guidance

In any situation, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing.” 
– Theodore Roosevelt

I’m about to rat myself out.
To tell on, or tattle (as my mom used to say).
On myself.

It was definitely NOT my finest moment, but I learned something.

The other day, at my part time job I was asked to do something I consider menial.
I was sitting on the floor sorting papers to be filed (Nope, that’s not the menial part yet, if you can believe it), when I was interrupted by my boss with a request to get up and go run and feed the parking meters.

His car was right in front, the other car was a customer’s which was three blocks away—and across the street.

As I got up and took the credit card, everyone was joking about me going to “play chicken”.
Meaning, running across the busy street, dodging the cars. To feed meters.

First of all,
I’m 55 
I don’t RUN anywhere!

But that little request unleashed pure rage inside me!

I didn’t say a word, but I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone because I would burn their cornea’s with my rage—and I know they all felt it.

It was a beautiful day, so as fun as playing chicken sounded, I took the long way around using the crosswalk and I used that time to become an observer of my reaction.

Because…It felt really, really strong and highly inappropriate.

My job is not exactly toiling in the salt mines and in theory, my boss can ask me to do whatever needs to be done. My mind could rationalize it all away, but inside I was seething.

I just kept repeating to myself: 
“Chop Wood, Carry Water” an old Zen proverb, which means to find fulfillment in everyday tasks.

You’re probably thinking “what a brat” or worse. Well, don’t worry about it—So was I!! 
The list of names I was calling myself could make a sailor blush.
But you feel what you feel and I felt insulted and I HAD to pay attention to that.

Now, here’s where it gets dicey for me:
I’ve either run or owned a store for over 20 years, that is until recently when I lost my own.
I was lucky enough to be offered a part-time job at a friend’s, and I’ve been so grateful to get this work during these hard economic times that I work there for a fraction of what I’m worth, AND instead of being grateful for all of my expertise and years of experience in the field— I’m made to feel as if I’m at the bottom of the pecking order.

After over 25 years in the business, I file papers and I feed parking meters.
Huge, huge humility lesson.

So…I observed all those feelings of 
“Don’t you know who I am”? from the outside and recognized a recent stranger…my EGO.

“Oh…hello old friend, nice of you to come back and visit me,
Long time, no feel”!

Since my life got slam dunked in 2009 my ego has been replaced by my victim-hood.
Ego had skulked away to lick his wounds leaving me a shell of my former confident self.
I would never dream of saying “don’t you know who I am”? When I couldn’t even answer the question myself.

I’ve felt NO sense of worthiness or any feelings of accomplishment.
I’ve been behaving like the sad wad of gum on the bottom of someone’s shoe, or a beaten dog who is so incredibly grateful to be treated like shit.

So, by the end of my feed-the-meter walk, I had calmed down—and gotten reacquainted with my ego.

Ego has gotten a bad rap, 
After all, we all have one.
You don’t want to give it free rein and let it run your life unless you want to end up drunk, with no money in a foreign jail, with bad tattoos and blue hair.
But sometimes…it DOES come in handy.

Like reminding me of WHO I AM.

Just like that uncomfortable little whisper late at night that says “I think I could do better”
when you’re laying next to someone perfectly fine who’s just not a good fit.
That flush of rage was a reminder of the current disconnect. I do NOT want to be here.

So…I told it I was so happy it was back because I’m ready to have it help me stand a little taller, remember what I’m worth, and make help me forge an exit strategy while continuing to be the best Goddamn paper-filer and meter-feeder on the planet.

I have been a spiritual seeker since I was a teenager
I am also a spiritual coward.

Along the way I have attended many classes,
Heard hundreds of lectures,
Studied numerous religions,
Read more books than I can recall and 
Practiced yoga and meditation.

But I did it all covertly.
Like a double agent,
I had two identities.
One was as a 20th century woman in every sense of the word.
The other, a seeker with a ravenous appetite for 
for all things of a spiritual nature.

I have always kept the two things separate, lest
someone think I was one of those “woo woo weirdos”.
I kept the two sets of friends separate,
like I was ashamed of what I was doing,
Very concerned with what people would think of me.

Then I met Diana.
She is living this stuff…and she makes it look GOOD!
I found her as a yoga teacher in 1998 and was hooked on her 
great classes and her laugh, she’s always laughing!

We became good friends, and I watched as she has navigated both worlds with ease and grace.
Something I have not yet had the courage to do.

I use her as my personal template for what I aspire to be.
As I embark on this new path, embracing my inner writer,
and teacher, she has gently guided me from the sidelines,

I say my prayer every morning for courage.
That I will have the courage to one day fill out a form and 
put my occupation as spiritual author and teacher…and own it.
Oh yeah…I want to laugh more easily too!
Just like my beautiful Diana.

