awareness

As I’m out and about these days, asking questions and being my nosey self,
the topic that keeps coming up has been about trying to maintain or salvage difficult, morphing friendships.
And by difficult, I mean the ones that have become almost impossible to pursue due to the other party’s jackassery. You, of course, have been the best friend imaginable. Right?

What’s the best way to react when a friend you really care about starts to move on? Emotionally and/or physically? Is it wise to be angry and demand their participation? What about begging? I’ll answer that one. For chrissakes, don’t beg. Have a little self respect. Jeez. I say that because I’m hearing about it, watching it happen, and I’ve done it. Let them go. Did you see Bridesmaids?

Transition is harder for some of us than others. Holding on to a friendship by the ankles, doesn’t show love or devotion. It shows fear of change and….desperation. There, I said it. I’ve mentioned it before in the blog, but here it is again. A therapist once admonished me: Janet, you don’t just love, you take hostages. Be careful with that. 

So I know a bit about the subject. It applied to men and girlfriends.
And I’ve worked really hard at letting things transition. The natural ebb and flow of relationships. I learned to observe a friend’s behavior. If they stopped coming around or calling, I would check in to make sure they were alive, and if everything checked out and they remained MIA, I would give the relationship space. Yes, it hurt my feelings. Hurt feeling are survivable.
The good friendships are fluid, filled with liquid respect. There are no harsh words, ultimatums or judgements leveled. They move away, then return, just like the tide, even years later it can seem like not a day has passed.

With girlfriends, when one of them gets into a serious relationship, they may not be available as much on the weekends. It kinda sucks, because us girls will be there when he’s long gone, and she should be able to accommodate both, but we’ve all been there, on both ends, I’m sure.
It’s the same when good friends get in with another group of people and (gasp) hang with them, instead of us. Traitor. Do you go into heavy pursuit, calling and texting relentlessly or do you let the thing play out. She’ll be back. She’ll miss your general awesomeness, and the fact that you know her backstory…and you still love her.
THEY are just acquaintances, you are her friend.

Sadly, some friendships do just fade away. One or both parties have changed, and the things you had in common have dwindled. Do you applaud a friend’s changes, or do you challenge them, wanting everything to go back to the way it was? They may need to catch up to you, or visa versa and that can really sting, especially if you’ve been friends for a long time. But my advise is the same: observe and give it space and time. If there is a real connection, you’ll be able to pick things up. Easily. If not, well then, it was bound to end.
Friendships are a two way street.
They’re not a game of solitaire.

Don’t let these friendship adjustments close you down. Put yourself out there and make a few new ones. It’s hard, and you won’t want to do it, but that has saved me.
When all my friends AND my sister had babies, everything changed for me. I wasn’t in Mommy and Me, and even though I spent many an afternoon in Chuck E Cheese, I just wasn’t in the mommy club.
So, I made an effort to make new friends. Friends that could go to the movies, be spontaneous, maybe go to Palm Springs for the weekend. I had to, I was tired of being a single, childless, sad sack.
After a few years, I was able to blend the two groups. The mommies were coming out of their jet lag level fatigue, and they wanted to have some girlfriend time. Just like now. The empty nesters all want to come out and play again. I’m thrilled. No grudges held here. Just nights of wine and lots of snort laughs. Damn, it’s hard to believe these crazy bitches are someone’s mother!

My advise? Let your friend go, and when that door closes, don’t nail it shut. Your friend may be back. She’ll be the wiser and richer for leaving and your friendship will only benefit.

Tell me, has a friendship changed for you recently? How are you handling it?
I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.
If you’ve done it well and have some tips, I’d love to hear that too!

Xox Janet

What are you like when you enter a relationship? From personal to professional? Do you put your best food forward? The one with the impeccable pedicure and the Gucci sandals? Only to reveal your other side once that perfect foot is in the door?
You know, the callused hoof with nails like a sloth, stuffed inside Uggs? Is that fair? Did you misrepresent?

