failure

What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.
– T. S. Eliot

The End is where we start from…hmmmmmm…

Yesterday was about endings; and about calling my power back. I have to walk the talk, right?

For over two weeks I was so knotted up about it that I had knitted a virtual car cozy, a sweater the size of a car cover inside my gut.

You see, I had decided to put what was left of my dearly departed store into auction; all of it; lock, stock and vintage submarine lights.

Just like Daniele wrote about yesterday, (the timing for me was uncanny) it was time for me to call my power back to me; BUT the hang up was this: at the intersection of empowerment and the past; I kept meeting up with my old energy.

Like some goody-two-shoes a-hole who never forgets an uncomfortable incident; or an appointment; my energy would persistently meet me — right where I left it — back in Victim-Ville 2009.

But since I’ve changed so drastically since that time we were not a match anymore and it really started to feel like shit.

So I avoided going there.

I let the remaining items sit at different stores around the city on consignment, and I paid them NO MIND; because they brought back horrible memories that would instantly knock me out of whack, make me feel bad about myself, and force me to eat Fritos by the fistful.

Every fucking time. That sticky, stinky, shitty, loser energy met me there.

That is a law and the sooner we all realize that, the faster we can shift it.

Here’s how it works:
If you had a fight in a restaurant, the next time you go back there, the minute you give your car to the valet you’ll feel that gut-punch; because your energy is the guy that opens the door and greets you there “Welcome back, we’ve been waiting here for you .”

Shit.

How many times have you had a bad experience with the place that services your car, or the dry cleaners; only to have it repeat itself over and over?

I remember when I went to auditions back in the day; there was a big casting agent on Sunset who was nice as can be, but I NEVER booked a job there. After a while, my disappointment would meet me at the door with its Cheshire grin, making sure the casting session was doomed.

So if you meet your energy where you left it— how can you change that?

First, by being aware of it, recognizing that it’s your low expectations, your disappointment, or your painful past that is causing the gut-knot.

Also, time has passed and things have changed. You’ve changed. Right?

When you do that, you can rewrite the story, and while you’re at it you can make sure it’s a much better one. It’s the story of how you called your power back; how inanimate objects, buildings and even people have no power over you — and that you’ve moved on and left no forwarding address.

It’s easier said than done, it took weeks, but that’s what worked for me you guys.

I had a real Come to Jesus with myself (I’ve been doing that a lot lately) where I told myself that inertia was no longer acceptable. Neither was settling, acting like a victim, or being broke.

For Godsakes woman it’s been five years, the statute of limitations on powerless victimhood has expired! Round up all that stuff, take all your old juju off of it by remembering how good and exciting it was to purchase it in the first place, and SELL IT! Go call your power back to you and then be done with it!

Even though I seldom take my own advice, I woke up yesterday, the day everything was getting picked up, with no knot. For once…and for all.

The day could not have gone any better. It went faster, smoother and was more organized than I’d ever imagined. Obviously, my loser energy had flown to Vegas to cause some real trouble.

As I drove away feeling newly empowered, reborn, like a Phoenix from the ashes, it made me remember all the times that the energy that met me — was good. It does work both ways ya know.

So I’ve re-written that story, the story of the store and the flood, and in the new version the auction results five years later — are AMAZING!

So the end is where I’ll be starting from — a new beginning,  a fresh start.

Where does your shitty energy never fail to meet you? How can you re-write your story and regain your power? Do you believe you need an ending to have a beginning?

Lets talk.

Carry on,

xox

Hi you guys,
This is a subject I struggle with A LOT.

I’m tenacious to a fault, and some of my greasy (I wrote greatest but auto correct changed it to greasy and who am I to challenge auto correct? Truth be told — they were greasy!) Mistakes happened when I didn’t know when to throw in the towel — cut my losses.

Other people fold the minute things get tough. Wait, what am I sayin’ I’ve wanted to do that too!

I love me some Marie Forleo. I want to be her when I grow up and I love this graphic by Deborah LeFrank, cause I’m visual, I love seeing Marie’s insights all written out.

The ten-year test is genius.

Asking for guidance…learning curve.
..listening when it’s offered…pricless.

Quitters DO win…game changer!

So, is this something you battle with as well?

Which one are you? Do you get dragged or do you let go too soon?

Or both – like me?

Do you have any stories, what did you learn?

