life choices

“When are you going to start a family?”
The ink wasn’t even dry on the marriage license, I still had rice in my hair, for cryin’ out loud. Really?

How the hell did I know? I was barely twenty, my husband twenty-three. WE were the babies in the room.

It’s the rare individual who is introspective enough to ask him or herself at a young age: What kind of life do I see for myself? Will I have children?

Some people just KNOW. The rest of us, we just go with the proverbial flow.
We date, fall in love, have the wedding, the picket fence and….screech! (sound of a needle being dragged across a record) hey, not so fast.

Your early twenties are times of impetuous, risk taking behavior – not the picket fence and most definitely not parenthood – at least not for me.
I could back it up with SCIENCE:
There have been recent studies and in fact, research from the National Institutes of Health has shown, the prefrontal cortex, a region of the brain associated with inhibition of risky behavior, and decision-making, doesn’t get fully developed until age 25.
Being a late bloomer, I think my prefrontal cortex finally matured at around thirty-five, sadly, it still wasn’t screaming “make a baby!”

What was wrong with me? All my friends were doing it. Even my little sister.
Hello?! Where was my maternal gene?
At the time it felt like it had been replaced by the much more irresponsible (red hair dye, wine drinking, spend every dime on shoes, travel around Europe) gene.

It wasn’t a calling for me. I know a calling. I move heaven and earth when something calls me. Motherhood? Meh, not so much. It’s not that I don’t love kids, I do. Just never enough to make my own.

There was also the fact that the stars just never aligned.
It didn’t occur to me to start a family when I was married, it always felt like a decision for another day; and when it finally did cross my mind I was epically, tragically, single. Not a man in sight, let alone “father material.” By the time I married my second husband, as fate would have it, my eggs were all dried up.

Sooooo, I gave single motherhood some serious thought, only to be discouraged by a very wise, older woman friend, a “crone” who asked me, “the maiden”, why I wanted to have a child?
I stammered on for a good five minutes, never coming up with anything better than
“Everyone’s doing it.”

“It’s the MOST important job, being a mama. Come talk to me when you have a better reason.” This maiden could never come up with one.

“To make the decision to have a child – is momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body”
~Elizabeth Stone

By my mid thirties, when I answered “no” to the kid inquiry, a sad, concerned look would wash over women’s faces; until I assured them that I was biologically able – it was a conscious choice of mine not to.

UNLEASH THE KRAKEN! 

Many women got angry, really angry; especially at baby showers. You know the ones where you bring your babies? THOSE were the worst.
There was even some name calling.

Selfish.
I’ve been called that many times in my life.
It’s code for: why aren’t you doing what I’m doing?
It’s been hurled my way in anger, hitting me like a dagger in the back.
It’s happened so many times, I have a callouses there – these days the dagger just bounces off.

Is it selfish not to have children? Probably. Can selfish be a good thing? Yes, yes it can.

Call it what you want. I just knew I wasn’t wired for that level of self-sacrifice, and my unborn children are better off because of that.

Up until then, my life had seemed like a series of accidents, not premeditated in any way.
But soon I recognized that I had made a choice, that I had decided “my supreme and risky fate” and that I didn’t need to hide in a cave; then, and only then, did the name calling stop.
Isn’t that always the way?

Now I’m over fifty, and the question is: How many grandchildren?

What I know for sure is this: I’m so incredibly grateful to be born at a time in history when we’re not put in stockades in the town square, with villagers throwing eggs at our childless faces.
We decided it wasn’t for us…and that’s okay.
Luckily, times have changed, women are so much more accepting and supportive of different life choices. These days I feel anything but ostracized, some woman actually applaud my decision.

Childless women.
As Liz Gilbert and O talked about on Sunday, we get to be the spectacular aunties.
Mamas need the aunties.
We play a very important supporting role, we get to teach selfishness – which is thankfully something most mamas know NOTHING about.

Tell me about you. I’d love to hear YOUR story. When did you decide not to have children?

much love,
xox

Be prepared to O. P. E. N your mind here.
I’m going to elaborate on this council I mentioned in the March 25th post.

Here’s what I’ve learned over the years, through various books, lectures and classes and what I now believe wholeheartedly.

I’m just going to save you the years of searching and condense it, humanize it and try to make it palatable.

You’re welcome.

As always,  the parts of this that resonate with you, set the rest aside. That’s what I always recommend. It’s how discernment works. And, it helps you fine tune your bullshit meter.

So, here goes. Since we are all infinite energy, we exist with consciousness, even when we don’t have a physical body. That is why death at that level, is just an illusion.
When we get bored playing around in the non-physical and we decide to take a body on Earth, there is a lot of responsibility that goes with the planning and coordinating. You can’t just come down without a purpose. As I’ve said before, there are no “extra” people wandering around down here.
Okay, we do experience amnesia, which makes things…interesting, kinda exciting, even an adventure. And without it, we wouldn’t play the game.

