humor

In an interview he did in 2007, Peter O’Toole, that beautiful, blue eyed, scalawag actor, was asked the question, “What do you want written on your tombstone”?

He leaned back and told the story of his beloved tattered leather jacket.
He said it was soaked in sweat, covered in blood, Guinness and cornflakes?!
Which of course made it his favorite.
Eventually it went to the cleaners.
It came back with a note pinned to it, that all these years later still made him chuckle.
It read:

“It distresses us to return work which is not perfect”

That’s was his answer, and I couldn’t agree more!
Because otherwise, what’s the point!?

When I leave this mortal coil, I want to be “distressed.”
I want to show I’ve lived.
That perhaps it wasn’t a pure and “perfect” life, but dammit! It was a life well lived!

Just like his jacket, I want to be worn in, with the wrinkles and scars to prove it.
I want to be covered in sweat, and dog hair, with smeared lipstick and wine stains.
…Maybe even cornflakes!

I want unpaid parking tickets in the pockets.
Along with a motorcycle key and a wad of foreign currency.

I want the leather to smell like a combination of caramel,tobacco, Shalimar, and coffee,
I want it left on the back of a chair in George Clooney’s suite in a Paris Hotel.

I want to remain perfectly imperfect.

Then I want to be “returned to sender, postage due.”

How about you?
Xox

I have a confession wrapped in a question.

Why does December turn into a shopping free for all for me?
As much as I tell myself to reign it in, 
I’m a loose cannon in the stores those 24 days.

I pride myself on frequenting the smaller shops and neighborhood 
boutiques, over the big chains.
Come on! ya gotta give me THAT!!

But I swear, my shopping style is like some twisted retail harvest!
Nothing left behind!
It’s like I give myself permission to cut loose because…
I HAVE to buy presents after all!
Everywhere I go, there’s great stuff…that I want…taunting me.
One for them, two for me. Two for them…more for me!
Right?!

Notice I didn’t say I NEED the stuff.
I’m at least that self aware!
But there’s where it ends.

I have tens of ornaments on the tree and they all hold a memory (sigh).

I also have boxes of them that won’t fit.
Yet, if a shiny one catches my eye while I’m out and about,
like a magpie, I MUST have it!

I blame the carols.
I start playing them the day after Thanksgiving,
and they are like a drug that lulls me into a stupor as I mill about,
Egg nog latte in hand,
finding just the right gifts…and one for myself.
God! How many sequin scarves can one girl have!

During the year I’m a very focused consumer, 
only getting the birthday gift or wedding present I have on my list.
Then December rolls around and…list? What list?
It’s just a “guideline” anyway, right?…because who knew they made a candle
that smells like cucumber, grapefruit, Ponderosa?!
and it s only $60.
Sixty dollars for a candle!! When did that happen??
I would NEVER pay that for something that smells like that that I can’t eat!
Only in December! 

Please tell me I’m not alone…
XoxJanet 

I don’t know if any of you have done a remodel, or any kind of
major construction to your “nest”.

I’m asking because it sucks.

It is nerve racking at best, a relationship buster at worst.
When you witness the demolition, you just can’t IMAGINE
the finished product will materialize from that giant, dusty, dirty mess!
All you can see is what’s in front of you:
A freaking debris pile that looks NOTHING close to what you want!

My husband, being a designer/ builder often talks about that certain point
in the construction phase, where everyone loses their patience and the homeowner’s head explodes!

I experienced that phase first hand during our renovation.
My head did explode.
There should be a support group for that.

After the foundation is laid, things change every day.
It’s especially exciting when the framing happens because your dream starts to take form and you can physically SEE what has only lived as lines on a blueprint.

Then….days and days and days go by, and it seems as if the project has stalled.
Where for weeks you’ve woken up to the sound of nail guns,
now…crickets..

You’re convinced everyone has run to Rio with your money, leaving you living in a popsicle stick house.

What is taking place, is the rough electrical and plumbing, but it’s hidden inside the walls!
It is the nervous system of your home, and is critical to the finished product,
But DAMNIT !! It’s INVISIBLE!

I keep coming back to this memory, this time of reconstruction, to conjure my…FAITH.
I had to maintain my faith then, and I’m doing it now.
Just like back then, there is caution tape,
and a porta potty present, as my life is currently under construction.

Problem is…I can’t see any forward movement.
All the work is happening underneath and inside, and the progress seems
imperceptible from here.

It is critical to the integrity and structure of my dream, I know!
I keep picturing the Universe hard at work behind the scenes,
Kinda like Santa.
And my faith tells me things will eventually show their face in the physical,
just like the remodel did.

And, if I was a betting girl, I’d bet my head will not explode this time.

Stay tuned
XoxJanet

There come times in our lives when things suddenly change.
They go south,
The wheels fall off the cart.

But instead of becoming panicky—use your art of negotiation!

Children are masters at this.
Watch, listen and learn.
They will negotiate everything from bedtime, computer time, to eating kale.

