humor

I have a member of my family that is also a good friend.
I know that is about as rare as a Yeti sighting, but it does happen!

P. (not her real name, but a tantalizing clue) had an extended stay over the holidays and that allowed us to have a long, uninterrupted lunch.
Lots of girl talk, lots of gossip, lots of coffee, all the usual suspects.
Toward the end of lunch, P. (Have you figured it out yet)? did seek my counsel on some issues in her life, and after 2+ cups of coffee and an ice tea! I was circling the earth, so I was that much closer to heaven…and happy to oblige.

You see, I’ve known P. for 100 years…since we were girls.
As adult women, (eh) we’ve had many a late night bitch session over the phone, about crappy boyfriends, and difficult coworkers.

Once, when we were talking at about 12:30am about some schmuck that had stood me up that night, we were interrupted by my call waiting. Remember call waiting?

Anyway, of course it was him, and he was explaining how something had “come up”, but that now he was on the Freeway, and my exit was coming up, and could he “drop by”?
I was full of Cabernet courage, so I let loose with all of the things P. and I had been rehearsing for 2 hours.

How I wanted to be his “destination”, not just a “drop by, bootie call” at 12:30 in the morning. I also said that: “Not only were he and I not on the same page, we weren’t even in the same book”! 
He laughed…I hung up.

Then I switched back over to P. who had waited on the other line.
We howled with laughter at his audacity and the fact that I had actually said: “I want to be your destination”!! Baaahhhaaaa!
Hey…Wait a minute…That’s a great line! 

You can steal it.

Needless to say, THAT’S how close we are.

P. rocks at manifesting great jobs in her chosen profession, which is….( I can’t tell you, I’ll have to kill you).
Relationships…not so much.
This is all going to become relevant at the end, so take notes.

My advice to her, was to wake up and have Gratitude.
Start saying “Thank you” to the Universe, the minute you get up, even if you have to search for something to be grateful for.
Like your pillow,
Naturally curly hair,
Breathing,
A toaster to toast your toast.
Your yoga mat
A hot shower.
You get the picture.

Focus on what’s right with your life, not what’s wrong.

See, what happens is, when you go through your day offering Gratitude,
either things start to change….or you start to not care! Ha!
Plus as an added bonus, the Universe gives you more things to be grateful for.
Gotta love that!

I suggested she try it for a month.

Yesterday she called me beyond excited, she was having the most financially ridiculous couple of weeks she’d ever had at work. Clients were just throwing money at her! Large sums too!
They were easy, uncomplicated sales, which was not the norm.
They weren’t even disputing the shipping charges! WHAT?!
She was feeling both gobsmacked and flabbergasted! (Don’t you just LOVE those words)!
Me too!

Then it occurred to her that the only thing that had changed in her life was the Gratitude exercise, and she had to call me.

One last thing to mention.
When you do this alchemy with the energy of Gratitude, the magic finds the path of least resistance… The carpool lane.
It finds the quickest, easiest path to you.

With P., it’s her work. That’s the place that will always shift for HER first, because it doesn’t feel all pointy to her, like relationships do.

I’m holding out hope that the next call from P. will be from the wedding chapel in 
Vegas!

Can you figure out YOUR path of least resistance?
XoxJanet

There are quite a few people around me who are reuniting with old family or friends. Awww, that’s so nice, right?
The interesting part is, the people that they’re getting reacquainted with are…dead.
Stop it! It’s still nice! And not at all creepy!
On the contrary, for them it’s been like picking up a conversation where it left off.
All warm and cozy and familiar, even though for a couple of them it’s been 25-30 years.

The veil between our two worlds has become very thin and transparent.
My intuition tells me that if you want to reconnect with “Uncle Bob” there’s never been a better time energetically, than now.
There is only one caveat.
If you’re interested in hanging with them, without getting the Grimm Reaper involved, you must match their energy.
This is tricky, but a lot of people are doing it.