I had 14 pairs of gorgeous matching bras and panties back in the day. They were all flowers and lace, smelled like lavender and wrapped in tissue paper. I had them in order, from first date, to seduction, to weekend trip away together. I would rotate them until the deal was sealed. Until we were a couple, which meant that I had an automatic date on Saturday night. After that, what the poor guy saw were the tan cotton Haines, white granny panties, or tattered old G strings. With a plain black bra. No more pretty, frilly, matchy, matchy.
TMI? Nope. Just TM…Total misrepresentation!

Our stepmother was all platinum cotton candy hair, false eyelashes and kind, loving, nurturing words. Glenda the good witch.
Until our father married her. The last champagne glass hadn’t been cleared when she demonstrated her true nature. Out came the pointy black hat while she cackled her admission of hating children. My brother, sister and I gulped and waved as she rode around the room on her broomstick. “This is gonna suck.”
My dad just looked bewildered as he realized he had been sold a bill of goods. Total misrepresentation.

I had a friend in the eighties who lied to get a managerial position. He had never managed anyone, anywhere, anyhow. Day one he realized he was in WAY over his head when he was ushered into a large boardroom for introductions and to lead the Monday morning sales meeting. He excused himself to “get his briefcase”, commando crawled to the elevator, jumped in his car and raced to the nearest bar and got shitfaced.
Total misrepresentation.

Why does that happen? Can’t we be who we REALLY are and get what we want?

Why do we only wear the good undies in the beginning, lie to get the wrong job, imply we love children when we don’t? When we misrepresent, we start off the whole relationship on the sloth foot; in disguise.
I’ve had it happen to me, and I felt mislead and disappointed.
Realistically, we can’t show ALL our warts at the start, but couldn’t we be the BEST versions of our flawed selves? Like warts with a bit of concealer?
After all, no one’s perfect. I know that to be true!

So I’d advise that we all be our magnificent, perfectly imperfect selves.
Wear normal clean underwear on dates. He knows he’s not dating a Victoria Secret model, he likes the sensible girl.
Please don’t tell Mr Right you love his kids when you don’t. That’s just wrong on so many levels. They’ll be a guy who’s a better fit for you. I promise.
Try not to exaggerate your accomplishments on your resume. We all do, I know.
But if you’ve never skydived, don’t say you have. THAT will be a very hard one to get yourself out of.
Let’s not misrepresent. Be patient. All the right everything will come along.

XoxJanet

Have you misrepresented yourself? Even just a little bit? How did it work out? Tell me in the comments below

Hi All,
So here’s the thing. While I was being a slug on the couch Friday night, my husband inquired as to my plans for Saturday afternoon. Seems after reading my post about the kite
http://theobserversvoice.com/2014/04/02/go-fly-a-kite/
He went on Amazon, bought me a kite and researched the places within a thirty mile radius of our home with optimal wind conditions.
Is your mouth hanging open like mine was?
Just that he continues to read my blog gives him so many husband extra credit points, then to actually decipher the emotional content….
So yesterday we actually woke up to a blue sky, breezy day, drove to a perfect little park in Silverlake, and for the first time in 40 years, I flew a kite. I still can’t wipe the smile off my face.
Happy Sunday!

XoxJanet

The other night in our awesome Wednesday Women’s group, we talked about being people pleasers and what a dead end street that is.
To be a people pleaser you have to care what other people think. It has to matter to you. A lot. Maybe even enough to alter your behavior, and stifle your badassery.

Everyone is a people pleaser to some degree, no one is immune.
Although, everyone last night has noticed that not all the young people these days are drinking the kool aid. They may do what you want; but they let you know they’re not happy about it. My nephew will NOT be held accountable for my sister’s happiness. He will not sacrifice one iota of “who he is” to be someone she’d like him to be. She loves that….and it bothers her. We want our people to care what we think of them.

He’s a lot like me. My lack of caring what most people thought of me, especially when I was younger, was labeled selfish and conceited. I have never been run of the mill. Shocking, I know. They wanted compliance. It was a constant battle. It’s a different time now. Hallelujah.

When I was a kid and someone said something mean about me, my mom would advise me to: Consider the source. Oh…like step out of my hurt feelings and size up the culprit?
That was genius, and I do it to this day. I highly recommended it to my Wednesday women.
If someone criticizes you or asks you to do something you really don’t want to do, who is that person? What’s their motivation? To control you? To put conditions on their love?
Uh oh…that’s a big one.

