internet

What trends do you follow and why?

Back in the day, I used to slather myself with baby oil and squeeze lemon in my already blonde hair because that was what the fashion magazines told us to do. Sunscreen didn’t exist yet and neither did any common sense. I have the dermatologist bills to prove it.

Sunburned blonde girls with blue eyes and skin damage were trending.

My right hand grabbed a bag of Mango Licorice at Trader Joe’s this morning faster than my left hand could bat it away.
“Mango Licorice…hummmmm…” I heard myself say with the same curiosity I expressed the first time I saw a Diva cup.

Just like I did with yellow beets, fingerless gloves, Kobe beef, a fax machine, burrata cheese, and avocado toast.

“Yeah. They have mango everything these days”, said the purple haired girl stocking nuts nearby. (What a great sentence that was to write. The purple haired girl stocking nuts nearby—Even better the second time. Sorry, writer geek-out. Ha!)

Anyhow, she’s right! I just bought Mango lemonade last week and it lasted all of thirty seconds at my house because—it was LEMONADE! With MANGO! My husband snacks on dried soft mango strips. There are Mango Newtons out there (like Fig Newtons—only mango), and a few days ago I tried a piece of dark chocolate covered frozen mango that was so delicious I had my memory voluntarily erased so I wouldn’t be able to find my way back and have more.

Mango is trending.

Broccoli is also trending.

I love broccoli so that makes me happy, and luckily for me, I can’t go to a restaurant here in LA without seeing some broccoli mash-up on the menu. Seared broccoli with a balsamic reduction. Broccoli and bacon. Broccoli, kale (another trender), and some other obscure green that used to be flattered to make it to the plate as a garnish. Now we pay fifteen bucks for all of them shredded into a slaw with grapefruit sections—in a light MANGO dressing (extra points for a double trender).

But I know a lot of people, and maybe you’re one of them, who were traumatized as children by broccoli.

They would no sooner eat broccoli than sliced dolphin.
Yet, I see them try a bite every now and again when we order it.

Because it’s trending.

Speaking of trending, let’s talk about social media. The very minute I got comfortable with Facebook, I HAD to start Tweeting. Then I HAD to have an Instagram account. Then I did Blab. And Huffington Post Live. Now you’re nobody without Snapchat. By the time I get good at that—it’ll be obsolete.

Kinda like my iPhone.

Businesses need to have an internet presence.
Retailers sell their wares online.
I get it.

Publishers now want their writers to have huge social media platforms. To craft an online persona and sell ourselves. They want us all to be trending. They want already pre-packaged social media celebrities—just add water. Tweeting and vlogging, podcasting, blogging and hashtagging…apparently anything but writing.

That is a trend I may not follow. I have tried it and I say, yeah, not for me.

Oh, the irony…

I’ll stick with what I like and what I’m good at and maybe, just maybe, at age 58, I’ll have the common sense to stop chasing the trends.

What do yo think?

Carry on,
xox

One night a couple of weeks ago, my husband went into the lab for a sleep study.

It wasn’t all about the snoring so much as the ceasing to breathe (apnea). He gasps for breath like a fish out of water, and when the loud gasping wakes me up — well that shit has got to stop,

I can’t afford to sacrifice one moment of my beauty rest.

Seriously, apnea can cause a whole myriad of health issues — including death — which we all have to agree is the ultimate side effect—so he packed up his pillow and jammies and spent the night at the lab.

“You are one of the worst cases this lab has ever studied,” his doctor exclaimed, barely hiding her surprise as she read the report. “You wake up on average, thirty-seven times an hour! In other words, you get absolutely NO rest!”

She promptly wrote a prescription for one of those sexy CPAP machines, assuring him that it will “change his life.”

I know she’s right — I see a change in his sex life coming real soon.

That night when he got home he couldn’t stop yawning.
“I’m sooooo tired. You know; I get absolutely NO rest” he said, shooting me a zombie-eyed look as he stifled another yawn.

Two hours later, after yawning and complaining his way through dinner, I couldn’t hold back any longer. “Damn, you sure are suggestible,” I teased. “You felt fine until she told you weren’t getting any sleep, now look at you.”