Now, the dearly departed have left their bodies behind, and have merged with God, or the Universe, or for this, like the term Pure Positive Energy.
They seemed to have changed, they are the best version of themselves.
They have dropped the ego and are acutely aware of WHO THEY REALLY ARE.
They have BECOME that.
They have graduated, so to speak, and are free to visit the underclassmen.

What I’ve noticed with my friends, is that they have also graduated, in a different way.
They have reached a point where they also realize WHO THEY REALLY ARE,
but they didn’t have to die to get there.
They are leaving behind all judgements and guilt,,and getting into the ZONE.
They are lifting off of fear and worry, doubt and anger.
They are starting to be free and enjoy life.
They are doing that through meditation, or running, or sculpting or gardening, etc, etc.
Whatever floats their boat.
One even gets into the zone driving her car.

So…you’re just cruisin’ along and…Hello!
A visceral conversation ensues with your dad, or sister, or your best friend who passed.
You can actually “feel” their words.

Funny thing is, they were always there, waiting patiently for you to meet them, by remembering WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
They needed common ground.
Don’t worry about how long it took, 5 years is like a minute to them… trust me 🙂

And it’s no coincidence they’re stepping up to speak with you at this time.
Certain loved ones are very dialed in to where you are and what’s going on with you.
They have just the right thing to say, or better yet, a healing you can use right about now.

They can become your own personal angel if you let them.
Need advice, go for a run and ask “Uncle Bob”.
Get your hands in the dirt of your garden and “poof” your dad is there with an answer to a question.
I’m not kidding!
Don’t you just love that?!

Try it!
Sit and remember, you’re not just a soccer mom, or an accountant, or a bad daughter.
You are a spiritual being having a human experience!
Now go! Have a chat with your dead friend!

XoxJanet 

Barn’s burned down,
now I can see the moon.
~Masahide~

Oh I get it!
Don’t worry about the loss of that beautiful, useful, building you’re still paying for,
now you have a view…
Of the moon…on the nights when you’re outside sobbing over your lousy luck and the shit the insurance company’s putting you through.
You can take a second to raise your snot covered face to the sky,
“Oh never-mind, that is so beautiful…now I can see the moon”.

NOT!!

I wish to God Almighty I could always be that enlightened in the face of crisis and chaos!
For instance,

Car got totaled,
now I can get some exercise…
How practical.

Or how about,

Husband left me,
now I can catch up on my reading…
Ommmmm…perfectly Zen.

Don’t get me wrong.
I love the message behind these spiritual sayings, 
and they really do give me pause to do a reality check, 
but honestly!
Who lives like that?!
Maybe on a good day.
It would have to be my best day ever!

I take it as a suggestion of an ending place, a place to aspire to.
Because, if I live under the impression that that’s where I should be immediately, 
it makes me want to cry, or punch somebody!
It may take me awhile to get there, it could take years!

If the proverbial barn burns down, I’m gonna freak out.
I’m gonna get mad.
And sad.
And scared.
Because in the moment, that’s appropriate.

I’m going to use every profanity known to man, 
in every language I can think of.
I’m going to use them often, and loudly.
as verbs and nouns and adjectives.
They will start and end every sentence I speak.
Maybe NOT so appropriate, but amazingly cathartic.

Then, only after the dust has settled, and I’ve had a glass of wine and regained my composure…
THEN…I’ll appreciate the view.

XoxJanet

Man ,woman, doesn’t matter.
One person’s trash is another person’s treasure
And I mean that in the kindest way!

It can run the gamut from the pair of boots that gave you wicked blisters every time you wore them, to old boyfriends.

I was recently gifted some new MAC lipsticks.
Not all of them were colors that looked good on me.
These fifty-five year old chicken lips no longer look good in that blackish-blue
deep purple, but the nineteen year old daughter of a friend lost her mind with joy!
Same with that corpse looking grey nail polish, I kept the dark blue,
and she’s rockin’ the grey.

And you know what??
I didn’t feel one ounce, not one second of guilt or remorse.
It just wasn’t right for ME, so I let it go, and moved on.

Why oh why can’t we do that with jobs, boyfriends, college friends,
bad habits and basically all things that no longer serve us?!
If they add no value, or worse yet, subtract value from our lives…
Like give us blisters…
THEY NEED TO MOVE ON.