What I began to notice over and over again is that they are usually the “un-pleasable” that live among us. No matter how many thank you notes you send, phone calls you make, cupcakes you bake, bridal showers you throw or airport pick ups you do, it’s never enough. You will be tap dancing as fast as you can to THEIR music, and it’s still never right.
So why bother.
I’d rather be happy.
I don’t give a rat’s ass what they wish I’d do or say or be.
It’s very liberating. It’s not easy. There will be name calling.
Oh well.

I DO care what some people think.
There is a core group that I’ve formed and you can too. My group is small.
They are vetted, trusted comrades. They love me and offer constructive criticism and the truth. They have soft eyes and a loving tone when they tell me what they think. Even if it’s harsh. They get my badassery and they’re not looking to change me. THOSE are the people whose opinions I seek and cherish.
The peanut gallery can go to hell. 

If you want to be truly happy, and live a big, amazing life, I suggest you stop looking for other people’s approval. You will never write a blog or do musical theatre if you care. There will always be those that tell you you’re not doing it right.
Consider the source. Is that person an exemplary example of all that you want to be? Probably not. Those people don’t deliver their message that way.
Stop looking around and consider the source. You can quote me on that.

Xox Janet

Were you or have you ever been a people pleaser? Does this push a button?
Conversation time in the comments below! Share a story.

<p>
PUNISHMENT 
pun·ish·ment
ˈpəniSHmənt/
noun
1. The infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offense.
“crime demands just punishment”
synonyms: penalizing, punishing, disciplining

Are you a punisher?
I was…I have been…so I guess I am.

I’ve withheld sex after a fight. That’s a classic.
I’ve withheld my attention when I’ve felt misunderstood.
I’ve given the silent treatment, which to some was actually a reward, so I stopped.

I’d venture to guess we’ve all got a little of the punisher inside us.

I’m not passive aggressive, I’m actively aggressive. I do not shy away from confrontation. To me, passive aggression is a form of punishment. You say everything’s okay, when you think it’s not. You avoid direct confrontation, then pout, procrastinate, or fail to complete the task you were asked to do. Ugh! Don’t punish everyone. Just say no next time.

When I’ve punished, I’ve felt unheard or misunderstood, so I didn’t feel like rewarding that behavior with my time, attention or affection.
Disappointment is the worst. “I will make you pay!” 
“You get no Janet love!”
But what made me think that bad behavior would get me my desired results? Again, it is a false sense of power, who’s unstable foundation is fear and insecurity. There’s so many of those, and they wamboozel us. Remember ultimatums?
http://theobserversvoice.com/2014/03/20/youre-not-the-boss-of-me/
What made me think I could be a bitch to you, and THAT would make you do what I ask…or want me more?

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say it stems from my childhood. (Gasp)
[Cue the cheesy organ music from the old soap operas] I’m certain I saw it as a child. The silent treatment. We screwed up and mom’s not talking to us. Uh oh.

“Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better?” 
― Jane Nelsen

Right?! I’ve REALLY grasped that concept as I’ve reached my 50’s. No need for public humiliation. No need to “find fault.” Ohhhh that’s another one. I had a boss, that when something went wrong; before we problem solved and tried to fix it, we had to all stand there and figure out whose fault it was. All two, maybe three of us.
Jeez.

Mistakes are made, people mess up, feelings get hurt, stuff gets broken (sorry mom) and now I for one, will be trying my damnedest to hang up my punisher hat.
You know, the one with the bright red: “I’m always right” on the front.
How about you?

XoxJanet

Are you a punisher? Do you know someone who is? I’ve confessed, Don’t leave me hangin’
Let me know in the comments below.

I was thinking about this the other day. Don’t ask me why. Maybe because it’s been windy here in LA, and I love to fly kites. And…I like the analogy.

Here goes: If I was a kite, flying high in the wind, searching for the jet stream, I would have a tail to stabilize my flight and I would be grounded by a long string.
You with me?

