public humiliation

I realize this post could be polarizing. It could upset people.
What upsets me is the fact that because of your age, many of you may not even know who Monica Lewinsky is!

“Public shaming as a blood sport has to stop.”

“Show of hands – who has regrets from their days as a twenty-two-year-old?”

“At the age of twenty-two I fell in love with my boss…”

These are just a few quotes from Monica Lewinsky’s recent TED talk.

I had read the Vanity Fair article, but I was curious;
what did she have to say for herself now as a woman in her forties?

I found her talk articulate, fascinating, and thought-provoking.

Like many at the time, I’m ashamed to say I had judged her as a doe-eyed, beret-wearing bimbo, who during a lapse of better judgment, trusted a “friend”, and neglected to get that freakin’ blue dress to the cleaners…then lived to regret it.

I drank the kool-aid of popular opinion.

As I watched her speak I have to say, I was awash in contradictory emotions. I found myself feeling sorry for her, yet what surprised me were my overriding feelings of empathy and pride. I was damn proud of her. Yes, that’s right, I said it.

She’s had the audacity to pick her head up and speak out.

How long do we punish ourselves for our mistakes and missteps?
Ten years? Twenty? A lifetime?

Are we allowed to re-write our narratives? Start over and reinvent ourselves using all our gained wisdom and insight?

Watch the video and then…
You tell me.

Carry on,
Xox

<p>
PUNISHMENT 
pun·ish·ment
ˈpəniSHmənt/
noun
1. The infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offense.
“crime demands just punishment”
synonyms: penalizing, punishing, disciplining

Are you a punisher?
I was…I have been…so I guess I am.

I’ve withheld sex after a fight. That’s a classic.
I’ve withheld my attention when I’ve felt misunderstood.
I’ve given the silent treatment, which to some was actually a reward, so I stopped.

I’d venture to guess we’ve all got a little of the punisher inside us.

I’m not passive aggressive, I’m actively aggressive. I do not shy away from confrontation. To me, passive aggression is a form of punishment. You say everything’s okay, when you think it’s not. You avoid direct confrontation, then pout, procrastinate, or fail to complete the task you were asked to do. Ugh! Don’t punish everyone. Just say no next time.

When I’ve punished, I’ve felt unheard or misunderstood, so I didn’t feel like rewarding that behavior with my time, attention or affection.
Disappointment is the worst. “I will make you pay!” 
“You get no Janet love!”
But what made me think that bad behavior would get me my desired results? Again, it is a false sense of power, who’s unstable foundation is fear and insecurity. There’s so many of those, and they wamboozel us. Remember ultimatums?
http://theobserversvoice.com/2014/03/20/youre-not-the-boss-of-me/
What made me think I could be a bitch to you, and THAT would make you do what I ask…or want me more?

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say it stems from my childhood. (Gasp)
[Cue the cheesy organ music from the old soap operas] I’m certain I saw it as a child. The silent treatment. We screwed up and mom’s not talking to us. Uh oh.

“Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better?” 
― Jane Nelsen

Right?! I’ve REALLY grasped that concept as I’ve reached my 50’s. No need for public humiliation. No need to “find fault.” Ohhhh that’s another one. I had a boss, that when something went wrong; before we problem solved and tried to fix it, we had to all stand there and figure out whose fault it was. All two, maybe three of us.
Jeez.

Mistakes are made, people mess up, feelings get hurt, stuff gets broken (sorry mom) and now I for one, will be trying my damnedest to hang up my punisher hat.
You know, the one with the bright red: “I’m always right” on the front.
How about you?

XoxJanet

Are you a punisher? Do you know someone who is? I’ve confessed, Don’t leave me hangin’
Let me know in the comments below.