Carry on,
Xox

Hello my peeps,
I gotta tell ya, I love this recent blog post from Daniele LaPort.
I’m sure you all know how much this resonates with me, being that after five years we’re still paying off the Atik debt,(my business that failed/flooded) and I just can’t hear this enough, and I know I’m not alone.

Take it away Daniele!

“When my first company tanked, I was on the hook for about $150,000. Before I got slammed with that fact, my CEO, who I hired to run the company, thought it best to fire my Founder’s ass. Shortly after they canned me, the whole business fell apart — because you can’t have a personality-driven business without um, the founding personality there. And because, bad karma.

Anywaaaay, I got to sit back and watch them tank without me. Which was only slightly satisfying. Mostly it was sad and crushing. When the castle crumbled, the bank called me for its money. And because I’d co-signed the loan as a “person” and not as a co-founder of the business — I had to pay up, even though I’d been fired months before.

3) I knew that if I actively resented and bitched about those monthly payments, that it would distract me from my own creations. Also, the anger about the whole situation was heavy-duty. And I was done carrying it. So I re-framed paying the debt into a reason to be grateful. Every time that money came out of my bank account I said, “I’m grateful that I have the money to pay this.” And I was. And I let THAT be the lead story.
And then… magically (but not instantly,) on the VERY same day that I FINALLY made my very LAST monthly payment on that bad debt, my company tipped its first million dollar mark — and I did the happy karma moonwalk. Oh ya, oh ya…”

Me love this BIG time! Me use bad grammar. Me need coffee.

Happy Sunday – because NOW you are Fail-Proof!

7. YOU DON’T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT HAPPENS IN YOUR LIFE

Yeah, fuck people like that.”

To read the rest:

http://markmanson.net/why-you-fail

xox

INTENTIONAL
in·ten·tion·al
inˈtenCHənl/
adjective
1. done on purpose; 
synonyms: deliberate, calculated, conscious, intended, planned, meant, studied, knowing, willful, purposeful, purposive, done on purpose, premeditated, preplanned, preconceived

I’m not someone that does year end resolutions.

As a matter of fact I haven’t met a resolution I didn’t obliterate. If they lasted past January (which they didn’t), but if they did, they would be sure to crash and burn before making into the first week of February.

You know who you are expensive gym membership, French lessons, books taunting me on the nightstand.
I’m just not that girl.
Kinda like giving things up for Lent. I sucked at that too.

What I do like to do, and believe in doing; is to set an intention for the New Year. That I can do.

I meditate the day before and again on the morning of the first – with purpose.

You can just sit quietly in your favorite chair in your jammies and cosy socks, with your eyes closed, that’ll do just fine.
Then pick a feeling you want to feel. Can’t think of one?

Imagine an obstacle or problem – solved.
How would that feel? Like relief? Freedom? Joy? 

Imagine that stubborn project completed. Pride? Relaxed? Accomplished? Feel that?

Imagine your knee or shoulder or back, free of pain. How do you feel? Strong? Healthy? Vital?

Pick an emotion and marinate in it while you sit and breath. Pull it with you into 2015. Call it forward. Be deliberate. Do it on purpose.

If your mind strays (and it will) dive back in and marinate some more.

As you marinate it will tenderize you, I promise.

If you can stay in it for five minutes, congratulations! If you can do more, you’re a super star!

Be intentional for 2015.
If you believe that we create our reality (like I do), you don’t have to imagine the specifics of the events of the year – just hold the feeling.

I’m going for satisfaction. It is my Holy Grail. I can admit that I am almost never, truly and deeply satisfied. I could do/be better. There is always more that could be written/said/done.

That will be my intention this year, to feel satisfied.

How do you want to feel in 2015? Would you want to share?

Loving you into the New Year,
Xox

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http://youtu.be/_waBFUg_oT8

Elizabeth Gilbert.

I love her. I devour anything she writes.

Her advise to help us navigate failure and success? You do the same thing for both. WHAT!?
Watch. It’s only 7 mins.
It applies to anyone….about any endeavor.
But now, as a writer, this has a whole new meaning for me.

Xox

Dearest, Darling Failure,

Do you mind if I call you by that name?

I realize it’s much more politically correct to refer to you as re-direction, contrast, un-met goals, course correction,
blah, blah,blah.

I admit, you do possess ALL of those more soul soothing attributes; but let’s be honest here, let’s call a spade, a spade.

You are greatly under-appreciated but let me be clear — No One wants you around!