But how can they, when we continue our remorseful, guilt ridden strangle hold on their ankles as they try to walk out the door.
We just don’t want to hurt anyone, or feel bad, so we’ll keep wearing the purple lipstick, even though we outgrew it in 1988.

I had a therapist back in the day, that cautioned me,
“You just want to love, Janet, you don’t want to take hostages”
God I love that.  Even all these years later.

When something is finished, let it go you guys!

It’s your ego that thinks they’ll never be able to replace you.
That job, that guy, that old friend from fifteen years ago.
Of course they will.  And the person they find will be so much better for them than you were! Remember? You were done!

Your trash (metaphorically speaking, calm down)…their treasure.

The next person will bless you and the day you put your trash on the curb,
or your boyfriend on the market.
Trust me, I’ve seen it happen over and over.
I’m my husband’s third wife…I rest my case!
XoxJanet

“The only man who behaved sensibly was my tailor; he took my measurement anew every time he saw me, while all the rest went on with their old measurements and expected them to fit me.” 
– George Bernard Shaw

People change.
Especially these days.
I’m certainly not the same person I was a year ago,
and I would hardly recognize myself from five years past.

So it would be the sensible thing to do when greeting someone who you haven’t seen in awhile, to whip out your energetic tape measure, and get their 
new, more recent measurements, because I guarantee you, they’ve changed!

If you’re operating under the assumption that everything about that person has
remained the same…there will be plenty of misunderstandings.
Just as you would not want to be made to fit the same mold you held years or even months ago, the same is true for every person.

Be careful, pay attention, really!
Just as you’re about to make the jokes about the many benefits of single life, like you always do with your friend, the confirmed bachelor, he reveals he was married to the love of this life a month ago!

How about your friend the staunch Republican, with whom you get into many 
a lively debate on social and political issues, telling you she’s volunteering for 
Marianne Williamson’s Congressional campaign!
Well, that was unexpected.

Or that loud obnoxious guy at work who has become thoughtful and introspective.

There is definitely change in the air, big time!
Don’t bring me Sees chocolates anymore.
I know! I used to love them, but I find they just don’t do it for me anymore.
(Thank god)

Don’t measure me by that old yardstick you carry around,
because I won’t measure up, you may be disappointed.

I’m not as serious,
I’m much more understanding,
I like Kale,
I may choose a lemon dessert,
I stay away from wearing prints these days,
I go to the gym, I don’t hike as much,
I’m leaning toward letting my hair go grey/white (shocking! I know)
I might choose the mountains over the beach,
Yet…it’s still me in here.

Ever evolving, changing my mind, open to new things,
and if next year, you’re looking for me in a crowd,
I could be the white haired woman, sipping a green drink,
whose standing right next to you!

How have you changed?

XoxJanet

Gumption

gump·tion
ˈgəmpSHən/
noun informal
1. shrewd or spirited initiative and resourcefulness.
“she had the gumption to put her foot down and head Dan off from those crazy schemes”
synonyms: initiative, resourcefulness, enterprise, ingenuity, imagination

My darling friend told me a story the other night, and with great glee,
she declared that she had displayed “gumption”!

We had watched the movie “The Holiday” together about a week ago.
Come to find out, it’s a Christmas guilty pleasure for both of us.

In the movie, two women switch homes for the holidays in order to escape 
toxic relationships. The woman who travels from England to Los Angeles,
Iris, befriends an elderly screen writer from the golden age of Hollywood.
He advises her to watch several classic 1940’s and 50’s movies,
to witness all the old Hollywood heroines in action. 
“They’ve got gumption” he tells her, 
in a not so thinly veiled attempt to stop her from being such a doormat.
He tells her to become “the leading lady of her own life”.

Gumption is such an old fashioned word.
You don’t hear it used anymore.
It’s an oldie but a goodie.
I like it.

So…my friend tells me her story, where she surprises herself with her…
Gumption!