So…we’re thinking of taking a body again and all that entails.
The pros: An experience smorgasbord of:
Touch, feel, taste.
Sex
Emotions.
Personal interactions, relationships.
Endless choices
Just to name a few.
The cons: All of the above.
Add a dash of Free Will, and let the games begin.
That’s where the council comes in. It is composed of several souls that have such a vested interest in our plan, that they want to tag along. They very much need to be present at these “meetings” to coordinate just when and where they will make their
appearance. They may be the love of our lives AND the boss we can’t stand. Playing the parts that will help us the most to grow. Our parent’s souls are definitely part of that group. Enough said.

Then there are the souls whose job it is to help others plan their lives on Earth.

I think of them as the experts or the Masterminds. They may have never even had a life here, but they are the go-to source of all things Earth. (Which to me is like a priest teaching sex education, I’m just sayin’). But it works. They have an easy time being dispassionate. In other words, they don’t buy into the drama and the bullshit.

Also at the table, is the part of your soul you left behind. Often referred to as The Higher Self. The energy we are all composed of, is too huge to squeeze into this tiny body, so a large portion stays behind. It’s that part of us that has infinite knowledge, the smarty pants part of our souls. You can tell it’s your Higher Self a mile away, they cheer the loudest.
They all wear TEAM sweatshirts. TEAM JANET’S are red.
Seated next to them, are our Guardian Angels.
The bottom line is this: Everyone present wants to help us succeed with our purpose or plan.

Even if we don’t, they do check in at various times in our lives, to remind us of our path and give us love, support and chocolate. Most especially when the wheels have fallen off the cart and we are dangerously close to starring in our own TLC reality series: Living Bad Choices, Her Life As A Hot Mess.
Whenever I witness a complete 180 degree course correction in my life or someone’s close to me, I know the council had a hand in it. Bless them and their infinite patience and sense of humor.

All of this is done at an unconscious level of course, most likely while we’re asleep…or driving…or while our neighbor drones on about the snails in his garden.

When I was young, this all felt very “Big Brother” to me. Were they watching EVERYTHING? Did they see me in the bathroom or watch me try on bathing suits at Nordstrom?
But as I’ve grown older the thought of this council feels…comforting. Often, before I go to sleep at night, I give some thought and then set an intention as to what I’d like to discuss that night. If there’s a certain problem I want them to chew on for me, I just ask. I know they have the map of my life, all spread out, with the big picture. They know my purpose and the 17,000 different paths I can take to get there, and I trust them to show me the way. They are the voice of my intuition after all.

What color is your TEAM sweatshirt? Make a list of three topics you’d like the council to work on for you right before bed, then share the results with us.

XoxJanet

Ultimatums are rarely a good idea.
In life, in relationships and when dealing with the Universe.
When we are driven to taking this tactic, hands on our hips, lips pursed, loaded with attitude, wearing our bossy pants…we will lose.
And we’ve ALL done it.

Think about it, you have set your terms, made your demands and you are promising some kind of retaliation or an end to communication all together, if you don’t get the answer you desire.
First of all, that’s called emotional extortion, that’s a topic for another day.
Still, it seems like you have all the power… butcha don’t….Not really.

The final outcome lies in the hands of the receiver of the ultimatum.
It’s his call, he could end it all. Because YOU said so.

You know what the Universe says to an ultimatum?
“You’re not the boss of me”.

You know how I know that? Because it told me so.

Recently; like yesterday, I was giving the Universe my latest, in the long line of ultimatums I’ve been issuing, and that “voice” chimed in:
Me: So, here’s the deal, you’ve gotta do “this thing” or I can’t make all this other stuff happen.
Uni: Don’t give me an ultimatum, you’re not the boss of me, give me choices.
Me: What do you mean, choices?
Uni: Give me your three most preferable choices, in descending order, from best to worst. I’ll take it from there.
Me: Why would I do that?
Uni: To maintain your flexibility. It also allows us to throw you a curve ball. Something amazing, that’s completely unexpected.
Me: But I really, strongly, feel that it has to go down my way.
Uni: You are acting stubborn and misguided.
Me: Don’t sugarcoat it, tell me how you really feel…Shit…okay.

After that, I did come up with three scenarios that would work in that situation.
Funny, earlier I was convinced there was only one. So, I shot off a mental memo to the Universe, and sat back feeling relieved.
I wasn’t nervously waiting for the shoe to drop. Now I knew it could go any number of ways and that would be fine.
I DID feel more flexibility around my expectations.
I’m Gumby dammit!

Now I’ve got to go borrow a baseball mitt, gotta be ready for my curveball.
How about you?

XoxJanet