Existential Crisis of Faith

Existential Crisis of Faith

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*Hey you guys,
You know I share everything with you, well, whatever I can get away with without getting arrested!
Anyhow, last Friday I had a huge existential crisis—a colossal crisis of faith.

Yeah, I know, I’m the only one, boo hoo, poor me.

I have a project that means a lot to me that is requiring humongous amounts of courage, and it is being highly uncooperative and testing my patience to no end.

It’s been a long while since I’ve felt so, so, low-down-gutter-shitty.
Friday I just woke up that way.

Being that I’m a writer, I wrote a long, rambling, gutter-shitty manifesto. (If I’d been an artist I’d have painted an all black canvas with the word FUCK or HACK on it).
You get the picture.

Then I sent it to my husband and four of my besties. And I waited…

During all of this emotional flailing around the voice in my head said: You are overreacting. You don’t need sympathy—you need trust and faith. (GOD! when will you quit being so goddamn right, so goddamn all the time! That is SO annoying!).

Anyway, I waited for something from my tribe…I suppose it was sympathy, okay I’ll just say it, I was waiting for sympathy with a layer of compassion and a dash of empathy and love.

You wanna know what I got?
Crickets. I got crickets—nothing.

My computer showed that the manifesto had sent. My husband’s computer showed he did not receive it.

When I tried to re-send it later that night to my one poor friend who happened to text—nothing. Again it said it was sent when it was not.

I had asked for a sign and apparently my computer was hacked by that part of me that knows better. It wasn’t having any of my sad-suckiness. It showed me no sympathy on Friday. NONE!
It let me squirm in the uncomfortableness of doubt and ride the emotions until they passed. (Two days).

So there you have it. I feel better, but I still can’t STAND doubt! How about you?
Have you had a crisis of faith? How were you able overcome it? How long were you in it?

Here is the part of the manifesto that I feel you guys could relate to and doesn’t have the f-bomb as every other word!

Carry on,
xox


Ugh.
I feel like I’ve been left hanging.

Like I got up the courage to say “I love you” to someone and the other person just smiled.

Or, like we agreed to jump off the cliff together, and as my foot leaves the edge, I am able to turn just enough as I hurtle toward the abyss—to see the other person still standing at the edge.

I feel bamboozled.

It has made me profoundly uncomfortable and has opened the door to doubt.

I fucking hate doubt.
I like forward motion, Courage and momentum. Not all of this start and stop shit.

wtf am I doing?
wtf am I saying?

Am I a fraud or some delusional hack?

I can’t shake it so I’m going to have to ride this wave and then wait for it to pass.
Give me a sign Universe—anything!

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6 Comments
  • Nancy says:

    I think it is so cool that you received such a clear sign from the Universe. None of us like doubt. The trick, for me, is to remember that Something much wiser than I is running the show and has my best interests at heart, so what am I so worked up over? Because it doesn’t LOOK like I think it should?!?! I’ve already proven on more than one occasion (maybe a few thousand) that I am not a reliable orchestrator of awesomeness so why exactly do I think the Universe should be listening to my directives???? Nice to see a clear demonstration of the “God’s got your back” principle at work. Love it!

    • jbertolus says:

      Thanks, Nancy! It was cool how that glitch saved me from a day of harping on the problem and helped me get over it so much faster!
      Love you,
      xoxJanet

  • Reny Salamon says:

    I was extremely happy when I heard about the concept of Real Time in technology… Bare with me here…. Could it be that you have broken the code…. Your higher self was dealing with you in real time and it stopped you dead in your tracks from spreading your wealth of poo, keeping the experience as small as possible so that your turn around was much faster? I wonder, does this resonate?

  • dominator says:

    Your ability to deal with vulnerability is amazing!
    Not only do you face it straight on with courage (your manifesto) but you expose it for the world to see.
    That is quite a lesson for some of us: “Strength in vulnerability”.

    • jbertolus says:

      Thank Dominator, that’s kind of you to say. Can’t be funny or dispense advice ALL the time. I’m only HUMAN. Just keeping it real!
      xoxJanet

Hi, I’m Janet

Mentor. Pirate. Dropper of F-bombs.

This is where I write about my version of life. My stories. Told in my own words.

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