pair of reindeer socks and box of awful peppermint candy made the rounds for about a decade. But what did I expect? The limit was thirty dollars and you can barely buy a cup of coffee or feed a parking meter for under thirty dollars in LA. Besides, I think we can all agree that nobody gives one brain cell of thought, one fire of a neuron, to a Secret Santa gift, most especially men.
I once was regifted something I had given the person and he’d not even taken the time to rip off my handwritten tags! But here’s the thing, I didn’t get mad, how could I? I actually laughed, put it in my “regifting” drawer, and gave it back to him in a different box the following year!
So, in the spirit of Christmas I encourage you to go to that special closet or drawer, and clean that sucker out! Let’s all get rid of that shit and start fresh.
I’ll start. I will give every partially burned candle (Because I burn the questionable ones to see if they get better when burned—they don’t) to my blind housekeeper, Maria, (She will never notice. Oh, don’t get your panties in a bunch, it’s the truth!) and probably most of the unburned ones as well.
The stationery I will donate to a local church. I just know the ladies there will love it, (it has ‘church lady’ written all over it).
And then I may just have to throw the rest of it away because if I take the time to do some careful self-reflection I will have to admit that I’m one shoebox away from being a…a…hoarder!
There. I said it. Now I’m going to eat my feelings. I hear pie calling!
Carry on,
xox
