Bad Decision Insurance

“Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions.”
~Mark Twain

Bad Decision Insurance was a bright idea I had recently while:
(1) daydreaming instead of writing,
(2) eating a giant mound of whipped cream with a slab of pumpkin pie under it for breakfast,
(3) While wearing camo leggings, no bra, and a bold, Amy Winehouse level swoop of black eyeliner over each eye—in broad daylight.

And while I have to admit that these harmless bad-decision-misdemeanors would have spun my head around ten years ago, these days, I’m like, “Who am I killing?” and mostly the answer is, just your imaginary reputation as a fashion icon, so…

Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW that even though they make the best stories—if my life were a movie every bad decision would end up on the cutting room floor. I also KNOW that no matter how carefully I craft a persona to present to the world—who I really am  bleeds through.

And I would never be who I am without my horrible, awful, really bad decisions.

Nevertheless, the thought of being able to file a claim after making the shitiest calls in life, well, that gave this wicked heart of mine some rest.

Back in daydream mode, strolling around the virtual airplane-hanger-sized-warehouse where my bad decisions are stored, a couple of doozies came to mind:

I once jumped out of a second-story window, running barefoot after a lover’s car when I was old enough to know better. Any way you look at that decision—it sucked. And what I’ve come to know is true for split-second decisions like that — We only know it’s bad the minute we know it—and not one second sooner.

That being said, I would have totally filed a claim to soothe that walk of shame home. “Hello, Bad Decision Insurance Hotline? This is Janet, and oh, man, you’re never gonna believe what I did this time!”

And who can forget that time I re-signed a lease on a struggling business during the financial crisis instead of just calling it quits and closing?

                                                                                    Big mistake, HUGE.

Even the Bad Decision Insurance adjuster would have judged me on that one and everybody knows they are as neutral as Switzerland. “Are you sure?” the kind woman on the other end of the phone would have asked after a long and awkward silence. “Yep!” I would have replied with conviction (because wildly expensive bad decisions like that one come with a great legal team who argue their case for them).

They convince you up is down, day is night, and to turn left when every sign is pointing right.

What the fuck is up with that?

As I write this, two things come to mind. First, a company that insures against bad decisions would be a terrible idea. I mean, they would go broke in minutes.

And second, there would be no accountability. No consequences. Would I have learned as much if I knew I could get immediate compensation on the other side of dumb? If the blow had been softened would I have adjusted my behavior after both of those mistakes, vowing never to let them happen again?

Would you?

Just some of the things I’m wondering about these days.

Carry on,
Oh, and pass the pie.
xoxJB