As this kite, I look forward to the windiest days. The Santa Ana’s are music to my ears. Even though they seem a bit chaotic to some, even destructive, they are the thunder to my lightening, the Sonny to my Cher, the peanut butter to my jelly.
We are a team. I’m nothing without a good, stiff breeze. Have you ever tried to fly a kite without the wind? You run and run for miles, until you have no breath left in your body, and when you finally stop…the kite crashes to the ground.
It’s impossible.

So, I’ve got the wind to set me sailing high above the clouds.
What would my tail be made of? What would I use to keep me from wobbling, spinning and diving uncontrollably? This is tricky, a stabilizer has to be light, it can’t impede the lift.
I could make a tail of old torn up love letters and pages from my past, tied together by memories. I would gain a little height, maybe just up over the trees, but then those memories would start to weigh me down. My past would act like an anchor. Better to just let them go.

Would I use everything I’ve learned through the years? Hmmm…that has to do with intellect and my mind. I can tie together notes to myself about how to fly and articles on aerodynamics, with doubt and uncertainty as the glue. Whatcha think?
I can’t gain any altitude because I’m thinking way too much about the how’s and why’s of staying aloft.

Hey! What about belief. If I can string together with faith, all the beliefs about myself that let me know I was MADE to fly. I’m a kite, for crying out loud. Flying is my sweet spot. The belief that the sky is where I belong. That I’m better than most. That if I go with the flow, and let the wind take me, I can fly higher than the birds. Maybe hitch a ride on an airplane. (As kids we were convinced our kites were so high, a jet plane would have to swerve around them) Gotta love that.
Belief is the perfect stabilizer. That will be my tail.

Now…who holds the string? Ohhhhh boy.
My ego? Nope too ADD. He’ll see something shiny and let go. I’m not safe with him at the helm.
I can’t let my fears hold the string. They’ll never let me get higher than five feet off the ground. Too windy, too dangerous, too high, too hard to hold, too fearful, too bad. Next!
What about a member of my council? You remember I wrote about our councils.
http://theobserversvoice.com/2014/03/27/your-behind-the-scenes-team/comment-page-1/
How about the guy with the TEAM JANET sweatshirt? He’s perfect to hold the string. He knows all the best parks, where to find the fastest winds, even where to get that extra long spool of string. So jet stream here I come! He won’t limit me or bring me down before I’m ready. Yep, I’ve got this all figured out. 
Weeeee weeeee!

XoxJanet 
How about you?
Do you relate to the kite analogy? Do you have a better one for yourself? A high performance race car?
Please share in the comments below!

I love me some Mary Barra. She is the CEO of General Motors, and right now they are in some pretty hot water over the handling of an ignition switch recall. People were injured and some died from these faulty parts. At the time, 2004-2008, GM was in serious financial trouble, and we, the tax payer, bailed them out in 2008.
They are now the new and improved General Motors, with Mary Barra coming in as CEO in January 2014
Now, I don’t usually have all these dates and details at my finger tips, I was just stuck in traffic, and heard the story today on the radio. It’s still me, don’t be alarmed.

Here’s why I love Mary Barra. She said “I am deeply sorry.”

“Today’s GM will do the right thing,” she said. “That begins with my sincere apologies to everyone who has been affected by this recall — especially to the families and friends of those who lost their lives or were injured. I am deeply sorry.”

No one from GM has offered anything close to an apology up until today.
What? Why?
Lawsuits, no admission of guilt, blah, blah, blah.
Say you’re sorry damn it!

You get a lot of mileage from saying “I’m sorry.”
To someone who’s lost a loved one it isn’t enough; but it is a start.
It shows compassion. Corporations generally haven’t shown empathy or compassion, because they aren’t human. But they’re comprised of human beings, so where’s the disconnect?

What is the human resistance to apologizing?
In your life does saying “I’m sorry” signal weakness?
I think it signals strength. Like bad ass Ninja warrior strength; because it’s hard to say.
Something happened. Shit went down. Feelings got hurt. You played a part.
“I’m sorry.”

Just those two-word can defuse SO much energy.
Have you ever tried to continue your rage rant when someone has just offered you a sincere apology? You can’t. Well, you can, but you’ll feel like a real bitch. Then the tables are turned.