When shit hits the fan, when careers crash and burn, when marriages end, when we get fired, sued, or otherwise fucked over, when things in our lives fracture and give way under stress, it’s YOUR face we all see at the scene of the crime.

In any case; I’ve come to know you well over the past few years and – well – I’ve fallen for you….
Hard.

I don’t mean to sugar coat things, but you came into my life with the face of my foe; and you have become my friend.

You shook things up for me BIG TIME.
You took my tiny Etch A Sketch of a life, with all of it’s perfectly drawn straight lines, and you hurled it into an F-five tornado.

But I love you for that, ya big lug.

Just uttering your name, failure, can definitely set a negative tone and cause anxiety; please don’t take it personally, we just don’t want you in our lives and when you do show up – we’re afraid you’ll never leave.

But truth be told, you are just as fleeting as success, THAT you’ve taught me.

When you are standing next to me knee-deep in the rubble of my life, you know what I do the next day?
I get up and put one foot in front of the other, each step moving me forward.

You know what I do the days success holds my hand?
I get up, put one foot in front of the other and move forward with my life.

Success has its value don’t get me wrong, but you, failure, your lessons have marked me deeply and profoundly, and I love you for that.

Success never caused me to grow, gave me depth or made me an internally richer person. 

But by God, you have failure.

Success made me lazy, afraid to try new things and take chances.

You gave me a glimpse of my true nature. You have delivered to me some of my most agonizing moments, but they have transformed me.
You made me better. Better in business, better in life. A better friend, sister and wife.

Damn it, I love you man.

We all go to extraordinary lengths to avoid you, I know I did, but I realize now that was a mistake.
It’s like trying to avoid aging, which is a similar double-edged sword, and just as futile.
There are as many benefits to be gained from failure as there are from growing old, and BOTH are a privilege.

I truly love you failure
If you had not come into my life when you did, I would not be the person I am today.

Big hug and a sloppy kiss,

We’ve all failed at something, What have you learned from your failure?
Do you agree that it’s made you a better person? All the action happens in the comments below, don’t be shy, your feedback could help someone.

Xox

“As you begin to take action toward the fulfillment of your goals and dreams, you must realize that not every action will be perfect. Not every action will produce the desired result. Not every action will work. Making mistakes, getting it almost right, and experimenting to see what happens are all part of the process of eventually getting it right.”
– Jack Canfield

Nevertheless, I am willing; has become my mantra these days.
I’m going to have it embroidered on a pillow, get it tattoo’d and have a t-shirt made.
All to remind me that no matter what happens…I signed up for this.

Eventually a girl’s gotta hunker down, keep calm and carry on.

Eager=willing
Free=willing
Eyes wide open=willing
Open heart=willing
Vulnerable=willing
Trust=willing
Ready to succeed or fail=willing
Belief=willing
Writing every day=willing
Putting yourself out there=willing
Telling the truth= willing
Being accountable=willing
Love=willing
Surrender=willing

There are obstacles that can and will surface and that’s where Nevertheless comes in.

Things may be tough, nevertheless.
People may not believe in me, nevertheless.
There will be haters, nevertheless.
I may stumble, nevertheless.
There will be mistakes, even failures, nevertheless.
There may be debilitating doubt, nevertheless. 
These obstacles are surmountable because
I. AM. WILLING.

It makes me feel like a warrior on the battlefield,
I AM WILLING my battle cry.
I’m invincible.
I’m freakin’ Braveheart, with half my face painted blue!

Nevertheless, I am willing.
I love it so much, I think I may sky write it as well.
Look for it!

XoxJanet

I’m not good at EVERYTHING!
And I’m trying to be okay with that!

Recently trying to navigate the healthcare system,
searching plans, making sure I’m comparing apples with apples,
I was sure my head was going to explode!

I felt the same way with all details of forming a trust, 
and basically all legalese reads like Pig Latin to me.

As long as I’m at it, I will admit that many functions on my 
computer, and even my phone, are lost on me.
I do NOT belong to the generation that came in MP3 ready.
My typing style is still hunt and peck, 
I text with my forefinger, not my thumbs,
and I use capitols and (get ready for it)
Punctuation!

Here are a few other things I struggle with:

Remembering birthdays, 
I try so hard every year, yet I fail sometimes.
So, happy belated birthday, 
You know who you are.

Directions, 
my husband has a joke, (which he thinks is hilarious, and I never laugh at).
That if I walk out a door and turn right, which I always do with great conviction,
He KNOWS our destination is to the left!

