lawsuits

As my husband deftly backs our car out of the driveway I can see from my passenger seat’s, bird’s eye view, that he is once again thisclose to a couple of landscape lights that dot the path down to the street.

He’s darn close…closer than close…he’s pretty damn near on top of them…”Um, you’re getting pretty close to those lights” I interject nervously. I can’t help myself, even knowing full well what I will hear next. “No I’m not.”

And just like the thousands of times before, he makes it down the driveway with millimeters to spare.

Jackass or genius? I’m still not sure.
It makes my heart pound and turns me into a nervous wreak every time and I have to admit: one of these days I want one of those metal lights to peel back the side of the car like a freakin’ can opener.

I just want to be right!

What the fuck is that? Well you guys — its human nature, that’s what! Sometimes I just want to be right — no matter the cost. Geesh! Will I ever learn?

When the water main busted back in 2009 and spewed millions of gallons of water into my store I was certain it was the DWP’s problem. And the insurance company’s.

Through no fault of my own I had been put out of business overnight. I wanted people to pay. “Make it right you jerks.”

Four years, three lawsuits, thousands of sleepless nights, buckets of tears and hundreds of cases of wine later – we settled.

It cost me tens of thousands in attorney fees (the truth is, they are the only ones that make any money), it most certainly cost me my peace of mind, and it almost cost me my marriage.

I felt life had been ridiculously unfair and I just wanted justice. But I paid a huge price.

After that craptastrophe of bad choices and heartache, I was forced to reassess my life strategy. I looked for the nugget inside the shit.

Did I want to be right OR did I want to be happy?

I was operating under the flawed premise that big checks with lots of zeros and vindication would make me happy.

Only time and focusing my attention on the future instead of the past would eventually fill that happiness void.

AND…
I started studying The Path of Least Resistance.

What choices can I make now that will get me what I want and where I need to be, with the least amount of blood, sweat and tears.

That’s a concept, right?
What about “no pain, no gain?” What about standing up for whats right?
We erect statues and monuments to the warriors whose lives are fraught with struggle. Was that me? Was that the life I signed up for?

Fuck no! Not anymore.

Sometimes life isn’t fair, oftentimes we get dealt a raw deal, so do we make it worse you guys, by digging in and fighting the person or situation or do we get quiet, gain some clarity, some perspective, and then make the hard choices from that place?

I am in NO way advocating rolling over and playing dead, or throwing in the towel at the first hint of conflict!

If someone fucks you over by all means get compensation, but know this: you will NEVER get every dollar that is owed you and they will NEVER admit their guilt or say they’re sorry. EVER. And eventually…that has to be okay.

Listen, if you’re like me and you want justice and you want to be told “Oh, you’re right, we were horribly wrong, here’s what’s fair and oh, by the way, we are So sorry, ” it ain’t ever gonna happen.

Remember this is coming from a Pollyanna with sunshine up her ass.

I’m not cynical — I’m someone who learned the hard way that life would have been so much easier and in the long run happier, if I had just recouped what loses I could and then moved on with my life, instead of marinating in the deep, dark, treacherous cesspool of the legal system for four years —just to tell my sad story, get everyone’s sympathy, feel vindicated and get fully compensated — all which never happened by the way.

I have several people around me who are currently going through some incredibly difficult and unfair situations and this is the advice I’d offer…but only after they ask.

Start off with the best people around you. The no-shit takers—yours or anyone else’s. The most informed yet least vindictive experts you can find.

Have an endpoint in mind, a reasonable dollar amount, and a timeframe that doesn’t make your head explode.

Don’t fight for fighting’s sake, meaning, if at all possible don’t play mind games that incite rage (you know what I mean) and don’t let your own rage write emails, refuse to sign documents, negotiate, compromise or make deals.

Don’t let it bother you each time he pulls out of the driveway, and for Godsakes don’t wish a car wreak on him when he drives like a jackass.

Being right is highly over rated, hard on relationships, and wildly expensive. Take it from me.

Carry on you warriors,
xox

Snarky Sam.
He doesn’t have a kind word to say, well, ever.
You can count on him to complain about the weather, the slow waiter, the quality of the vegetables at the local Framers Market “their celery is flaccid” and most certainly your clothes “your closet is where 1985 went to die”, so why in God’s name would you ask his advice — about anything?

Debbie Downer (that character was invented by SNL, but it is applicable here) sees only the worst aspects of things.
In dogs, hats, and especially people.
“that hat is wearing that woman” she’ll whisper just loud enough so that the entire room, including that poor woman, can hear her.

She had one good day back in the early nineties that had an unfortunate ending – something about her foot and some dog shit, so every canine is the target of her vitriol. “You know I love Thailand, they don’t have a stray dog problem there because they eat them.”

If you share any of your good news with her she is the first one to rain on your parade, interrupting you to let you know she ran into your ex at Target and he said you looked old…and fat; or to remind you of the fact that your student loans will only take you another thirty-seven years to pay off.

Debbie’s a bitch, so you can expect that her advice will be…horrible.

Barracuda Betty.
Now she really appears as if she’s got her shit together. High functioning, top performer at her company, food connoisseur, and loyal friend.
But if you read the small print on her Friendship Resume you’ll find she is also a backstabbing secret spiller and wealthy ex-husband collector.

Her loose lips possess some of the juiciest gossip that exists on. the. planet. She has dirt on everyone (it’s rumored she even has some stink on Oprah) which makes the seat next to her at dinner parties the most highly coveted ticket in town.

Betty has the most amazing trainer, maitre ‘d at a five-star restaurant, not-so-discreet plastic surgeon, and the most cut throat divorce attorney in the country all on speed dial; and in a crisis she will tenderly pat your back and dry your tears, just don’t ask her for advice.

Betty gets and gives Bad Barracuda Advice, and if you follow it you’d better have a couple packs of cigarettes to bribe the other prison inmates, some bail money set aside, and an airtight alibi — because there will be a trail of bad decisions from here to Kingdom Come, huge invoices from a private detective to pay, and an open can of  whoop ass to clean up.

What I’m getting at you guys is this: When the going gets tough and the fan is hitting the shit, who do you go to for advice?

The person that will commiserate with you, fill your head with devious ideas and fuel your fire; or someone who will listen calmly and only agree with roughly fifty percent of everything you say? I know, hard choice.

I’m horrified by some of the stories I’ve been hearing lately about friends that are on the receiving end of some crazy ass, mean-spirited, highly questionable deeds that have been perpetrated on them after the other party sought and followed Bad Barracuda Advice. When that happens, consider the source and by all means don’t take the bait.

There’s no winner in a one man bar fight, and that’s what they want — they want a brawl — and they want to win. At all costs.

Nobody wants to hear “Two wrongs don’t make a right,” You wanna know why? Because it’s true! You’re the good guy, the white hat; you’re just an unwilling participant in a fucked up situation. Sit tight and let the other party spin their wheels, taking all the bad advice that these shifty characters have to offer, knowing that in the end, when the dust settles, you will prevail.

You may not be able to see that for years but it WILL become clear to you if you can manage to stay out of the gutter.

I promise.

And when you are seeking advice what should you listen to?
Well, you may want to punch the person in the throat that offers up this pearl of wisdom: “There are two sides to every story”. That implies that YOUR side may not stand up to the scrutiny of a friendly kitchen table cross-examination.

None of us are right one hundred percent of the time and a good friend will call bullshit, and then immediately fill your glass with more wine.

Run from the friend that thinks “You’re not being hard enough on him” or says, “Lets make her pay”.

That reeks of Bad Barracuda Advice and you, (we) are all better than that.

Carry on & try to stay out of prison,
xox