awareness

Two Saturday mornings ago at Yoga, Diana* kept repeating a phrase,
and as she did, it worked its way through my fuzzy, lazy, Saturday morning brain.
and it has continued to do so.

I receive ALL blessings.

Think about that one.

I receive…ALL blessings.

It started with my head, my brain, and I said “Oh Yeah, 
I do that”!
Then a few minutes went by as it percolated down to my true, true heart
and another “Ah ha”!
I absolutely DONT do that”!
And I know I’m not alone.

Why are we so stingy with the blessings we allow ourselves?

As I let it really sink in over several days and numerous meditations,
I realized that my blessing allowance was similar to my Christmas
shopping…only in reverse!

Instead of the “one for them, three for me”! that I was experiencing
and wrote about in “December Shopping Maniac”,
I could be a real Ebenezer Scrooge when reaching into
my bag of blessings.

I have MANY, MANY! Don’t get me wrong!
It’s not about counting the ones you have,
although that is a practice I HIGHLY recommend.
It’s about allowing yourself to continue to receive.
And therein lies the rub.

After careful consideration,
Here’s where it occurred to me I might be stingy with my blessings:

The blessing of patience,
I’ve been praying for that one since the 80’s!
Sometimes I’ve got it, I’m freakin Mother Teresa,
mostly I don’t, my hand are in tight fists, and I just won’t allow myself
to be blessed that way.

The blessing of financial abundance has alluded me for yet another year,
not that I don’t have enough to live, because I do.
But the blessing of a career that provides real relief from financial worries.

I receive ALL blessings.

The blessing of peace of mind.
A life without worry.
Why are we so damn stingy with THAT one?!
What is our/my attachment to that 3am appointment 
with dread and anxiety?

I receive ALL blessings

The blessing of time.
More time for sleep.
To take walks.
More time to laugh.

The blessing of letting other people do things for me.
Ohhhh that’s a hard one! 
Stingy,stingy,stingy!

I receive ALL blessings

I wrote it on the bathroom mirror to remind myself. I know I’ll see that at least twice a day!

Take a few minutes,
What blessings do you need to work on allowing?

XoxJanet

* DianaLang.com

“All people dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their mind, wake in the morning to find that it was vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous people, for they dream their dreams with open eyes, and make them come true.”
– D.H. Lawrence

Man! I don’t know about you, but I’m a dreaming machine!
Seems every night I’m having these epic, vivid dreams that make my waking life pale by comparison!
I blame that giant full moon energy,
Or the Chinese food.

Last night, I was piloting an ATV (all terrain vehicle) 
through some kind of wild ass desert obstacle course….brilliantly I might add, 
and fast! 
Really,really fast!
I want to say recklessly fast…but it wasn’t.

If you know me, that kind of speed doesn’t surprise you at all,
I love to go fast!
There I was, cautiously confident, (is that possible)?
Careening through the desert on an ATV wickedly fast,
something I’ve never done in real life!
(God bless the guy who’d give ME the keys to an ATV, dream or no dream)!

Even though the course seemed impossibly treacherous, I was making
all the hairpin turns and steep hills easily…just at breakneck speed!
Isn’t that an analogy for what’s going on right now?
Some days seem impossibly treacherous to navigate,
Some people do too! Ha!
yet we do, and each situation just speeds by,
Each day just a blurry memory.

Also, in this dream, the course kept changing! 
What?!
I’d look up ahead for a sec, 
get lots of bugs in my teeth, cause I’m grinning like an idiot,
see a pretty clear path, 
and then it would change before I got there,
to something ridiculously twisty, or steep, or filled with rocks.
Completely unexpected!
Just like Life…right?!

We all seem to be navigating things, even though we can’t for the life of us
see where we’re going, or what comes next.
It’s just too fast and furious to take it all in,
This wild and wooly full moon energy.
But we’re making things happen,
We’re making our dreams come true.

I personally love that I was getting outdoors and having all that exercise…
cause it ain’t happening here in the real world,
on account of the fact that it’s the holidays and
I’m consuming copious amounts of Toll House Cookies.
I’m optimistic that dream activities burn extra calories…right?

