killing

This is a post from back in the summer of 2017—or the Great Studio City Rat Infestation as it will be forever known at our house. The stories of our plight made my friends, and you guys, howl with delight. Everyone thought it was a riot and I have to agree. It was all so ridiculous I would have laughed too if it hadn’t been so sad. 

xox Carry on

 Three-quarter beloved, family-member and the rest steely-eyed assassin, Maria, our blind housekeeper killed a rat on Saturday.
Actually, how she put it (in Spanglish of course) was that she broomed it to death.
And I believe her.

Besides using it like a white cane (you should see my chipped baseboards) the broom is to Maria as the hammer is to Thor or the bow and arrow are to Katniss.

Even though I’ve never been able to ascertain through repeated questioning WHY she sweeps the entire house before she vacuums it (even the rugs) I’ve just accepted the fact that the broom serves as a third, prosthetic arm of sorts and never more so now that she’s well…blind.

(We are going to retire the killing broom. Maybe hang it on the wall somewhere like a Samurai sword.)

I’ve seen her expertly swipe her trusty broom at spider webs like a machete clearing an Amazonian rainforest, push heavy chairs around with it, and lovingly swat the little brown dog’s ass to move her outside.

And apparently, on Saturdays, while we’re at lunch—she kills rodents with it.

As the story goes, this one had the audacity to cross her path outside next to the bar-b-que. Before you ask, I have no idea why she continues to go outside in the ninety-plus-degree heat to sweep. I’ve never asked her to do it and it’s not like she doesn’t have enough to do inside—good Lord, have you met us?

Anyway, since her eyesight is shit, I assume she heard it first. Maybe it stood up on its hind legs and sassed her. I had one do that to me recently when I startled it out by my office (the feeling was mutual) and I have to tell you if I’d had a broom…
She explained her killing spree by saying that it was fair game out in the open like that, and besides, it was slow.

Since we have poison EVERYWHERE I suspect he was dying.

Now please, don’t get all “up in my face” about this. It was the last resort and I hate it too! But after a year of natural repellents, New Age sonic machines, eucalyptus oil and just walking outside at dusk and asking them nicely to vacate the premises—by anyone’s standards we have a legitimate rat infestation.

I was actually beginning to wonder on Friday if the poison was even working, when Nick, our salaried exterminator, came by (his third visit that week) to inform me that he was going through a month’s supply of poison every 48 hours. When he said that, a collective gasp erupted from me and the FIVE rats that were on the deck two feet away doing the backstroke in my fountain. Kidding aside (and I’m not kidding!) they have turned my sweet, garden fountain into spring break in Palm Springs.

So, as bad as I feel that it has come to this, to the fact that my blind housekeeper has to clean our toilets AND do rat-battle, I can no longer tolerate them running inside and taunting me.

http://www.theobserversvoice.com/2017/08/at-least-this-tuesday-is-better-than-last-tuesday-but-that-wasnt-hard-to-do/

Besides, having these many rodents around the property is just not sanitary.

In closing, I’m seeing to it that Maria gets combat pay. And she’s officially my spirit animal because she’s a badass, mamajama with that broom (I couldn’t do it).

And just so you know, rats don’t listen when they are asked nicely to leave. Believe me—I tried.

Carry on,
xox

I heard a statistic today. One that I found so hard to believe I had to look it up—and it’s true—and it put me over the edge.

There are more gun dealers in the U.S. than there are Starbucks in the ENTIRE WORLD.

Now, here is why I find that so hard to believe. I’ve traveled pretty extensively and that’s the one thing, good or bad, that you can count on seeing in a foreign country.
A Starbucks. Oh, and a KFC.

I’m at a loss here you guys.

And I’m pissed. And I don’t like to post my rants, but after talking to numerous people the past couple of days, I know I’m not alone in feeling…sad…confused and mad as hell!

After the events of this past Sunday morning, I just have to go on record as saying, how fucking sick I am of these mass shootings.

What are we to do?

Vote?

Our politicians are bogged down by partisan rhetoric. The two party system is in shambles, while fear and rage, two very dangerous bedfellows, have hijacked a cross section of our citizenry and are fanning some very scary flames.

We are assured that the background checks will stop any “bad guys” from being able to buy guns.
And just for the record, I’m sure any self-respecting bad guy gets his guns from other bad guys at the bad guy gun shop located in the back of some bad guy’s garage. He doesn’t fill out paperwork and wait the three days for the background check to clear…

Or does he?

This guy had been questioned repeatedly by the FBI and was even on some kind of terrorist watch list and yet—he was able to purchase an assault weapon a couple of weeks ago along with a regular handgun.

And in a twisted case of truth is crueler than fiction, can you guess who does the background checks?
The FBI.
They missed a guy—on a watch list—who was buying an assault rifle. I feel safe.

While we’re at it let’s talk about the AR-15, shall we?
This is a weapon of mass destruction that has killed innocent elementary children at Newtown.
Innocent movie-goers in Aurora.
Innocent student and faculty in San Bernadino.
And innocent party-goers in Orlando.

And it can be obtained legally.

Can we just all agree, once and for all, in the complete INSANITY of a private citizen being able to own a military weapon? An assault rifle?

Don’t argue with me on this. I’m not in the mood!

This time, the guy targeted gays and latinos. Then he pledged allegiance to Isis.

Not my problem! you say. (Not you guys, because I know you would never say that, but people do).

They pissed him off, somehow. You wanna know why? Because he wasn’t paying enough attention to his own life—he was judging theirs.

Which puts us ALL in the crosshairs. Who is watching you right now, hating what you stand for?

What if someone decides that blonds are fair game?
Or big mouths?
Or cat owners…because…well, cats.
What if a person decides that all bald men are evil?
Or guys who drive pick-ups.
Or people with children?

So we have to heighten out vigilance. Right?

That turns us into a nation of raging, paranoid separatists who are paying way too much attention to what the other guy is doing.

Who do we keep from immigrating? Whose records do we scrutinize? Who do we keep an eye on?

Men? These mass killers are mostly men.

Muslims?

The mentally ill?

Those with anger management issues?

Where does the list end?

When does it stop?

I’m at a loss here. I really am.

Someone explain this to me so I can be funny tomorrow.

Carry on,
xox