If it’s insincere, there’s nothing worse and it doesn’t count.
Get mad. Lawyer up. Show no mercy.
But if it’s heartfelt….it starts the healing…or the conversation…or the hot make up sex.

I’ve said it when I’ve been wrong, and I’ve had it said to me, and I gotta tell ya, it’s magic. It’s like water on a fire.
You feel heard and understood.
So next time your back’s up against the wall, and you’ve messed up,
just say you’re sorry, and mean it, you Ninja warrior, you.
It’ll feel good; I promise.

Xox

Do you say your sorry when your wrong? Do you accept it when it’s said to you?
Agree or disagree?
Start the conversation in the comments below.

I love our Wednesday Women’s group. We get together after a long day, notebooks in hand, and settle into our sacred circle with the intention to transform our lives. We let loose the habits shaped from our pasts, divulge an occasional secret dream, and bask in the fertile conversations of our lives reimagined. Even though Saturday put up a good fight, Wednesday is now my favorite night of the week.

This week we discussed gratitude. I LOVE me some Gratitude, and its sister, Appreciation. I truly believe they are the stepping-stones to a happier existence. I’ve witnessed how they can literally transform a life.

That being said, when terrible things happen in life, and they do; the losses, the failures, the disappointments and the heartbreaks. You do yourself a disservice by immediately slapping a happy face bandage over the feelings.

Back in the day at the start of the “New Age” movement, it was taught that everything could be solved with a positive affirmation and a side of gratitude.
“Be grateful that your life is in shambles, you’ll be a better person. Now say this affirmation: When shit rains down on me, I will smile and grab an umbrella”.

So, that’s what a lot of us did.

I did.

I was the poster child for laughing through tears. I had notes with positive affirmations stuck all over my house. I had them written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror.

I firmly believed that I could “positive think” my way out of every sad, sucky situation. But there was no feeling behind my gratitude, it was all lip service. I was hurting and the last thing I held in my heart at that moment was appreciation for the situation. I could have tattooed an affirmation on my forehead, that still wouldn’t have made it so.

When you know this stuff as well as I do, you think you should implement all the teachings you have in your back pocket to navigate your pain. All you do is delay it. Pain, anger, grief and the rest of the crew HAVE TO BE FELT in order to dissipate.

Then, and only then, can the gratitude flood in and fill the void.
But not one minute before.

Oh shit.
I messed that up for over thirty-five years.

I’ve had “delayed reaction syndrome” regarding my darker emotions. Sadness hits me months later. I can throw a dinner party with balloons and sing with the band minutes after terrible news.

I’m THAT girl.

I misunderstood the directive: This too shall pass.
I never let it pass me, I ran faster, in my endless race of avoidance.

I used to feel guilty for feeling sad and wanting to cry all day. I thought I should be able to rise above it. I would gear up with my pad of Post Its and search for the silver lining every time life took a terrible turn. But often that lining is buried deep under multiple layers of anger, pain and resentment. You have to really get in there and mine for it. Otherwise, a positive affirmation scab can form, and everything just festers underneath.

It’s not pretty, I don’t recommend it.

I do believe you can “Fake it, till you make it” which is affirming a behavior as you learn it, but not until the underlying issues are resolved.
Oh yeah….that.

I hold such deep admiration for those cultures where it’s accepted to wail with grief. Men AND women, what a relief that must be. They just give into it, and let all that emotion out. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. Seems so much healthier.

I’m always afraid the sadness will be so deep it will swallow me whole, and my wailing will never cease. Dogs will continue to hear it for weeks and pray for sweet relief.

So this is my cautionary tale of not reaching for gratitude too soon.

We discussed this at length on Wednesday, because we are all about transition through transformation. We all agreed that we would not cheerlead someone out of their pain. Myself included, because I am the biggest offender. We would hold the place for them to feel through the layers until the onion is peeled.
We won’t let them wallow either. Tightrope walking, I know. But so do-able in this group, and for that I am TRULY grateful.

Are you someone who can process your emotions in real-time, or are you more like me with “delayed reaction syndrome”. Let me know in the comments below.

XoxJanet

Red hair, blonde hair, soon grey hair, thin days, fat days, aging…my picture can never keep up with the ever transitioning me!
Happy Sunday!

XoxJanet