Can’t wait to see where I go and what I do tonight,
In the dusty recesses of my mind 😉

Please share your adventures.
Xox Janet 

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
– Dr. Seuss

In an interview he did in 2007, Peter O’Toole, that beautiful, blue eyed, scalawag actor, was asked the question, “What do you want written on your tombstone”?

He leaned back and told the story of his beloved tattered leather jacket.
He said it was soaked in sweat, covered in blood, Guinness and cornflakes?!
Which of course made it his favorite.
Eventually it went to the cleaners.
It came back with a note pinned to it, that all these years later still made him chuckle.
It read:

“It distresses us to return work which is not perfect”

That’s was his answer, and I couldn’t agree more!
Because otherwise, what’s the point!?

When I leave this mortal coil, I want to be “distressed.”
I want to show I’ve lived.
That perhaps it wasn’t a pure and “perfect” life, but dammit! It was a life well lived!

Just like his jacket, I want to be worn in, with the wrinkles and scars to prove it.
I want to be covered in sweat, and dog hair, with smeared lipstick and wine stains.
…Maybe even cornflakes!

I want unpaid parking tickets in the pockets.
Along with a motorcycle key and a wad of foreign currency.

I want the leather to smell like a combination of caramel,tobacco, Shalimar, and coffee,
I want it left on the back of a chair in George Clooney’s suite in a Paris Hotel.

I want to remain perfectly imperfect.

Then I want to be “returned to sender, postage due.”

How about you?
Xox

I had a dream last night about being a snowflake.
I was with all the other snowflakes, waiting in line to fall to earth.

It was very noisy, because us snowflakes are a chatty bunch.
We have to get it all out before we jump. 
All the gossip the complaining and the bad snowflake jokes,(they are the worst), because after we leave the cloud, we are required to remain silent.

Everyone is laughing, chewing gum and eating Red Vines, as snowflakes do, man! there’s a lot of excitement in the air.

What I can remember the most, is looking around and admiring,
well, really, I was envious of everyone else’s design.
There was such a display of individuality that it blew my little snowflake mind!

Every flake seemed to be showing their best crystals.
One was really pointed, great right angles, and deep cuts.
Another had more rounded edges, with huge cut out sections.
(Someone had obviously run with scissors)!

But what I noticed above all was that the design was a perfect match to their personality.

The outside totally matched what was inside.

What strikes me now, as I’m thinking about it, was that I was unable to see MY design. I was unable to myself.
There are apparently no full length mirrors at that point in line.

As I looked for a shiny surface, so I could catch my reflection; I began to notice I was being looked at with the same degree of admiration by the other flakes – but of course, even though I had no idea what they saw, I liked THEIR designs better than my own.

I wanted to go back to the “snowflake drawing board” and just make a couple of revisions. I was inspired. No one told me we could make a nip there, or a tuck there.

I had no idea we could be as bold as what I was observing around me.

As I got closer to the front of the line, I suddenly had this realization:

I WAS special,
I had done this many times,
I had fallen as rain,
I had pelted the earth as hail and sleet,
But now, HA!! 
Now I got to be a snowflake!
One of a kind,
Sparkling, crystalline, and magnificent!

All of the sudden things began to hush, we all became more present and very serious. We all ditched our gum under a table, gave each other big hugs, making sure not to smear our sparkles, and with a minimum of fanfare, but filled with great pride,

…We jumped. Look for me!

Merry Christmas Loves,

Xox

Do you suppose if a wound is real deep, the healing of it can hurt almost as bad as what caused it?
~Spitfire Grill~

As the anniversary of Sandy Hook approaches I’m reminded of 
how unbearable the healing process must be like for the family of the victims. 
Yet, every time I see or read an interview I am completely knocked out by the courage and resilience these ordinary people are exhibiting.

Grief is such a solitary emotion, NO ONE can make you feel better.
People can help you, 
they can feed you, 
they can sit with you, 
and even share their experiences, but ultimately you are alone on your path as you wade through that Valley of Darkness.
The darkness is tangible, no flashlight, not even a match to light your way.

Some days the emotions come in waves so strong they knock you completely off balance, 
on your ass, 
where you may remain for several hours…or days.

What I’m finding so incredibly uplifting is that these parents of the children and families of the educators that perished, seem to be able to let the light in.
They are getting up, and forming foundations and organizations in their loved ones honor.
They are having all sorts of dreams and spiritual visions of their kids,
And…they are letting the love flow in.

