face

The other day my sweet, seventeen year old daughter/friend was relaying yet another episode of the teen-angst drama that is her life.

“Nobody likes me when they first meet me” she said over a ridiculously expensive order of avocado toast (when did that become a thing?) and eggs. Before I could inquire as to why that was the case, she laid it all out for me; and you know what? The more things change the more they stay the same, only these days—they just have better names.

“They say I have an epic resting bitch face. I’m notorious for it.” I could sense her pride.

I stole a piece of her avocado deliciousness and feigned ignorance in order to maintain my highly coveted, second-mom status. “What? What are you talking about? Your face is stuck in a constant state of adorableness.”

But I knew what they were talking about. I’d seen it in candid photos of her. Her resting bitch face could stop a train.

She is a shy girl; extremely smart with a highly defined bullshit detector (which I’d like the credit for teaching her), but when she’s unaware you’re looking; her face says: Keep moving, there’s nothing here for you. You’re boring. Life is boring. Why are you still here?

It keeps away the riffraff.

It’s not just women, my husband has a resting bitch face that he has crafted and honed over many decades. It says: Don’t bother me you stupid person—unless you have a dog, then it can come sit next to me. He has a cleft between his eyebrows that could hold a quarter. He looks like an assassin—until he smiles—then his whole face lights up and gives him away.

Because I know those two as well as I do, I think the sensitive ones among us have the most murderous resting bitch faces.

It’s like the moat around the castle. It takes effort to get in. If you get scared away—so be it. You lose.

One night while sitting around gabbing, a couple of my friends were surprised when the conversation turned to their resting bitch faces. One was absolutely crest-fallen. She had no idea she even had one. But it explained why no one would come and talk to her at social gatherings which had bothered her for years. “I looked over and saw you driving once—honey, your resting bitch face is terrifying!” our other friend divulged with an appalling lack of tact, after too much Sangria.

“Fuck you, I’m a nice person, besides, nobody’s face looks happy all the time” she huffed, not wanting to hear it.

I attempted to smooth things over.

“It’s a form of social anxiety. I don’t think we’re aware of what our faces say when we’re not trying. Kinda like tone of voice. Some people just have a dismissive tone of voice (my husband’s second line of defense, the alligators in the moat). They don’t mean to. They can’t hear it. It’s the same for their face. They don’t mean to be a bitch face—they just can’t see what other people see. I’ve been told I have one that could freeze fire”

“Damn, I was scared of you until I got to know you”, people used to say to me when I was younger—only I was a bitch—and my face was like that all the time so…

Seriously though, I became aware of my own resting bitch face back in the nineties; the decade where I unwittingly scared ALL men and most animals and small children.
One day as I was rushing through the madness that is the DMV, (which is impossible, I just told myself that to maintain my sanity), as I was herded like the rest of the cattle to stand on the line to have my picture taken, the lovely, overworked and highly under appreciated woman snapped it while I was unaware; waiting for her to look up and say cheese or whatever. I heard a click and took that as my cue to smile my big red-lipstick smile.

A couple of weeks later when I received my license in the mail, there she was staring back at me, that holy terror—my resting bitch face—caught two seconds before the smile.

Yikes! Who was that girl?
She didn’t look warm or approachable.
She looked like she’d jump onto your shoulders and snap your neck with her thighs just for the fun of it.
Maaaaaaybe I could see what people meant when they called me intimidating;
Perhaps that’s why I couldn’t get a date to save my life?

I took notice. Now I paid attention to the feedback I received about my castle/moat energy and I tried to soften the fuck up. It took years. Resting bitch face still creeps in occasionally if I’m tired or around people I don’t know.

Work in progress you guys.

Listen, do you have a resting bitch face or is it your tone of voice? What is your moat?

Carry on bitches!
xox

Faces always talk too much. One line and all their plans are revealed.”
― Floriano Martins

When I look at this face of mine, it appears hopeful, tired, lovely and worn — all at once.
Like my puppy gazing into a mirrored surface, I tend to get skittish and look past it.

I often don’t recognize it as my own.

I’ve been attempting an exercise that Louise Hay wrote about recently.
Oh….that rascal—that pusher of buttons.

It has been darting in and out of my experience for a while, like children playing tag.  I’d hear or read about it and I would think: oh, I’ll have to try that.

Then day turns to night, weeks to months, years pass and my life cycles around in that magical way, weaving in and out of different jobs, friends, laughter and tears, and….Here it is again.

TAG. YOUR’E IT.

This time when I read it, I immediately walked into the bathroom and stood before the large mirror that hangs over my sink. No waffling, getting distracted or waiting for a better time.
Luckily I was at home.
That sort of determined resolve could have become uncomfortably embarrassing had I marched into a public restroom at a swanky bistro; or taken a dangerous turn if I had been compelled to stare into my car’s rearview mirror.

So there I stood, on my tiptoes.

My husband is 6’3″ and he built our bathroom to accommodate his height.
I get it.
In most mirrors he can only get a gander of some of his chin and neck. Extremely annoying, SO not helpful, and at our age your neck can be demoralizing.

I am 5’4″ on a day that gravity and my self-esteem are being kind enough to let me hit that mark. So unless I’m on my tiptoes, which, after ten years at that sink, like a ballerina on point, has become my natural stance, I see only my eyes and forehead.

We really are a circus freak show of a couple.

Standing together, side by side, I fit neatly right under his armpit.
He is Paul Bunyan.
I am wee.

Sorry, I digress.

Okay…

Here is the exercise: you stand at a mirror, gazing deeply into your own eyes.

I know. I can feel your resistance. I recognize it because I felt it for years.

Get back to the mirror!
Don’t look away, which will be your first natural reaction because our mothers taught us not to stare.
For women, this is like putting a blank canvas in front of us, we want to get to work.
Just as we’ve done every morning since the first day we were allowed to wear make up, we pluck, shuck, spackle and rouge.

Don’t. Put down the mascara. And those tweezers. Stare only into your eyes.

Now repeat three times: I love you, I love you, I love you.
Without laughing.

I broke into a huge smile and burst into a giant belly laugh during my first attempt.
I’m not sure why.
It just felt like Ashton Kutcher was going to come peeking around the corner with a camera crew and deliver the horrific news that I’d just been “punked”.

But let me tell you what has happened instead. Over the last several weeks I’ve been brought to tears, watched my face morph in front of me, felt gratitude and finally love.

I’m falling in love with my own face The same, unaltered one I’ve worn for fifty-seven years.

In love with each line and imperfection of which I am exceedingly familiar. Tiny scars, thinning lips, the flecks of green, blue and brown that inhabit my irises.

The biggest surprise has been the way those eyes are starting to look back at me.

Full of pain and joy, empathy and understanding.
I’m becoming acquainted with what inhabits the space behind those eyes, to something deeper still.
The observer — my soul.

I suggest you give it a try, but like with me, if it takes a few years, your soul will understand, it’ll wait. It’s not going anywhere.

I love when you talk to me, tell me how this goes. Try it for a couple of weeks and write your results in the comments below.
When you share you really help other people.

Sending love,
Xox