forgiveness

“If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions, I ask their forgiveness. If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusions, I forgive them. And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive, I forgive myself for that. For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions, I forgive myself.”
~ A Buddhist Prayer of Forgiveness

My darling Diana used this prayer in a meditation the other day
in honor of the current full moon energy.
We get together once a month to pay homage to the energy surrounding each full moon, in hopes it will kick our ass that much less.

We were talking about the inflammatory nature of the word 
Forgiveness

People will get furious and fight for their right to NOT forgive.
I would love to hear the argument for this and how it serves them in their lives.
How is staying mad and resentful working in their favor?

NOTHING is unforgivable
No Thing.
There is always a choice
The choice to stay right..and miserable,
Or the choice to be happy..and free.

Some things FEEL unforgivable, they are so horrible.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses. 
It is accepting and moving on.

“Holding onto Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”
~Buddha~

I have a story that demonstrated this to me so perfectly.
I was once walking with my husband through one of those beautiful,
outdoor malls, when suddenly, I saw someone who had visited torment,
in the form of horrible verbal abuse and hugely expensive, unjustified
legal action on me.
He acts like a MEAN guy.

Immediately my blood ran cold.
I darted around him like an idiot, trying not be be seen, or breath the same air.
He on the other hand, was walking and smiling and having a perfectly lovely time with his wife.
He was fine.
I was miserable.
In my anger, resentment, and ultimately my inability to forgive him or move on,
I was hooked up to an intravenous feed of poison, that was only hurting…
ME. 

I work hard literally EVERY day to forgive this man.
And to forgive myself for attracting someone like that into my life.
The moment I met him I should have turned and run!
And I knew that! 
My bad.

Forgiveness is the scent the violet leaves on the heel that crushes it
– Mark Twain

Think about that statement. That feels so sacred to me.

I’d love to open a discussion on forgiveness.
Forgiving others, and forgiving ourselves.
Let me know your thoughts.

XoxJanet 

In any situation, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing.” 
– Theodore Roosevelt

I’m about to rat myself out.
To tell on, or tattle (as my mom used to say).
On myself.

It was definitely NOT my finest moment, but I learned something.

The other day, at my part time job I was asked to do something I consider menial.
I was sitting on the floor sorting papers to be filed (Nope, that’s not the menial part yet, if you can believe it), when I was interrupted by my boss with a request to get up and go run and feed the parking meters.

His car was right in front, the other car was a customer’s which was three blocks away—and across the street.

As I got up and took the credit card, everyone was joking about me going to “play chicken”.
Meaning, running across the busy street, dodging the cars. To feed meters.

First of all,
I’m 55 
I don’t RUN anywhere!

But that little request unleashed pure rage inside me!

I didn’t say a word, but I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone because I would burn their cornea’s with my rage—and I know they all felt it.

It was a beautiful day, so as fun as playing chicken sounded, I took the long way around using the crosswalk and I used that time to become an observer of my reaction.

Because…It felt really, really strong and highly inappropriate.

My job is not exactly toiling in the salt mines and in theory, my boss can ask me to do whatever needs to be done. My mind could rationalize it all away, but inside I was seething.

I just kept repeating to myself: 
“Chop Wood, Carry Water” an old Zen proverb, which means to find fulfillment in everyday tasks.

You’re probably thinking “what a brat” or worse. Well, don’t worry about it—So was I!! 
The list of names I was calling myself could make a sailor blush.
But you feel what you feel and I felt insulted and I HAD to pay attention to that.

Now, here’s where it gets dicey for me:
I’ve either run or owned a store for over 20 years, that is until recently when I lost my own.
I was lucky enough to be offered a part-time job at a friend’s, and I’ve been so grateful to get this work during these hard economic times that I work there for a fraction of what I’m worth, AND instead of being grateful for all of my expertise and years of experience in the field— I’m made to feel as if I’m at the bottom of the pecking order.

After over 25 years in the business, I file papers and I feed parking meters.
Huge, huge humility lesson.

So…I observed all those feelings of 
“Don’t you know who I am”? from the outside and recognized a recent stranger…my EGO.

“Oh…hello old friend, nice of you to come back and visit me,
Long time, no feel”!

Since my life got slam dunked in 2009 my ego has been replaced by my victim-hood.
Ego had skulked away to lick his wounds leaving me a shell of my former confident self.
I would never dream of saying “don’t you know who I am”? When I couldn’t even answer the question myself.

I’ve felt NO sense of worthiness or any feelings of accomplishment.
I’ve been behaving like the sad wad of gum on the bottom of someone’s shoe, or a beaten dog who is so incredibly grateful to be treated like shit.

So, by the end of my feed-the-meter walk, I had calmed down—and gotten reacquainted with my ego.

Ego has gotten a bad rap, 
After all, we all have one.
You don’t want to give it free rein and let it run your life unless you want to end up drunk, with no money in a foreign jail, with bad tattoos and blue hair.
But sometimes…it DOES come in handy.

Like reminding me of WHO I AM.

Just like that uncomfortable little whisper late at night that says “I think I could do better”
when you’re laying next to someone perfectly fine who’s just not a good fit.
That flush of rage was a reminder of the current disconnect. I do NOT want to be here.

