Compassion, Empathy and Other Thoughts on Suffering

You know when you go out to dinner and the surface chit-chat turns serious?
You know what I mean. That moment when someone drops a bomb in the middle of the table that makes a thud so loud you just can’t ignore it? At least I can’t. I wanted to kick it under the table or fold it into my napkin, but I’m incapable of doing that, dammit!

That happened the other night with the sweetest, most sincere young woman. We were all happily sharing a meal, jabbering on about this and that when she said something like this smiling the entire time: The world is a terrible place. It is cold and hard and most people are miserable.

What. Are you. Saying?

She had the straightest of faces. She was completely serious.
I almost choked on THE BACON in my pasta.

She is in the middle of her internship as a therapist.
It is kicking her skinny little ass and turning her dark. Like dark side of the moon, dark.
When I questioned her about that statement, about that bomb I couldn’t let lie there in the middle of our fine Italian meal—I knew I had to tread lightly.

I am learning that the subjects of compassion, empathy and suffering and all the ways to handle them can be extremely touchy. Big sharp and sticky feelings reside there.

I tried to keep it light.
Do you really believe that? Are you really that cynical or are you just exhausted?

“Both,” she replied.

“It’s utterly exhausting going down into the depths with my clients. It takes everything out of me.”

Then why do you do it? I tried to ask it from a place of pure curiosity. To be as non-confrontational as I could. And I really WAS curious. Is that what they are teaching young therapists to do these days?
To drop down into the pits of despair?

“I have to let them know I can relate to them. That I feel their pain. So I go there, into despair with them.”

What? And What?! Note to self: Put down the fork full of bacon before you really do choke to death.

I hinted that there may be another way to look at things but as far as she was concerned there most certainly was NOT. Since I have stopped trying to explain myself to those that cannot hear the explanation—I ordered dessert.

I left dinner so taken aback by her approach that I asked a couple of friends what they thought. To my great surprise and after much debate a few of them agreed! They felt that if you don’t cry and suffer with someone in their time of need, well, you’re a giant horse’s ass, a robot and a terrible friend.

I struggle with that. I more than struggle—I completely disagree.

When I was at my darkest. My most twisted, saddest and suckiest back in the early nineties, I was working with a Shaman that would just NOT GO THERE with me.

He basically ignored me and my histrionics. He knew I was okay. So he held that space for me while I wandered off into the dark back alleys of crazy-town.

As I wailed in misery he leafed quietly through a magazine.

When I screamed inches from his face that I felt as if I were dying he yawned—and instructed, “Then die.”

I hated him for his seeming lack of compassion. Why wasn’t he holding me and rocking me softly whispering to me that all was well?
Because that hadn’t worked! I was still a hot mess. There wasn’t enough rocking and whispering on the planet to soothe me—and he knew it.

The calmer he was the more hysterical I became. I went to DEFCON 5. Still, NOTHING.

When I finally got to the other side of it (we all DO get to the other side), I came to appreciate his approach. At the time, it seemed as dis-compassionate as hell but I’m telling you now that if he had followed me into the pit and shown any real concern for my well being—if I had smelled even the faintest hint of fear—I would have lost it. For reals!

Daniele LaPorte just wrote a beautiful and heartfelt piece on this very topic.
It’s called Easing Someone’s Suffering, Without suffering. Is it Possible?

http://www.daniellelaporte.com

In it she covers all the different sides of this touchy subject. After what I went through I agree with this one:

“Fact: You being sick doesn’t help others get well. You being poor doesn’t help anyone to be more prosperous. You being strong, healthy, living in abundance is very, very helpful to the collective. So please, be well, be radiant, be rich, be famous, be super-human — be what feels good. Do NOT go hungry or dim your light to “be of service to the world.” That just adds to the suffering.”

This is what I believe: If you fall through the ice on a lake into the frigid water below, the person who comes to help you doesn’t jump into the water with you. They don’t need to feel the cold to know how bad it is. They stay on the sidelines with a rope and warm blankets. They concentrate on getting you out. They don’t cry with you, tell you how scared they are for you and agree with how fucked you are—they hold the intention of you safe and sound and they pull you back on dry land.

Compassion to me is holding that space. Sitting with someone. Staying calm. Throwing the rope. Collecting the blankets. Asking, What do you need from me?

Offering any and all assistance short of falling through the ice. I will not drown with you.

How do you guys feel about this? Do you agree? Or do you find yourself in the water with people?
Tell me what you think about this polarizing topic.

xox