No subject is off-limits.
If they think they can sway the situation to their advantage, high level diplomatic talks begin.

My friend calls her son Henry Kissinger.
In his world EVERYTHING is open for negotiation.
As much as this irks her, she also admires it.
He’s gotten so good, that sometimes she doesn’t realize until later, that he worked her.

No isn’t always no, it’s a very firm maybe.

Why do we lose that skill as adults?
We kinda take things at face value,
Everything’s a done deal.

If done correctly, negotiating things in life could have a ripple effect.
Using our imaginations to offer an eyelash to the tooth fairy,
so to speak, could inspire others to have that same cleverness when
things appear to go wrong, and THAT’S a world I’d like to live in!
Xox Janet

Yikes! Yeah! Wow! Whoa!

I’ve recently been bombarded by the realization that 
I NEED A MENTOR

I’m guessing it’s because I’m at this crossroads in my life,
letting go of what I’ve been used to, my career as a jeweler and antique dealer,
and beginning to get real about devoting more and more time,
Well…basically…my life…to this new endeavor.

Here’s the tricky part.
I have NO idea WHAT that looks like!!
And…do you hear that sound?
That’s the sound of my feet dragging!

Remember me writing about not being good at some things?
Well, this is one of them.
I have NO idea how to go about reinventing myself.
None.
Nada.

So the idea, suggestion, kick in the head from the Universe lately has been
call in an expert, 
Get a Mentor!
Someone who has walked this path, has some guidance to offer,
and will help get my ass going in the right direction.

So….I meditated on that, and low and behold, 
one of my favorite spiritual websites, 
is offering a Mack Daddy mentoring program!

There was an extensive online questionnaire to fill out, 
so that I, the potential mentoree, 
could give them a sense of what I hoped to achieve,
and also to translate the gibberish in my head into the written word.
To say I’m confused is an understatement. 
My brain, where this subject is concerned, should be put into the witness protection program, far away, so as not to cause even MORE trouble.

The perfectly crafted questions where designed to give them a sense of me,
and for me to give them the reasons why I thought I should be considered for their program.
They are picking 9 people out of hundreds, maybe even thousands.

I hesitated a minute before I hit “send” and then the minute I did, I wanted to 
somehow yank it back out of cyber space, feet dragging behind me.

A week or so later was a 15 minute follow up telephone interview.
Where I kinda had fun with the questionnaire, 
I actually got nervous before the phone call.

Because… part of me turned into an eleven year old, and I wanted them to love me.

I wanted to answer all the questions with great wit and charm, say all the right things and be so incredibly engaging that an hour would go by and neither of us would notice because we were laughing at how much we had in common, and what a great addition I’d make to the team, and “oh hell, we don’t need to think about this, you’re in”!

It was the same feeling I had on blind dates when I was younger.
Then I got smart.
I realized that HE had to dazzle ME!
I needed to make sure HE was a good fit.
I could only be me, as authentic as possible,
then I had to pay attention and see what the guy had to offer.

So I approached the interview the same way.
I want a mentor, but it’s going to have to be a good fit.
I’ve already been turned down by one woman and I admire her for that.
She wants me to continue to write and send them to her and she’ll know if it’s right.
I like that!

I know I have a lot to offer, I’m not broken, I just need some direction.
Even while I’m waiting to hear back,
I’m going to continue “dating” potential mentors.
and I Know the right one will show up.

This worked pretty good when I was looking for a husband, 
He “saw” me, 
he “got” me, 
and as much as I wanted to dazzle him, 
he out sparkled me by a mile!
And that’s when I knew it was right.

I’m not good at EVERYTHING!
And I’m trying to be okay with that!

Recently trying to navigate the healthcare system,
searching plans, making sure I’m comparing apples with apples,
I was sure my head was going to explode!

I felt the same way with all details of forming a trust, 
and basically all legalese reads like Pig Latin to me.

As long as I’m at it, I will admit that many functions on my 
computer, and even my phone, are lost on me.
I do NOT belong to the generation that came in MP3 ready.
My typing style is still hunt and peck, 
I text with my forefinger, not my thumbs,
and I use capitols and (get ready for it)
Punctuation!

Here are a few other things I struggle with:

Remembering birthdays, 
I try so hard every year, yet I fail sometimes.
So, happy belated birthday, 
You know who you are.

Directions, 
my husband has a joke, (which he thinks is hilarious, and I never laugh at).
That if I walk out a door and turn right, which I always do with great conviction,
He KNOWS our destination is to the left!

Cooking, 
I’m just adequate. My sister can make even a PB & J a work of art!
The bread is toasted to perfection, the peanut butter is at room temp and perfectly
salted, and the jelly is like nectar of the gods! Ugh…

Small talk, 
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to talk…just not with people I don’t know!
And, I don’t even have being an introvert as an excuse.
I’m an extrovert, so I will walk directly into the center of a room,
and then freeze, with a dumb ass smile on my face,
waiting for someone to come talk to ME!

