awareness

I owned a business.
It was several years ago now.

I left a good job that I had been at for close to 20 yrs.
I put all my proverbial eggs in that one basket.
My money, my creative juices, my blood sweat and tears.

I was excited at the prospect of being my own boss,
Of displaying my wild ideas for all the world to see,
using the skills I had acquired throughout my life.

I felt vulnerable, really vulnerable for the first time in my life.
I was putting myself out there on the big stage, with no excuses.
This was going to be a reflection of me, everything I loved, 
Cared about, and thought was cool.

This was it!
I was 50 and this was the beginning of my beautiful “second act”.

The first year was awesome!
It was tons of hard work with no days off, but I was okay with that.
This was my baby.
It needed me to nurture it, to make it my only focus,
And all was well.

The following year was 2008.
Things got dicey.
There was a feeling of dread in the air, like everyone was silently
waiting for the shoe to drop, holding their breath.
Money slowed waaaaaay down.

Then it was 2009 and the entire closet of shoes dropped.
It was loud!
The bottom seemed to fall out of everything.
People were scared. 
I’d never seen anything like it in all my years in retail.

Everything that was creative and wonderful and fun was gone.
Replaced by unpaid bills, days of not a single customer,
and sleepless nights with me wondering how I got myself into this!
How had I taken such an abundant, wonderful life and created 
This perfect sh* t storm !?

Then in September of that year God took pity on me,
She heard my prayers.
But God has a wicked sense of humor, and a flair for the dramatic.
She sent a flood.
A random, urban flood to sneak up in the middle of the night and wipe out my store.
I’m serious.
The fireman at the scene told me he had never seen water make a hard right turn.
But it did, and it all collected around and inside my sweet little store.
The one that was trying so hard, but just couldn’t stay afloat ( sorry for the pun).

This is the first time I asked myself the question:
Epic fail? Or epic win?
What do you think so far?

Xox Janet
(To be continued)…

This very thought has been a life preserver in a sea of dread that tries to drown me in the middle of the night.
I have the choice to either believe that my best days are behind me, which can let all the air out of my life, or… to anticipate many wonderful days ahead.
Which do you choose?

XoxJanet

I was lucky enough to be present at the announcement today , that Marianne Williamson is running for the US Congress!! But to get us in the right mood, Alanis Morrisette started things off with a couple of songs, all acoustic. I hadn’t heard this song in a long time and the words really resonated. My friends and I cried thru the whole thing!!
Xox Janet

How ’bout getting off these antibiotics
How ’bout stopping eating when I’m full up
How ’bout them transparent dangling carrots
How ’bout that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How ’bout me not blaming you for everything
How ’bout me enjoying the moment for once
How ’bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How ’bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down

How ’bout no longer being masochistic
How ’bout remembering your divinity
How ’bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How ’bout not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you

“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame,judgment, and blame.”

― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

After reading this book and hearing this woman, whom I deem A gift from God speak,
I had an “ah ha” moment about that torturous, addictive, up in the middle of the night, thing called perfectionism.

What Brene helped me to understand, was that perfectionism comes from that deep well of shame and inadequacy that we immediately go to when we feel we must impress. But who are we impressing?
That well has been filled by all our negative self talk, and is fed by the very thing that we feel we lack the most.

So we will overextend ourselves, often to the point of exhaustion, to overcompensate. That starts more shame and self judgement, and now those negative voices, they have formed a choir…. A very loud choir, and the well gets deeper and deeper.

Here is the question I’ve had to ask myself. Am I striving for excellence?
wanting to be the best ME I can be? Is that what fuels the desire to be perfect?
Or…is all this tail chasing going on because of what I want “THEM” to think of me?
AH HA! Right?!

I was often under the false illusion that I was just striving for excellence.
But your demons are great bullshitters. They’ll tell you anything to keep the game going, those rascals.

So , “who am I trying to impress”‘ is always the first question I ask myself
When I get that twinge toward perfectionism.

Because you know what?
The peanut gallery,
“THEY”
Are never satisfied.
If they are as judgmental as I am…I’m doomed!

I have to say that age has set me free.
Perfectionism was my judge and jailer much more when I was younger, and age has brought me a certain ability to relax into the fact that things are never going to be perfect, most certainly, myself.

Whew!! What a relief!!

XoxJanet 

Uncertainty and indecision are the two backseat drivers
in life that can really shake you to the core.

They keep you off balance enough that you find yourself walking
in circles, not sure which direction to take.

They keep you distracted by their very presence,
Their voices drowning out any voice of reason, and even the radio!

“Why don’t you know what to do next?” taunts uncertainty.
“Why such a hard time deciding?” scowls indecision.

We are here to tell you:
Sometimes you just don’t know….and that’s okay!

There are times in life, when you’re going to be standing at a crossroads,
checking in with your gut, asking “which way now”? And you’re going to hear

Silence…

Crickets…

And you know what? That’s an answer!

When you check in, when you do all your due diligence,
and all you hear are the voices of those scoundrels 
Uncertainty and indecision,

Stand still
Breathe
It’s going to be fine!

Those two cannot hold up to the scrutiny of courage and faith.
It takes courage to navigate uncertainty.
It take faith to conquer indecision.

They are not scoundrels after all, they are two very powerful
teachers.
Once you make peace with that, you can kick them out of your backseat,
Let go of the wheel, 
turn up the radio, and know that all is well and the answers will come.

It’s like driving your car only looking thru the rear view mirror!

What does it take for someone to earn a place in your life?
Is the criteria complicated?
Are there invisible tests they must pass?
Or do all that apply get accepted?

Trust should be earned. Not given away for free.

People should be approached with an open heart,
but earning a permanent place there, should come with 
a few qualifications.

First and foremost, is the love and trust reciprocated?
It should never feel one sided.

Second, are secrets kept, and confidences held close?
You want to know that your most intimate thoughts and vulnerabilities
won’t be betrayed to others.

Third, are they dependable? Will they be there when you need them?
Will they drop everything in a crisis to be available to you?

If you can answer yes to all three of these questions, 
then and only then, should someone become significant in your circle.

You may even have a couple more criteria of your own that must be met,
But let these three questions be a true litmus test of who you hold 
close and who you keep as an acquaintance.

Not everyone EARNS a place of SIGNIFICANCE in your heart.