“No apology has meaning if we haven’t listened to the hurt party’s anger and pain.”
~ Harriet Lerner
Have you ever been on the receiving end of a half-assed, half-hearted apology?
I have and it feels terrible. You almost wish the apologizer hadn’t opened their mouth at all.
We all know that someone who gets defensive the minute you disagree with what they’re saying.
Suddenly a discussion turns into an argument. They escalate it. They get BIG and they get LOUD.
Especially in public. They want to be right and they want you to drop the subject.
They try to humiliate you into dropping it.
When you get in the car (invariably you came together—you probably even live together), there’s an awkward silence and then maybe this…
“I’m sorry if you feel bad about …”
THAT is NOT an apology.
I’m no saint. I’ve also completely blown an apology. It’s usually so garbled, so difficult to get the words out since I can’t seem to remove my big foot from my mouth.
Take a look at this video. It’s a quick (a whopping minute and a half) snippet of a conversation between the all around awesome Brene Brown and relationship expert Harriet Lerner about how we’re wired for defensiveness.
https://www.facebook.com/SuperSoulSunday/videos/1234564259924425/
Bullet points in case you can’t find less than two minutes in your schedule. (You’re welcome—and shame on you!)
- You’re too busy listening for what you don’t agree with. ( So, then are you really listening?)
- You’re listening for exaggerations. (At our house it’s the two words NEVER and ALWAYS—we decided long ago that those two words are not allowed because nothing in life NEVER happens and ALWAYS happens.)
- You’re listening for the inaccuracies. (Keeping score, debunking percentages used, you know, general jackassery.)
I felt we could all use this little reminder going into the weekend when a couple of glasses of wine mixed with politics at dinner can be a recipe for disaster.
You guys, let’s all pay it forward, let’s learn how to say an authentic “I’m sorry.” The world will be a better place.
Care to share the best apology you’ve ever received?
Carry on
xox
