My Response To The Back of the Tree

Dear Janet—A Snarky Letter From the Back of My Christmas Tree

Dear Back-of-the-Christmas-Tree,

I was going to just ignore your little tirade and file it under ‘snarky holiday rants’, but not only is that file overflowing, but I talked to several of my friends who confessed to doing the exact same thing—completely ignoring the side of their tree that’s against the wall. 

The side that no one can see.

That got me to thinking, I need to show you some compassion AND why do we only show what we think looks perfect to other people. Everyone knows perfectionism kills.

I’m certain it’s one of the not-so-great by-products of human nature, sitting in the same category as ‘snooping inside other peoples medicine cabinets while using their bathroom,’ and not quite as bad as ‘raping and pillaging’. It feels like something we’ve done all along, throughout history, but it seems so relevant these days because of the face we show on social media.

The perfect holiday.

The perfect cookies.

The perfect gingerbread house.

The perfectly wrapped presents.

The perfect tree.

But it isn’t perfect, is it?

The tree, you, are buck naked in the back, smiling for the camera, faking it again this year. 

I had a teacher in fifth grade, Miss Genero, a single woman who was probably under thirty, whose short hair was styled perfectly in the front and on the sides—but was a matted rat’s nest in the back. I had another teacher, an “older” woman (probably forty) who came to school many times with a couple of forgotten, out-of-sight-out-of-mind, pink plastic curlers in the back of her hair. 

The rest were nuns. That comes with its own set of problems.

I was probably I dunno, eleven, but even at that age I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how they left the house like that. 

Then I grew up.

Have you ever caught a glimpse of the back of your head in a mirror and wondered ‘what the fuck?’ Yeah, me too.

Or the makeup line-of-demarkation under your chin?

That’s why god invented magnifying mirrors and filters for our phones.

Models and actors clamp or tape their clothes in places no one can see, so they always appear to fit perfectly. I call cheating. And apparently so do you.

I used to think you didn’t really know someone until you looked into the back of their closet…

pantry…

refrigerator…

and that drawer next to the bed.

You know, the real shit. But nobody can pass that kind of scrutiny. Because nobody is perfect. Not in REAL life.

We all ignore what people can’t see and often—very often—pretty much goddamn always, falsely misrepresent what we show to the world. 

So I get it. I do. I’m sorry back-of-the-tree, but what can I say? It’s human nature. 

Please forgive us.

Merry Christmas  & Carry on,
xox

*“Listen, before I leave will you look behind me and tell me if my skirt is tucked into my underwear? Oh, okay, I’m good? Thanks!” Cut To: Sounds of the tree giggling in a sinister way.