Talking and driving,
I can talk, or I can drive, I can’t do both well.
If we have an amazingly intimate and insightful conversation, and I’m driving,
we will pass our exit, I can guarantee it.
We will probably end up in Mexico.

Alas, I cannot dance.
Not even a little bit.
I can “move” to the music, but remembering steps and synchronizing with other people?
Definitely a challenge!

What has happened as I’ve gotten older, is that I’ve realized this:

There are things that I excel at. Many of them.
I could make a list of those too…but I won’t now.
Because the REAL issue is embracing the fact that 
those things mentioned above, and there are others,
Are just NEVER going to be in my wheelhouse!

No amount of research, practice or even prayer is going to 
make me better at those things!
And you know what?
That’s what makes ME…ME!
And I’m okay with that!
I even can laugh about it now!

What about you?
What have you made peace with being terrible at?

Xox Janet

“The dangers of life are infinite, and among them is safety.” 
– Goethe 

I hope you’re old enough to remember having an Etch a Sketch.
If not, get off my blog!
Because none of my ancient references will make any sense to you
unless you’re an anthropologist studying the 20th century.
I remember when telephones were attached by wires to the wall,
TV was in black and white,
and there was no Internet! Gasp!

Anyway…an Etch a Sketch is a prehistoric toy, about the size of an iPad.
You turn two knobs at the bottom to “draw” with black lines
and you shake it to erase the screen in order to start over.

I found it profoundly frustrating because it only draws in straight lines and right angles.
At least for me.
I have seen that some people were able to draw the Mona Lisa.
I’m still sure somehow, they cheated.

The analogy I’m trying to make here, is that after many years of turning the knobs
and through a series of straight lines and right angles, I got my little black and white picture just so. Then…

Someone Shook The Etch a Sketch!!!
And my masterpiece is gone, for good!

Actually, it seems someone has shaken the global, maybe even cosmic
Etch a Sketch, and we all get a “do over”!

Now, that feels better to some than others.
We all get really invested in all the time and energy our black and white
masterpieces required of us!
We were able to overcome the frustration at only using straight lines,
and right angles.
We lowered our expectations a bit.
Maybe WE were not the ones that could draw the Mona Lisa, and that was…okay.

But after the shock of the shake ;-). Heehee
I think everyone, myself included, has started to embrace the empty slate.

I for one, am going to take my time.
I’m going to read the instructions for once,
and learn to draw circles, and loopty loops, and set the thing on COLOR!

I doubt I’ll be able to draw a Mona Lisa, but that’s alright,
I want my masterpiece to wear glitter and false eyelashes,
And a real smile!

How about you? What are you going to draw now that you get a “do over”?
XoxJanet

Instead of a problem that needs a solution,
I’m changing my approach.

I now want to summon the Universe to help with 
A question that seeks an answer or
A desire to be fulfilled.
That is how I choose to steer my life!

Because really, doesn’t the Universe just need a break from all the heavy lifting?
It must get SO old always being called at the eleventh hour to put out my fires!
And don’t sit there in your smug and insinuate that I’m the only one!
Ha! You rapscallions!

You must agree that it is long past time to graduate from the status of 
Universal troublemakers, creating problems that propel us to move from point A to point B.

Instead, I’m leaning more toward Universal creator, 
Someone who comes up with a series of juicy “what if’s”? for the Universe to ponder.
The brushstrokes are broader,
There’s still forward movement,
Life’s much more interesting, 
Nixing the drama,
There’s a lot less crash and burn.

The ultimate will be Universal dreamer.
I’ll dial up a desire, and BAM!
Like a genie from the bottle,
The Universe appears!
My wish is their command!

As the process is refining itself, 
So am I.
Fewer nights of worry and woe,
Many more days of yeah!! and whoa!!

Here are just a few of the things I’m grateful for,thankful for and appreciate!

My health 
My hubby (he’s a saint)
I’m at a quandary here, I don’t want to put my beloved dog before 
my husband, or after my family…she IS family, so..
My family (which includes my dog)
My amazing friends
My friend Eva’s inspirational recovery
The fact that I live in Los Angeles California, USA.
The fact that I can write this blog without fear of reprisals or repercussions (except maybe occasional embarrassment)
Chocolate ( I know it’s high on the list, don’t judge)!
Our motorcycle trips
Singing
The smell of Christmas trees
Driftwood
Laughing, love humor, love to laugh
Airplane travel, all travel really
Red nail polish, well…all nail polish
Mascara and lipstick while I’m at it ( still judging)?
Movies ( I love the surround sound and the big screen)
Rainy days
The color blue
Peanut butter (chunky of course)!
Lazy Sunday afternoons reading
My garden (nature in general)
White twinkle lights
The smell in the house on Thanksgiving!

Let me hear some of yours!

Happy Thanksgiving!
XoxJanet