So…I told it I was so happy it was back because I’m ready to have it help me stand a little taller, remember what I’m worth, and make help me forge an exit strategy while continuing to be the best Goddamn paper-filer and meter-feeder on the planet.

The Universe will never attend your Pity Party.
You can give it the best seat…next to Oprah
and it still won’t show!

Take it from me,
I’ve sent out many an invitation to
God, the Universe, Source energy,
and whatever name I put on the place card …still a no-show!

And you know why??
Here’s why.
It’s not being rude,
It isn’t ignoring you,
It doesn’t have tickets to “Book of Mormon”.
It’s doing you a favor!

That’s right!
The Universe is privy to the bigger picture of our lives.
And It knows This too shall pass.
It doesn’t get down in the trenches with us,
No matter how much we beg,
Or plead our case.
“Come on Universe!!! You know that wasn’t right!!

That’s what best friends are for,
To commiserate with us on bad bosses and
Unfair situations, and men who are scoundrels.

The Universe is like Switzerland, it remains annoyingly neutral.
Because when it does that, it holds our place at the solution.

It waits right there while we bitch and moan,
Feel sorry for ourselves,
Cut our own bangs,
Eat frosting out of the can,
And and drink and dial.

Once the pity party winds down though,
The Universe comes in with the hefty trash bags
And the 409 and helps us clean up.

But you know what I really love…
It never says “I told you so”.

XoxJanet

* I got this email from the Universe this morning (www.theuniverse@tut.com)
Feels like an affirmation about the tooth as a sign! Be on the lookout for yours!
Happy Monday!

Pssst… Hey, gorgeous!

Want to know a secret?

Everything in your life is a symbol,

A reflection. A clue. A reminder.

Of what you understand, and of what you don’t, made manifest.

Look to the beauty for truth. And to what hurts, for its beauty.

Your biggest fan,
The Universe

How can we ever come to new insights or conclusions about our lives if our existing reality is never challenged?

That would be like only eating at the salad bar because you’ve never walked the whole buffet and seen the dessert cart.

We are creatures of habit,
Scared of any turbulence or bumps in the road.
But can we learn to appreciate, even welcome, the rainy days when we only prefer clear skys?

A certain amount of failure is necessary for success, because it sends us back to the drawing board.
When something’s not working, there is clarity in that realization.
A certain amount of discomfort is good for our souls.
We know we don’t want to do that again!
so it colors all our decisions.
Like Abraham says, who comes through Esther Hicks, 
“When you know what you Don’t want. You know what you DO want”.

I’ve come to this conclusion : 
that all the great gifts that have come to me in my life,
were born out of soul searching that was either precipitated by dissatisfaction
with the status quo, or….
I was dropped kicked by the Universe in the direction of a new life change.

Either way, it felt like shit.

So, Here’s my NEW conclusion:
Big change feels scary,
It feels awkward, and uncomfortable and uncertain.
Change is rude! 
It shows up unannounced, often at the most inopportune times, and tracks it’s dirty feet through your life.
It also does a number on your diet by making you eat raw cookie dough and cereal right out of the box!

So what does this all mean?
We can either hide under the bed,
Or …we can put our arms up, 
throw our heads back,
And scream bloody murder
As we careen toward our brighter future,
On the roller coaster of life,
In full surrender mode,
Knowing the Universe has our back.

Pol·ly·an·na
ˌpälēˈanə/
noun
1.
an excessively cheerful or optimistic person.

“Hi my name is Janet and I’m a Pollyanna.”
“Hi Janet”
Geez!

I’ve been called that name countless times in my life…
like its a bad thing.
I’ve been that way ever since I can remember.
Always believing that good would prevail, and that
every cloud has a silver lining.

I think when I was in line to come to planet Earth,
I was busy checking my lipstick or goofing around, because I never got the memo
about all the bad shit that could happen here!
I came for the adventure and the fun of it.
Never once did it occur to me that misery and loneliness,
sadness and depression would be part of the equation.

Therefore, when things happen that are terrible, or unjust, 
Or just plain sad, I have to admit…I’m still surprised.
And surprise can lead to disappointment, as I’ve found out.
And disappointment can be the key that let’s all the heartbreak in. 
Because that’s what happens to me, I become heartbroken.

So…what to do? what to do?

How do I integrate these two? 
The beautiful light that happens here.
And its companion, the “darkness”.

It’s continuing to be a process for me.
I was once told that when your light shines brightly
Some Will be attracted…
And some repelled.
I guess I thought that might apply to bad things too.
Maybe I could repel them somehow.
But why would I be different than anybody else?
No one WANTS pain!

But can I learn to reconcile the ups and downs,
The ebb and flow of life?
Can I be just as okay letting sorrow wash over me as joy?
Or will I choke it off, or stop it altogether because it’s just too damn 
Uncomfortable?

Accepting the bad with the good is my holy grail.
What if I didn’t dog-pile all the judgement on top of the unwanted
events that occur?
Maybe if I learn to throw my hands up and surrender to the pain
will help it move through easier.

My brain understands, my heart…not so much.

If this has been your struggle as well, what has worked for you?
Please share!

XoxJanet