Our Father Who Art In Heaven — Scott Be Thy Name

I was at a meditation the other day at the Self-Realization Fellowship Lake Shrine Temple.
They hold them at noon on Wednesdays and I happen to think they’re lovely. They are led by a different delightful monk who obviously drew the short straw at breakfast that morning. I say that because even though on any given Wednesday there are only between fifteen to thirty people, that is still a room full of men and women looking and listening to you, and that constitutes public speaking.

Public speaking is terrifying. It is the subject of most people’s nightmares. But when it is done well it is an art, and sadly, not one that these monks possess.

That’s okay, they’re monks for god sakes. Trying to teach an ancient form of focused concentration to twenty-first-century human beings is no picnic. There’s no slide presentation or inspirational music. There is not a lick of wit or charisma.

My guess is that if they had those qualities—they may have chosen a different career path.

Nevertheless, this past Wednesday did not disappoint. Our monk was a perfectly nice fellow, and from the sound of his accent, he was born in Germany or somewhere else in Bavaria. At one point in the meditation, just before entering the silent part, he instructed us in the droning tone of his motherland: “Jus bahsk in da peeeezeful praysence of Scott.”

What? Who’s Scott?

My eyes shot open and darted around the room to see if anyone else had heard what I had?

Scott?

His low-toned, semi-melodic droning continued and I heard it again. “Comb baaack to Scott”

Ohhhhhh… God. He’s saying God! It’s his accent that makes it sound like Scott.

Wait, I kinda like that name for God.
I shut my eyes and tried to join the flow, but my mind was reeling.

That name could really work nowadays, you know, from a PR standpoint, and here’s why:

My Three Reasons To Call God Scott—

1) There are so many frickin’ names for the Divine One.
It can be so confusing and extremely politically incorrect. Choose a religion, take your pick. Adonai, Yahweh, Jehovah, The Almighty, the Universe. Scott would tidy things up, unite everybody and keep the zealots from getting all hot under the turban.

2) Scott feels so…current. So…mid 2015. It makes God sound kinda hip; grown-up but accessible. It’s less polarizing than say, Stanley, Keanu or River and friendlier than Zoltar.

3) In the Bible, God instructed the Israelites to avoid using his name (kind of like The Artist Formally Known as Prince), in a useless, disrespectful way. Instead, the Israelites were supposed to revere the name of God and use it in a serious, considerate way. Many of the ancient Israelites were so respectful of the name of God that they would not even pronounce it or write it for fear of using it in vain.
(My first name ain’t baby, It’s Janet, Miss Jackson if you’re nasty). Those who did write it would often throw away the quill they had used because they thought that any quill that had written God’s name was holy and should not be used for regular words.

Taking this to the most absurdly literal place imaginable, Dr. John Hagee, the founder and senior pastor of the Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, Texas, not only agrees with what the Good Book says but also takes the faith to a level of fanaticism.

Asked how the situation could be bettered, Hagee replied: “Well, we’d have to start with ourselves, as with everything in life. If you’re asking about my personal opinion, there is no greater sin in terms of wrongly using God’s name than women who use it during sex. That is one of the filthiest, most derogatory and sinful uses of the Lord’s name I can think of. If it were up to me, I would put every single woman or girl who does that in jail.”

I would bet my house on the fact that Reverend Hagee himself has never heard that word used during sex, but he’s heard that it happens and he wants it stopped. Oh, and by the way, jail is not the place to end that practice. Just sayin’.
So you see, Scott would work beautifully here. All parties would be up to speed when the woman yelled “Oh Scott; go Scott; give it to me Scott!” just before reaching ecstasy. No harm, no foul, nobody’s offended, nobody has to be incarcerated.

Hey, and if the guy’s name was Scott, well, that’s just a synchronistic bonus.

I think you can agree with me, now that I’ve made such a convincing and compelling argument, that we should change God’s name to Scott. So how do we start? Does anyone know who we talk to first?

Carry on,
xox