She is an actress who just recently moved to LA from Canada.
Apparently everything regarding submitting yourself, and getting a part,
is different there. 
EVERYTHING must be done through an agent.

The freedom here in LA has made her absolutely giddy!
That, and all the sunshine.
She is submitting herself for tons of parts…and getting many!
I’m sure it’s her unbridled Canadian enthusiasm, 
which must be as unique as a Unicorn sighting, or real boobs
to these casting agents.

Anyway…
While she was submitting her tape through the usual channels,
she saw the familiar name of a casting agent she had booked a recent job with,
and her PERSONAL email address…
Here’s where the plot thickens.

Her brain did all the self sabotaging back talk that all our brains do.
For chissakes! Don’t send your audition to her PERSONAL email!
She could:
1) get mad ( there goes that contact)!
2) get mad and tell you to loose this email address (yikes)
3) be silent, but never cast you again (very passive aggressively LA)
4) excuse your bad etiquette, but think you’re too pushy (gulp)

But my friend doesn’t want to live that way!
So her exuberance and her gumption prevailed, 
and she hit send…

Not a half hour later, the woman responded so positively, 
it was like something out of a Hollywood movie!
Of course she remembered her!
“you’re perfect for the part,”
“your reading was awesome,”
“I want to see you Friday!”

The moral of this New Year’s tale?
I declare 2014 the year of Orenda, otherwise known as gumption!
Surprise yourself!
Take that leap!

XoxJanet

Happy New Year!
XoxJanet

Well! That’s a relief!
This may be my favorite sentence of all time!
I may have to embroider this on a pillow,
Or have a T-shirt made!
Because for me right now… it’s all about trust.

I can definitely be someone who feels I have to chase my dreams.
I have to make things happen, because if I don’t, the opportunity
may not present itself again!
You snooze, you loose!

EXHAUSTING!

So I loved, loved, loved, this writing from the Kabbalah Centre
yesterday.
It talks about the crazy line up of the planets right now, and how that can make us feel, and also the way that energy can nudge us in the right direction.
Lots of food for thought, and just what I needed for the New Year, besides all the cookies and pie!

So instead of resolutions, let’s set intentions today and tomorrow
to take us into this new energy of 2014.

The first on my list:
TRUST
The Universe is benevolent, it has my back, it is here to help me,
things are always working out for me,
so all I have to do is be still…and listen.
Because…What is mine, will always be mine, no matter what.

What’s on your list?

Here’s an excerpt of the astrology reading, with the link at the bottom.
Happy New Year!
Xox Janet

“So, here’s what to expect this week:
People we haven’t seen for a long time may reemerge for us to correct something that was left unfinished, we may receive a bill by mail from 1914 (I am barely exaggerating!), or a boss we once used to work for may ask us back into his company. Just expect the unexpected! This is our opportunity to correct, fix, or maybe just understand past events… and the good news is, it’s all to our advantage!
The final lesson this week is about fast-forwarding our actions. We are always so afraid that a good opportunity will pass us by that, oftentimes, we make very impulsive choices. This is the week to practice STOP FAST-FORWARDING TO THE END RESULT DECISION MAKING!
Remember what the kabbalists teach: what is mine will always be mine no matter what.
With the help of intuitive Cancer and deep Capricorn, I trust this week will be one of many revelations and great corrections!”

• See more at: http://livingwisdom.kabbalah.com/astrology-forecast-december-29-january-4#sthash.dFMvicpx.dpuf

Seriously, one of the greatest gifts you can give another 
is the gift of being a good listener.
And it really is a gift.

The gift of finishing a train of thought, or story,
or a painful realization…without interruption.

You know those shows on TV where all the women on the panel
talk over each other,
Hate that!

We all do it, we all kind of half listen when someone is talking,
because the other half of our brain is thinking of a clever 
response or a story that applies to what’s being said.
Here’s how it goes:

“We had the best dinner last night, it was at…

“I’ve been to that place too! Isn’t the kale salad to die for,
what about his other place downtown, it’s supposed to be better,
by the way, don’t park anywhere near that place, so and so
got their car broken into, they stole his iPhone, hey speaking of iPhones,
did you do the latest update, mine crashed, I had to take it to the Genius
Bar, and news flash, the guy was super cute, but not a genius, it took a half hour,
so I went next door to Nordstrom’s and looked at shoes”.