*DianaLang.com

I have a dryer with an annoying squeak.
It’s really more of a groan,
like a tiny cello playing soulfully to the socks in dryer limbo.

As the clothes tumble their way to dryness,
this medium pitched whine reminds me that I should call
a repair man…but I never will again.

It has become the “white noise” of my life.
I really hardly notice it anymore,…except when I do,
and then it drives me crazy!
But then I stop and remember.

My husband has tried to fix it,
so has a previous dryer repair guy,
who was there to repair something else.
I had to call his attention to it, as he was running the dryer to see if the other problem was fixed.
“Can you fix that squeak too”? I asked gingerly.
He was grumpy and rushed, and was pretending he couldn’t hear it.
“It’s probably a loose belt” he grumbled, like he was chewing food with his mouth full.

I walked out of the room to leave him to his expert belt-tightening,
Later, I walked down the hall to go check his handiwork and,
Low and behold!! No dryer squeak!
Just silence, which was like
the sound of angels singing…and clothes softly tumbling dry.

All was right with the world.

But I missed the groan,
I missed hearing the tiny cello symphony late at night,
The squeak was familiar,
The whine was comforting,
It was a noisy dryer but it was MY noisy dryer!
I was used to it,
It gave me a warm feeling,
just like the towels inside the dryer.

It soon came back, and I will never silence it again.

We all have some petty annoyances in our lives that are on our
perpetual “to do” list to get rid of, or fix.
There are even some people on that list!
But I’m telling you, they are there to be part of the soundtrack
of our lives.
Like nails on a blackboard some times,
and imperceptible at others.

So ask yourself, would you miss it if it left?
What makes you feel better?
More at home?
Comfy and cozy and familiar?
Silent perfection?
Angels singing?
Or…YOUR own squeaky dryer?

The Universe will never attend your Pity Party.
You can give it the best seat…next to Oprah
and it still won’t show!

Take it from me,
I’ve sent out many an invitation to
God, the Universe, Source energy,
and whatever name I put on the place card …still a no-show!

And you know why??
Here’s why.
It’s not being rude,
It isn’t ignoring you,
It doesn’t have tickets to “Book of Mormon”.
It’s doing you a favor!

That’s right!
The Universe is privy to the bigger picture of our lives.
And It knows This too shall pass.
It doesn’t get down in the trenches with us,
No matter how much we beg,
Or plead our case.
“Come on Universe!!! You know that wasn’t right!!

That’s what best friends are for,
To commiserate with us on bad bosses and
Unfair situations, and men who are scoundrels.

The Universe is like Switzerland, it remains annoyingly neutral.
Because when it does that, it holds our place at the solution.

It waits right there while we bitch and moan,
Feel sorry for ourselves,
Cut our own bangs,
Eat frosting out of the can,
And and drink and dial.

Once the pity party winds down though,
The Universe comes in with the hefty trash bags
And the 409 and helps us clean up.

But you know what I really love…
It never says “I told you so”.

XoxJanet

Good morning God,

Please deliver me 

FROM CHAOS TO CALM
FROM ANGST TO ACTION
FROM UNFOCUSED TO UNSTOPPABLE

Thank you,
And keep up the good work.

This solar eclipse energy is such, that many of us are re visiting situations for balance and final closure.
The “scratch your head” part of this is,
these are situations that are YEARS old.
These felt like that had been “put to bed” a long time ago,
but just like the toddler who appears in the hallway for one more drink of water at bedtime, 
“They’re baaacck”.

These are full circle moments.

One friend had an old boyfriend call the other day after several years,
Another, some old legal matters came up again, and me,
As you may have guessed, mine is dealing with the demise of my store four years ago.
Processing, processing, processing!
Shit!

This energy is about owning your own power
by first un burdening yourself of any secrets,
or unfinished emotional business.
Letting all your freak flags fly and just being authentic.
Telling your story AS IT IS,
Warts and all.

So here goes!
Here’s my full circle circumstance that happened this week.

In 2006 after I had quit my job, but before we had decided on a location for 
the store due to permit problems and delays, 
(which should have been my first sign to run for the hills)!
I got a tooth abscess.
Now I’ll tell you why this is an anomaly.
I’m anal about my teeth! No…that just doesn’t sound right!
But you get the gist.
I floss like I’m trying to start a fire, 
I brush whenever I can, 
I water pick,
Dental cleaning for me take 15 minutes, because plaque wouldn’t DARE
grow on these teeth!
I’m obsessed…maybe because my parents got me braces and I’m just so grateful.