Ian Hockley, father of Dylan, who was one of the first graders killed last year, said this in a recent interview, regarding navigating his grief:

“So you’ve got to flip it around, Everything is about flipping emotions. Not hate, no hate. Flip it over. The other side is love, right? Take that and build, because once you push the hate out, the love just flows in.”

I just find that so remarkable and inspiring!
There is forgiveness in there,
There is compassion in there
There is so much courage it makes me weep.

He’s just a regular guy who lost his son,
He’s not the Dali Lama,
Or Ghandi,
Yet he’s made the choice, for his own well being to release the hate,
and let the love flow in.
And I’m convinced the world is better for it,
which means this tragedy was not in vain.

Xox Janet

I have a confession wrapped in a question.

Why does December turn into a shopping free for all for me?
As much as I tell myself to reign it in, 
I’m a loose cannon in the stores those 24 days.

I pride myself on frequenting the smaller shops and neighborhood 
boutiques, over the big chains.
Come on! ya gotta give me THAT!!

But I swear, my shopping style is like some twisted retail harvest!
Nothing left behind!
It’s like I give myself permission to cut loose because…
I HAVE to buy presents after all!
Everywhere I go, there’s great stuff…that I want…taunting me.
One for them, two for me. Two for them…more for me!
Right?!

Notice I didn’t say I NEED the stuff.
I’m at least that self aware!
But there’s where it ends.

I have tens of ornaments on the tree and they all hold a memory (sigh).

I also have boxes of them that won’t fit.
Yet, if a shiny one catches my eye while I’m out and about,
like a magpie, I MUST have it!

I blame the carols.
I start playing them the day after Thanksgiving,
and they are like a drug that lulls me into a stupor as I mill about,
Egg nog latte in hand,
finding just the right gifts…and one for myself.
God! How many sequin scarves can one girl have!

During the year I’m a very focused consumer, 
only getting the birthday gift or wedding present I have on my list.
Then December rolls around and…list? What list?
It’s just a “guideline” anyway, right?…because who knew they made a candle
that smells like cucumber, grapefruit, Ponderosa?!
and it s only $60.
Sixty dollars for a candle!! When did that happen??
I would NEVER pay that for something that smells like that that I can’t eat!
Only in December! 

Please tell me I’m not alone…
XoxJanet 

I don’t know if any of you have done a remodel, or any kind of
major construction to your “nest”.

I’m asking because it sucks.

It is nerve racking at best, a relationship buster at worst.
When you witness the demolition, you just can’t IMAGINE
the finished product will materialize from that giant, dusty, dirty mess!
All you can see is what’s in front of you:
A freaking debris pile that looks NOTHING close to what you want!

My husband, being a designer/ builder often talks about that certain point
in the construction phase, where everyone loses their patience and the homeowner’s head explodes!

I experienced that phase first hand during our renovation.
My head did explode.
There should be a support group for that.

After the foundation is laid, things change every day.
It’s especially exciting when the framing happens because your dream starts to take form and you can physically SEE what has only lived as lines on a blueprint.

Then….days and days and days go by, and it seems as if the project has stalled.
Where for weeks you’ve woken up to the sound of nail guns,
now…crickets..

You’re convinced everyone has run to Rio with your money, leaving you living in a popsicle stick house.

What is taking place, is the rough electrical and plumbing, but it’s hidden inside the walls!
It is the nervous system of your home, and is critical to the finished product,
But DAMNIT !! It’s INVISIBLE!

I keep coming back to this memory, this time of reconstruction, to conjure my…FAITH.
I had to maintain my faith then, and I’m doing it now.
Just like back then, there is caution tape,
and a porta potty present, as my life is currently under construction.

Problem is…I can’t see any forward movement.
All the work is happening underneath and inside, and the progress seems
imperceptible from here.

It is critical to the integrity and structure of my dream, I know!
I keep picturing the Universe hard at work behind the scenes,
Kinda like Santa.
And my faith tells me things will eventually show their face in the physical,
just like the remodel did.

And, if I was a betting girl, I’d bet my head will not explode this time.

Stay tuned
XoxJanet