He grinned sheepishly, “I know, right?”

I may know a thing or two about suggestibility.

I am NOT allowed to read the side effects that come with a prescription drug because I cannot be trusted from that moment on to feel anything legitimate.

If it says may cause constipation –– I won’t poop for a week.

May cause drowsiness –– I lapse into a coma.

If it lists depression or psychotic episodes –– I start hearing voices.

The same goes for Web MD.
It is my belief that no one without a medical degree should be allowed to log onto that site!

A few years back, that very same husband met me one morning in the kitchen doubled over, holding his side and wincing in pain. Seems he was up all night self-diagnosing his affliction with the help of the internet, and by morning they’d both agreed –– he had all the symptoms of appendicitis.

Ever the perfect, caring and sensitive wife –– I called bullshit.

“Oh sure you do. Come on, it’s just gas. Buck up and take an Alka Seltzer and quit being such a baby.”

In this case, I was wrong. He had to have an emergency appendectomy later on that night.

But my argument still stands!

Don’t read that shit, especially late at night or your headache will morph into a brain tumor in a matter of hours.

Trust me on this.

She felt amazing…until they told her she was sick…

I’m a firm believer that doctors should forget about their malpractice insurance for a minute and neglect to tell a patient the downside, the side effects, and the survival rate.

Most people are just too damn suggestible (myself included.) That information goes in their ears, bangs around in their brains, fires up all of the fear receptors, and then sets up shop up there—and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

My father was told that people with his stage of lung cancer had about eighteen months and by God, he kept that appointment with death. Shit dad; it was an educated guess, not a directive from the main office.

Studies have shown that men are the worst. They will obediently mark it on their sub-conscious calendars.

How about if we all agree to attach our hopes to only the positive suggestions; otherwise known as The Placebo Effect—Things work out for the best because we BELIEVE that to be true. 

They feel more like a hopeful heart flutter than a gut-punch.

That procedure doesn’t hurt a bit.

Owning a pet helps you live longer.

Sex can be counted as cardio.

It isn’t only diet and exercise that keeps you healthy, it’s a positive state of mind.

This bug only 24 hours, you’ll feel better by the morning.

Coffee is good for you.

Red wine keeps cancer at bay…

Blonds have more fun.

Those are the yummy suggestions that we should let set up shop in our brains and become a prophesy fulfilled –– not the drama and dreck the fear hands us.

Agreed?

Carry On,
xox

Whatcha think? Exhilarating or terrifying?

xox

Between the violence in the Middle East, the weird weather, several plane crashes and Ebola coming to the states, this could go down in our collective memories as The Bummer Summer.

People are jittery.

Everyone I know is walking around with at least a mild case of malaise.

As someone who has been labeled an “energy uplifter” by several teachers through the years, (more commonly known as a Pollyanna) I will do my best to remind you that many experts, including Steven Pinker, have the statistics to prove that the world is the least violent and dangerous now, than it has EVER been in recorded history. That seems hard to believe, I know.

“As one becomes aware of the historical decline of violence, the world begins to look different. The past seems less innocent, the present less sinister. One starts to appreciate the small gifts of coexistence that would have seemed utopian to our ancestors: the interracial family playing in the park, the comedian who lands a zinger on the commander in chief, the countries that quietly back away from a crisis instead of escalating to war.

For all the tribulations in our lives, for all the troubles that remain in the world, the decline of violence is an accomplishment that we can savor—and an impetus to cherish the forces of civilization and enlightenment that made it possible.”
—Mr. Pinker is the Harvard College Professor of Psychology at Harvard University. Excerpt from his book, “The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined,” published by Viking.

Let’s all get a grip, shall we? We’re safer than we’ve ever been.
Like the above graphic says, 50 thousand planes landed safely, 7 billion people lived today.

So why is it, you ask, that things in the world feel as if they have gotten worse and we all feel anxious and poopy about it?

I blame the news, whose aim it seems, is to scare the bejeezus out of us between the weather, pop gossip and traffic reports.
If you can step back and gather your wits, it’s almost comical. I’ve laugh snorted coffee out of my nose while watching the first half hour of GMA more in the last three months than I can ever remember. Maybe that’s just me.