Cooking, 
I’m just adequate. My sister can make even a PB & J a work of art!
The bread is toasted to perfection, the peanut butter is at room temp and perfectly
salted, and the jelly is like nectar of the gods! Ugh…

Small talk, 
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to talk…just not with people I don’t know!
And, I don’t even have being an introvert as an excuse.
I’m an extrovert, so I will walk directly into the center of a room,
and then freeze, with a dumb ass smile on my face,
waiting for someone to come talk to ME!

Talking and driving,
I can talk, or I can drive, I can’t do both well.
If we have an amazingly intimate and insightful conversation, and I’m driving,
we will pass our exit, I can guarantee it.
We will probably end up in Mexico.

Alas, I cannot dance.
Not even a little bit.
I can “move” to the music, but remembering steps and synchronizing with other people?
Definitely a challenge!

What has happened as I’ve gotten older, is that I’ve realized this:

There are things that I excel at. Many of them.
I could make a list of those too…but I won’t now.
Because the REAL issue is embracing the fact that 
those things mentioned above, and there are others,
Are just NEVER going to be in my wheelhouse!

No amount of research, practice or even prayer is going to 
make me better at those things!
And you know what?
That’s what makes ME…ME!
And I’m okay with that!
I even can laugh about it now!

What about you?
What have you made peace with being terrible at?

Xox Janet

Standing and staring at my naked reflection in the mirror, 
under bad fluorescent lights, in the Nordstrom’s dressing room,
A pile of Spanx at my feet…that’s vulnerability!
Even though I’m the only one in the room, hell!
Who am I kidding!
I’m tougher than a thousand Simon Cowells!
But everyone can relate to that…right?

Oh! What about singing alone on stage?
Is that vulnerable enough?
Under the unforgiving gaze of a spotlight on a pitch black stage.
I’m positive everyone in the front row can see my lips trembling…
Deeeeep breath…can they smell my flop sweat?

When spring had sprung back in 2010 and I realized, shit! 
Who am I now that I don’t have a job, let alone a career?
Life was all black and white to me, it was drained of all color.
I fell into a funk. It was deeper than a funk actually,
It was a dark swirling edie of despair.

During that long summer, I would sit at the computer in my pajamas at two in the afternoon,
(Something I NEVER do unless I’m ridiculously ill, in which case I don’t troll the computer, I watch I LOVE LUCY reruns)
And I would search the World Wide Web for something to make me happy.

I’d spend hours watching silly cat videos, and babies laughing at tearing paper.
What brings me joy? I would ask myself.
Myself thought the question was rhetorical, 
so it just kept putting different searches into Google.
What makes me happy, besides what I’ve done all these years?
Who AM I without that?

Singing used to make me happy, I thought one day, 
remembering the ancient history of that time long, long ago, before I turned 30.

MUSICAL THEATRE ADULT WORKSHOP

I had sung and done theatre from the age of about 7 until I turned 30.
That was the day I became a grown up.
Better said, it was the day I realized I wanted to live above the poverty level.
I wanted to have more than $50 in my my bank account!
I wanted to see the world!
And I also realized that if I worked as long and hard at something else,
Anything else, I could be a success!
And I did,
and I was.

So cut to: 
20ish years later, 
no store,
No career,
Epic debt,
What’s a girl to do??
I decide to sing again.
Cause THAT’S what people in dark swirling eddies of despair do!
They make GREAT decisions…and,
They break into song!

I hadn’t sung a note since quitting all those years ago,
My husband, having met me in my 40’s, didn’t even know that side of me.
But the fear that came up when I thought of getting back on stage,
was different than the fear I had been experiencing around the loss of the store.
It felt familiar, like an old friend somehow.
And the pounding of my heart and the stage fright,
they made me feel ALIVE again!

So I hit SEND on the application, and left it up to the Universe.

Six months later, as a Christmas present, I got an email back!
They were doing CHICAGO, and was I still interested?
Hell NO! CHICAGO!!! Really!?
I can’t dance! And I haven’t sung since Jesus was a boy!
And those skimpy little costumes!!
NO WAY!
FORGET IT Universe! Nice try!
I just want to ease back in, not dive off the deep end!

Above is a picture my talented sister took during the show.
That’s me in the middle,
I’m Velma.
So…you’re starting to get me now huh?
I can’t do anything half way.
When I jump…I jump!
See that woman?
No more black and white!
Back to a Technicolor life!
That’s a picture of Janet, “gettin’ her groove back”!!

XoxJanet