Ugh!!

Since it’s a universal truth that everyone just wants to be seen and heard,
I’d like to give the gift of becoming a better listener.

When a friend is talking about an awesome meal they had,
or a trip they just took, or why they think thigh high leather boots
is a look they can pull off,
I’m going to do my damnedest, to keep my mouth shut and listen.

My silence will not imply that I agree with the boot debacle,
because I most certainly DO NOT.

It will be me, listening without interruption, so that they can 
finish a complete thought or story, and come to the conclusion
themselves,
that that ship has sailed…
there will be no thigh high boots in their future.

I hope by my example they will extend me the same courtesy,
keeping their feedback and laughter at bay, until I’m finished.

This could be a hard one,
I’ll let you know how it goes.

XoxJanet

Avatar

av·a·tar
ˈavəˌtär/
noun
1.
HINDUISM
a manifestation of a deity or released soul in bodily form on earth; an incarnate divine teacher.

I met my husband when he was 47 and I was 43.
To say I kissed a lot of frogs along the way is an understatement!
Since he’s French, there’s also a certain irony there.

On paper I looked uber normal.
I had a great job, 
a house,
a relatively “normal” family,
lots of good friends,
And two Siamese cats, Fraidy & Teddy.

But as you all know by now, I had my dark, hidden secret.
I was a closeted seeker.
I was devoutly spiritual.
I did yoga,
I meditated twice a day,
I could have been a monk.
Well, except for the red lipstick and nail polish…oh, and the sex.

Anyway…
I’m pretty sure I blurted it all out on one of our early dates,
after a glass of wine,
half expecting him to excuse himself,
saying he was ” going to the restroom”
only to discover he had made a run for it!
But he didn’t.
It ends up he was a seeker as well, having worked with 
a Peruvian shaman along the way, so I should have seen this coming.

For years I had sought the counsel of a channel,
a friend who had the ability to channel beings of higher wisdom.
So I invited her/them over to “meet” my new husband.
I’m not exactly sure what I expected, but what they did 
was to completely ignore me, 
and practically fall all over themselves,
calling him “Great Avatar”!
Then they explained that I am the “consort” to this great being.

What!??!
Like the Cleopatra to his Marc Anthony?
Nope.
More like the Robin to his Batman.
The Kato to his Green Hornet.
The Heckle to his Jeckle.

Well, not exactly.
He is my teacher.
I am grasshopper.

It just happened for the gazillionth time on Christmas Eve day.

He told me the story that night, on our way to dinner.

He is a typical man in the sense that he waits until 
3pm on the 24th to start his shopping.

So…he’s navigating an overcrowded parking lot,
and he’s hungry.
You get the picture.
He finally sees a car ready to pull out of a space,
so he positions himself, left blinker on,
And waits…and waits…while the person sloooooowy backs out.
Meanwhile, on the other side of them is a little pickup truck
that has the same idea.
My husband sees what’s up, and aggressively blocks the spot with his 
black Porsche, and then pulls in. 
(Don’t judge, just because it’s a Porsche and a pickup truck, just don’t)!
As the pickup truck drives off, he makes eye contact, and flips my husband the middle finger.

That stuff rolls off my husband…he’s French, remember?
But it’s Christmas Eve for cryin out loud!

He walks in to get a quick burger, and realizes while he’s eating,
that middle finger, pickup truck guy is eating with some friends a few tables over.
So he gets out a pen and writes a note on a napkin.
He then attaches $20 and hands it to the waitress to deliver to the guy,
And leaves.

The notes says:
Even though you flipped me the bird,
It’s Christmas Eve.
your lunch is on me.
The black Porsche.

As he glanced back, while walking away, he sees the guy showing the note to his buddies and
looking around the cafe.

He’s my hero.
He’s my teacher
He really is an Avatar. 
It is an honor to be his consort.

XoxJanet