Anyway, it was caused by a condition called resorption,
which is what makes the roots dissolve in baby teeth, so they fall out, 
but its rare in adults.
I had a molar that was convinced I was a six year old.

I had a root canal and a crown and yada, yada, yada.
But the molar next to it , in an act of solidarity for its friend, 
never let the gum between the two, where the abscess had been, close up.
No reason, just to mess with me.

So for the last 7 years I evaded infection, much to everyone’s surprise,
by being even more obsessed with that area,
shooting straight LISTERINE into it
Twice a day with the water pick.

Every checkup, my dentist would poke a sharp instrument in there to try and make it bleed, or just to see me jump, I’m nor sure.
And all was well…until last week.
Last week it became infected, and Thursday 
I had it pulled.
That’s a whole story in itself.
Note to self…get put to sleep next time.

Now, I’m a seeker,
I delve,
I ask questions of the Universe,
So I asked : what the hell is going on with this tooth?
And you know what I got?
“this is a physical manifestation of a full circle moment.”
WHAT!?
“No more indecision”

So I looked up teeth in Louise Hay’s little blue book,
And here’s what it said:

Teeth represent decisions.
Problems with teeth: longstanding indecisiveness. Inability to break down ideas for analysis and decisions.
As teeth are used to pulverize and pound food, teeth problems indicate difficulty pondering new information, ideas or situations. Hence, problems with the teeth indicate fear of making incorrect decisions. Remaining stuck.

And as we all know the last few weeks I’ve been yelling how I’m done with being stuck!!
How I’m striving to be more authentic by sharing my crazy journey in this blog.
So…there you go.

I’m sitting here with an ice pack on my cheek, marveling at 
God and her painful, yet powerful way of getting my attention,
And letting me know…. She heard me!
And I’m done!

Share your full circle moments!

XoxJanet 

How can we ever come to new insights or conclusions about our lives if our existing reality is never challenged?

That would be like only eating at the salad bar because you’ve never walked the whole buffet and seen the dessert cart.

We are creatures of habit,
Scared of any turbulence or bumps in the road.
But can we learn to appreciate, even welcome, the rainy days when we only prefer clear skys?

A certain amount of failure is necessary for success, because it sends us back to the drawing board.
When something’s not working, there is clarity in that realization.
A certain amount of discomfort is good for our souls.
We know we don’t want to do that again!
so it colors all our decisions.
Like Abraham says, who comes through Esther Hicks, 
“When you know what you Don’t want. You know what you DO want”.

I’ve come to this conclusion : 
that all the great gifts that have come to me in my life,
were born out of soul searching that was either precipitated by dissatisfaction
with the status quo, or….
I was dropped kicked by the Universe in the direction of a new life change.

Either way, it felt like shit.

So, Here’s my NEW conclusion:
Big change feels scary,
It feels awkward, and uncomfortable and uncertain.
Change is rude! 
It shows up unannounced, often at the most inopportune times, and tracks it’s dirty feet through your life.
It also does a number on your diet by making you eat raw cookie dough and cereal right out of the box!

So what does this all mean?
We can either hide under the bed,
Or …we can put our arms up, 
throw our heads back,
And scream bloody murder
As we careen toward our brighter future,
On the roller coaster of life,
In full surrender mode,
Knowing the Universe has our back.

Bad things happen to good people.
Horrible, unimaginable, things.

Those experiences can either break us,
Or make us.

Often the first thing to affect us is a profound crisis of faith.
How can we operate in a world where chaos reigns,
Where prayers seemingly go unanswered,
and often, endings aren’t happily ever after.

Failure,adversity,devastation and loss
Kick our butts another rung up the ladder to the divine.
On the way up, we accumulate the experience, compassion and empathy to
Reach out our hand and pull the next person up the ladder.
I often feel like the elephant being pushed up the ladder by the Universe,
Maybe that’s just me…

I believe we CAN rebuild our foundation.
We CAN regain our faith.

It won’t be quick, and it won’t be easy.
We’ll have to dig deep, way below the surface, 
to find who we at our core.
To open the drawer, and find our big girl pants among all those “pull ups.”

Do you have strength?
The strength to conjure tenacity?
Can that tenacity fuel a vision?
and can that vision carry you forward into the grace 
of the Phoenix, reborn from the ashes?

I think you do!! I have hope that all of us have the innate ability to right our own ships. 

Adversity is the direct route to that deep reserve of strength and courage you didn’t even know existed !
Just think about that…
Contentment and happiness do not lead us there,
Playing it safe certainly will not .

Expansion of our spirit does not happen up in an ivory tower.
We have to get down and dirty,
Get into the street fight that life often feels like,
Living as if a richer, broader, more expansive life depended on it!
Because it does!