This Ebola coverage is crazy. It plays like an SNL parody of those pandemic movies, with the doctors in hazmat suits catching the damn thing SOMEHOW, and then the bright idea of an airplane transporting the Americans back here, to the states to see if we can save them…..
(Cue cheesy music)
I’ve seen the movie, I know how this ends.

Shit.

(The Universe with her wicked sense of humor, has just seen to it that for dramatic effect as I write this, we have just been issued a Flash Flood Warning – in Los Angeles. WTF? Can’t it just rain?)
I received this alert on the TV, radio and that other culprit, the inter web, simultaneously.

The internet also alerted me this morning to the fact that there was a pretty severe earthquake today in China. I have a CNN app that makes sure I know when anything happens – the minute it happens – anywhere In. The. World.
I can be reading or writing on my iPad; feeling Sunday unplugged, and WHAMO, there’s a chime and something awful comes up on the screen to get my attention.

Some things I just don’t want or need to know, but I don’t seem to have a choice anymore.

I don’t know how to disable these alerts without deleting the app, but I’m thinking that’s my next step if I want any piece of mind at all.

I’m advocating a collective dismantling of the fear machine AKA the media in our lives and the quickest way to do that for yourself is to stay as far away from the news as possible….and read real books if you REALLY want to be unplugged.

Plane travel is safe, people are alive and Ebola, well, Ebola is in Atlanta for now.

Ommmmmmmmmmmmmm….

Let’s get our peace of mind and our summer back.

Now who do I talk to about this weather?

Love you more,
Xox

“As you begin to take action toward the fulfillment of your goals and dreams, you must realize that not every action will be perfect. Not every action will produce the desired result. Not every action will work. Making mistakes, getting it almost right, and experimenting to see what happens are all part of the process of eventually getting it right.”
– Jack Canfield

Oh God, here I go again…experimenting, making mistakes, almost getting it right…Crap!

As Monday approaches, which is the day my online business class starts,
I’m getting a stomach ache. Maybe a headache too. Yeah, definitely head ache.

Why you ask? Because of my expectations!
They started off strong, which is par for the course for me.
I devoured all the pre-class curriculum, watched the videos…twice; then I got to the parts I just didn’t understand, and I got frustrated. 
” Go big, or go home!” has often been my battle cry. But that was in the ventures where I knew my shit.
Now, I’m WAYYYYYYYYY out of my league, and I want to go to bed.

That all got me to thinking about expectations. 
I’m expecting everything to be over my head.
I’m expecting that I will not understand analytics, web design, content blah blah, and all that jazz.

I’m expecting to be asked to build a rocket ship from popsicle sticks, some gum and a flashlight.
I don’t understand how televisions work and planes fly. I know it’s something about capturing pixels and aerodynamics, but it’s all just a miracle to me.
So is the internet.
And I’m about to go behind the curtain and see how it all functions.
Then, I’m going to learn how to finagle and manipulate it.
Then I’m going to rule the world! Mwaaaahaaahaa!
Expectations too high?

See? My expectations have run amok. I vacillate between knowing I’m gonna suck, to thinking I’m the next Mark Zuckerberg.
Damn you expectations!
Do you do that too?

I have until Monday to stop being so expectation-ally schizophrenic and get a more realistic grip on them.
Then I need to just be okay being a student.
I can’t be good at all this stuff, because it’s all NEW to me. Some things I’m going to grasp right away, and love them because they make me feel smart.
I expect a great majority of the material will read like Greek to me, and I’m gonna suck.
I’m expecting a lot of tears…Because that’s what I do when I get frustrated.

So stay tuned. This should get interesting, funny and soggy.

This blog will soon become part of a website. I expect it to be…great.
You will all get to witness this transformation in the coming months, and I know you’ll weigh in 🙂
There will be two, maybe three books available. They’ll be compiled from the over 400 blog posts I’ve written so far.
Hey! Email me your preference for the first book, will ya? Atikhome@me.com
1) The poignant posts with a message and the poems.
Or…
2) The more humorous posts.

I know you’ll be honest with me, because…
I expect nothing less.

XoxJanet