class

When Insults Had Class

 

Sadly, we have arrived at a time where insults are a dime a dozen. We have an Insulter-In-Chief who tweets out numerous insults a day. They revolve around demeaning nicknames, verbal bullying, and other 7th grade tactics.
I miss the days of elevated insults.
The kind that were so intelligent as to be mistaken for a compliment. And if delivered with an English accent—so much the better. I hope these make you laugh.
Carry on,
xox.

 Here are some glorious insults are from an era “before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
A member of Parliament to Disraeli:“Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir, “ said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy .”
-Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
-Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
-Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
-Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
-Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.”
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
-Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
-Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
-John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
-Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
-Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
– Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
-Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
-Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
-Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
-Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
-Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.”
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
-Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.”
-Groucho Marx


An Open Letter to Our First Female President of the United States

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Hi you guys,
Below is my latest Huffington Post. You see, after the election,once I stopped reeling, after I gave up on politics and put away the raw cookie dough, I decided to write to the girl/woman who will most certainly become our first female president.
Carry on,
xox

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/janet-bertolus/an-open-letter-to-the-fir_b_12903170.html


Dear Future Madame President,

I find great solace in knowing you are out there.

Selfishly, for the sake of my eighty-year-old mother who was emotionally invested in this past election for reasons that are obvious, I hope this finds you occupying a seat in a college classroom, a non-profit, the senate, or some other adult occupation at which you excel–and not a bouncy seat at a pre-school.

If you’re currently a millennial well, I suppose that’s okay seeing that makes you tech savvy enough to never get yourself caught up in any kind of email kerfuffle.

By the way, watch those selfies and delete your Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat accounts–they may come to haunt you.

That being said, a long and arduous path was cleared for you this year with the nomination of a woman by a major political party, so you can cross that milestone off your list. But don’t worry, many more lay ahead.

It will be my great honor to call you Madame President. You are clearly a badass and I am humbled after witnessing the journey it took to get you here.

Just know, you have some pretty big heels to fill young lady. My wish is that you have the intellect of Hillary, the sass of Elizabeth Warren and the authenticity and oratory chops of Michelle Obama. I know this is a tall order but I think you’re up to the task.

A few more things: Be unapologetically smart. Go ahead. We can take it.

But practice humility and for god sakes learn how to say “I f*ed up, I’m sorry, I was wrong.” It forgives a myriad of sins and is even more rare than hearing the truth in Washington.

Please. Remain a student of history so you can learn from our mistakes.

We got so close this year and the loss still stings. Maybe we were overconfident. Maybe it just wasn’t the right woman. Maybe we underestimated the level of misogyny in our country. Perhaps we dropped the ball… Bigly.

You will bridge the divide. Without being perceived as harpy, bitchy or scary. YOU will be the “better angel of our nature.”

Most importantly, what history and the next four years will come to show is that you can’t keep women down. Numerous indignities have been heaped upon us over time and what did we do?

We got stronger. And we came back. With a vengeance.

Madame President, I trust you have had enough setbacks in your life to smooth out any rough edges–but not enough to put out the fire in your belly.

In closing, I wish you the winning trifecta of wisdom, intellect and wit–and the confidence to display them all in equal measure.

Most of all, and I’m sure I speak for women all over our great nation–I wish you grace.

May grace be your superpower and your co-pilot as you take on the Herculean task of being the most powerful woman on Earth.

Rest assured you have my unapologetic admiration and support until the day we finally meet.

With great anticipation,
J.B.

Hi, I’m Janet

Mentor. Pirate. Dropper of F-bombs.

This is where I write about my version of life. My stories. Told in my own words.

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